My Chubby Life

There I said it.

2012-01-12T09:59:00.000-10:00

Fat.

Yup. That is what I am.
And I am tired of it.

I am pretty sure there aren't any other women out there

depressed at being at their pre-pregnancy weight.

And it really isn't about the numbers this time. I feel fat. And I feel bad, and unhealthy.

But I have a plan, and its going good.

I am doing the C25K program again.

I'm on Week 1 Day 3.

My calves and legs have been sore. But my knees are holding up, and the breathing is getting a little easier. Hopefully in a couple months I will be able to run 3 miles.

I have been getting up at 6 am to run, which I hate, but it is the only time in the day I have to myself.

And I feel quite proud that I can accomplish something that early in the morning.

I have been eating better lately too.

(Not counting my out of control binging... but I will get to that later.)

I'm not following any sort of plan right now, but I will start one soon.

Just wanted to put it out there.... That I am trying again.

Put it in writing, you know...to give myself more accountability.

I really want to do it this time. I can't fail.... again.

Cause every time I do, I just get fatter.

And I really want to be a runner, more than anything.

Here's the plan;

Monday, Wednesday, Friday - 6am, C25K

Saturday - 8am, I do C25K with my friend.

I don't have anything for Tuesday or Thursday yet, I am thinking of a yoga class.
Also looking for my first race to do in March.

Wish me luck. Send me prayers. Help a sister out!

Baby is here

2011-10-11T07:19:00.000-10:00

Well, little Charlie is here, and after such a long and difficult pregnancy I am happy happy happy!! She is about 3 weeks, and a couple days old now. I am feeling great, pretty much back to normal, except a little tired. Okay, a lot tired. I am trying to stick with the nursing this time around, and she is doing much better than the boys did. My body still is not producing very much milk, but I am not giving up yet.
The best thing so far is, I've lost about 10 lbs since I've has her (thanks to the nursing???). In fact I am down 20 lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight, and I am wearing a size smaller jeans than I did last winter! Pretty awesome!
I am trying so hard to stay in control of my eating, and in a few weeks I will start walking again (3 miles, 5 days a week) and then start on my training for my 5k. Who knows, if I can keep it off, and maybe even have another little girl... I might, just maybe, get to my goal weight someday ;)

There is a first time for everything.

2011-07-29T08:56:00.000-10:00

All is progressing well with the baby. I am feeling much better than I was the beginning of this year, and I feel more like myself again. The whole family is looking forward to bringing home a new little baby sister, it's all Clark can talk about these days.
Yesterday at one of my check ups the doctor was concerned that I wasn't gaining enough weight.

Wait! What??? Are you sure you have the right chart there??

Apparently I have only gained 3 pounds since my first trimester.
I knew I hadn't gained back all the wight I lost when I was sick, and I was thinking that was a good thing since I am so over weight. And I know that I have gained back more than 3 pounds. But they only chart since they started seeing me, which was around 13 weeks, and since then it has only been 3 pounds. And between my last two appointments I even lost a teeny tiny bit of weight.
So... they are "concerned". And is makes me laugh, a lot.
At one point the doctor asked me, with a completely serious look on his face, if I was starving myself.
HA! I eat like 6 hamburgers a week. And I snack all day long, and probably not the healthiest portions.
Starving myself, hahahahaha, as if.

I will never forget when I was pregnant with Clark, and I went in for my first check up, I weighted about 180. And the doctor told me that I needed to be careful and not gain too much weight, since I was already obese. OBESE!!!!! Now, I am not gaining enough weight. Please.
It all seems rather ridiculous to me. They said the baby is still measuring good, so they aren't worried about that. They just want me to go see a nutritionist to make sure I am eating right. (Like I have all time time in the world to go to another freaking doctors appointment.) So I will go, like I am told. And who knows, maybe I can get some good advice on what to do after I have the baby, which is when I normally pack on the pounds. (I didn't gain much weight when I was pregnant with the boys, but afterwards I put on like 20 pounds, each, yikes.)

For the time being, I will enjoy this little twist of irony in my life. There is a first time for everything. And I am absolutely positive that no one is ever going to tell me again that I am not gaining enough weight. Ha!

Who knew?

2011-03-01T06:34:00.001-10:00

Who knew, after all this time, that the diet that would work the best for me would be pregnancy!

Yep, I am pregnant. About 11 weeks.

And my baby is trying to kill me.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, most days I can't move.

It is sad.

BUT... I have lost 18 lbs.

I know, I know, not a healthy way to lose weight, and really I would never choose it,

but it is a small upside to the torture I have been going through.

When I finally get my appetite back, and energy, I plan on doing a very healthy pregnancy diet...

so I don't end up looking like a whale by September.

Wish me luck.

Walk.

2011-01-11T06:21:00.000-10:00

I started my worked out yesterday, a whole week later than I wanted. Bad April.

The 7:00 am thing was/is not working for me, at all. Not only is it nearly impossible for me to drag my self out of bed to do the thing I hate most, my treadmill wakes up the boys, and then all chance for me to workout is gone anyway. So I am trying to squeeze it in while Clark is at school, which would be an ideal time, except Harry hates it for some reason, and tries to claw at my legs or sit on the treadmill while I am jogging. Ugh. I can't win.

I think I am just going to have Jason move it into the garage, so I can get up in the morning, without waking anyone up. And even though I HATE getting up early, it is so much better than having a workout looming over my head all day.

Anyway, the point of my posting. I started my new routine yesterday. And it was a walking day. It felt so nice to just walk. Not have to push myself to run, not have to feel like a big fat failure because I can't run. Just walk. Walk out the stress and of the past week (and boy oh boy was it a stressful one). Just walk. I didn't go as far as I wanted, only a mile and a half, about thirty minutes. But it felt good, and I felt good for the rest of the day.

I need to be better at making my workouts a priority. It is all to easy for me to put it off. Today is already looking bad, I've got 37 loads of laundry to do, and a houseful of kids (I am babysitting for a friend). Even if I have to do it at 10:00 pm at night, I will. Maybe. No, I really will. Maybe.

I need this scripture today.

2011-01-05T11:04:00.004-10:00

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Phillippians 4:13

On another note...

Tomorrow I am starting my new workout routine.

7 am wake-up time. And in case you don't know me, that is really early,
really early for me.

I am going to alternate walking 3 miles one day,
then doing my C25K training for 45 minutes the next day.
6 days a week, Sundays off.

Wish me luck. I know me and lazy, fat butt are going to need it.

Resolutions!

2011-01-01T07:23:00.000-10:00

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions.

Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

~ Mark Twain

I had a wonderful, wonderful New Years with my family, and friends. I am so blessed to have so many good people in my life. I am not very proud of myself. A lot of things (read- most of the things) I wanted to do and accomplish last year, I did not. Not even close. I have not lost any weight, in fact I have steadily gained weight. I am not closer to running a marathon or any race (although, I do have my first one scheduled for March 18, 2011). Nothing was crossed of my bucket list, in fact I only succeeded in adding things to it. There is so much I want to do, and now more than ever I feel ready to do them. I feel PUMPED and excited, ready for anew. I am excited for this new year, I am excited for my little family. And now, without further ado, my obligatory New Year Resolutions.

2011

1. Run 3 races.* Size matters not, and at least one of them I have to run the entire time without stopping. By the end of the year I would really love to be able to run 3-5 miles, without stopping, and without feeling like I am going to DIE.

2. Lose 2-5 pounds every month.* Which equals out to about 24-60 pounds this whole year.

3. Learn to crochet. I want to make a hat, scarf, ornaments for my Christmas tree next year, and Granny squares so I can make a quilt.

4. Read my Book of Mormon, cover to cover, at least twice. I have not done this in YEARS.

5. Also there are three classes I am interested in taking; yoga, photography and singing.

There ya go. Something for the body, mind and soul. None of them too overwhelming, all of them within my grasp. I can do it, you can do it, WE CAN DO IT! Happy New Years!!! 2011 is going to ROCK.

** Also, one of my hopes this year is to add another baby to the Bosko family. That may make two of my top goals a little harder, but I am confident I can still keep them. If needs be I can walk my races, and (safely) diet while I am pregnant. It is possible.

30 Day Challenge

2010-12-04T08:19:00.001-10:00

I read a very inspiring blog post the other day,

from one of my favorite people/bloggers (that I have actually never met).

Walk Before You Run

Did you read it?? See, INSPIRING!

I think that's always my problem with the goals I set out for myself,

I start too big, and then fizzle out.

I want to run 3 miles in one day, when I know I can't even do 1 mile.

Or even get my ass on the treadmill.

We had a little scare not last month. Not a big deal, but I though I was pregnant. And that wouldn't be a bad thing, far from it. I was just scared, cause I realized I haven't done any of the things I wanted -and needed- to do before we have our next baby... like potty training Clark, running a 5K, dropping a few hundred pounds. I've been doing well on the other little goals I set for myself, a couple months ago. My family is on a better schedule and on the way to better eating habits (that is taking a bit longer since someone -Dad- is such a big baby and junk food-aholic).

I am just not doing well on my running goal.

I am no where near, where I should be for the end of December.

We (my friend and I) set the date for our first race!

March 18, 8K, here in Virginia Beach.

So, I have a little over 3 months to train myself to run 5 miles.

I know I can do it. I just have to take baby steps to get there.

I am not a fan of running, I really hate it.

Like totally 100%

But it is something I want to do with all of my heart.

(I've just got to get my body on board.)

I am going to do a 30 day challenge where I run/jog/walk really fast,

EVERYDAY!

I am allowing myself to take Sundays off,

but I am jogging all the other six days of the week,

for the next month, until Janurary1.

I am going to start the new year out right, ahead of a goal, on track!

And maybe this running everyday will help me develop a good habit,

so that when I start pushing myself longer and harder,

I will be able to stay on task, instead of just giving up.

I can't wait. I really really am hoping I can do this!

Poofy

2010-11-19T06:55:00.000-10:00

I have been feeling so poofy and bloated lately.
I think it is because I have started drinking soda again.

Gasp! Shame. I know.

I know it is bad for me. I know I shouldn't drink it.

But, the caffeiney goodness is just too good to pass up.

Not to mention I feel like a zombie most of the day if I don't have my morning Dew.

But alas, I am not liking this new extra poofy-ness.

So, I have 9 cans left. I will be rationing them out for the rest of them week,

then I am DONE.

Yo, for reals this time.

(Please don't remind me that I have said this a million times before.)

I am gonna need all the help I can get if I am really going to run that 5k early next year.

I will miss you, soda-sody...you are my BFF,
and I really don't know how I am going to get on without you.
Um... yea, I really don't. Do ya'll have any suggestions???

Perfectly Inspiring, For All Occasions.

2010-11-16T13:13:00.001-10:00

“When a battered, weary swimmer tries valiantly to get back to shore, after having fought strong winds and rough waves which he should never have challenged in the first place, those of us who might have had better judgment, or perhaps just better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him with our oars, and shove his head back underwater.”

~Jeffery R. Holland

Challenge Accepted

2010-11-08T18:24:00.001-10:00

My friend asked me if I wanted to run a 5k with her early next year,

and of course I said YES,

since I was already kinda training...
and well you know how much I want to.

We moved my tread mill into my bedroom, so I can't use the "its too cold" excuse to not go running, and I can also watch my shows while I run. We have it planned to do a practice run in January, and then run a race down here in Virgina Beach in March or April. I am excited.

On a related note...

I am still not doing well with the running, my chubby body really really hates it.

But I am going to keep on, keeping on.

Focus

2010-10-13T07:42:00.001-10:00

I feel like I am lacking focus in my life. I flit from one thing to another. One day I am obsessed with running a marathon (seriously, someday it is going to happen) so all I do is running things... I read about running, running blogs, running magazines, running shoes, I make lists and plans, I run. Then my back hurts, or I skip a day, and my focus changes. The next day it is about reading... I am just not reading enough, and my book blogs suck, and why can't I be a better book blogger- a professional book blogger...in fact why can't I be a better writer period! The next day it is photography, and why can't I take better pictures, or find an affordable class, or why can't I be as good Ms. Fancypants over there. Diet, exercise, child care, decorating my house (and my utter lack of craftiness), the list goes on and on. Always the same routine. I focus and obsess about things, until I start to make myself feel bad for not being as good as so and so, or not reaching the goals I set for myself, then I go on to something else. Searching for something to be the best at, to be validated for my hard work and passion. (And not something lame, like I am super awesome at watching too much tv.) I feel like a loser sometimes. I am 30 years old, and haven't really done anything with my life. I look at all these younger people around me, and the amazing things that they have done...and wonder why did I, DO I still, squander so much of my time and energy.
I want to make some changes in my life, I am going to make some changes. I am going to focus on 1 or 2 things at a time. Once I feel like I have succeeded, or made a good habit, then I can move to something else.
First things first, RUNNING. I have been enjoying the C25K program I started (when I actually do it), and I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to stay with it, and push myself a little harder (read- NO more skipping days, or ahem... weeks). I am not going to obsess about my diet (for now), or losing weight, just running.
Second, ROUTINE. I have never been very good at having myself, Jason, or my kids on a schedule. I let the boys eat and sleep whenever they want (which most nights means they are up until 12:30am). I laze about, playing, reading, doing whatever, letting things pile up around me, then spend a stressful day or two trying to get everything back in order...wash, rinse, repeat. There is no order in our life, which leads to stress and contention. Clark and Harry need the structure, especially the older they are getting, and I need to feel like I have some control in my life.
Slowly I hope I can get my life to where I want it, and feel successful.

What is Perfection???

2010-10-06T15:41:00.001-10:00

I found this blog this morning. I was supposed to be checking my email and facebook, real fast, but I clicked this link, and got hooked. I read for 2 straight hours.

This post really made think about my own life, and all the expectations I heap upon myself.

About how much I beat myself up on a daily basis for not meeting these expectations.

And how I treat my family... I don't ever want them to feel less than the amazingly perfect people they are. We all have different gifts and talents to offer each other, myself included

(no matter how hard it is for me to admit).

I have a messy house,

and for the life of me I can't seem to decorate it super cute like the ladies in my chruch.

I am overweight, and rarely floss my teeth. I pick my nose. I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband.

I am not perfect, far from it.

BUT;

neither is that lady I envied the other day for her perfectly decorated and clean house,

neither is the tiny little Mom I saw trying on her size 4 jeans,

neither is Mr. and Mrs. So and So and their seemingly perfect marriage.

I know I am rambling now, but I guess what I am trying to say is... reading this post today really opened my eyes to how I treat myself and others. I am really going to try to be loving, supportive and tolerant, to everyone around me, and not judge so quickly.

I am going to be a better friend, mother, wife.

Click the link below, and take a minute to read the post,
it is thought provoking.

ps. On this same blog, there is an equally important/moving post about bullying, READ IT!

Meh.

2010-10-05T12:38:00.000-10:00

Went jogging today.

It sucked.

Someday, I hope and pray that it doesn't suck.

Please, someone tell me that it will get easier.

NOT looking forward to my workout tomorrow.

But, I am going to do it anyway.

I hope.

Weird

2010-09-21T04:35:00.000-10:00

I feel so weird lately, well the last 5 days or so. I am achy and sore...mostly my back. I am exhausted all the time, which I know mostly has to do with my kids getting up a lot a night, and the stress of trying to get the house running smoothly (with NO help). I don't feel like I am getting sick. I just feel odd. And the past two days I have gotten the worst migraine headaches, which makes doing anything, painful, especially exercise. I want to get out and resume my C25K program, or at least get some fresh air and go on a walk. I was actually starting to make some progress, albeit slow, with the jogging. Meh. We'll see. I will give it another day or so. Harry has had a fever for the past couple days, so maybe we are all coming down with something...

What the WHAT???

2010-09-14T10:31:00.000-10:00

So,

I don't know if my scale is broken,

or the scale I was using before was broken,

or the weight loss Gods have finally decided to send me a little love...

But I have somehow magically lost 20 pounds.

I don't know if I believe it, but I am going with it for now.

Wouldn't you :)

I think it is time for a new, digital scale.

I don't feel as if I have lost any weight at all,

(which only confirms that this is all some kind of cruel prank).

I was hoping 20 pounds would at least make my clothes a little looser.

We'll see...

C25K

2010-09-14T10:25:00.001-10:00

Here is the new thing I am doing...

Couch To 5K

And I am really excited about it!!

I am only about a couple days in, but so far so good. It didn't think it would be so hard,

60 seconds of running psh, easy. But I am so incredibly out of shape, that it is kicking my butt.

I take the boys with me when I do my walk/jogs and push them in the double stroller. I am hoping that this will build up my strength and endurance, so when I do get to run by myself it is much easier.

I am, like always, working towards a marathon (or at the very least a 1/2 marathon) next year.

But for now, I do have a couple of 5k races lined up in October and November that I hope I can be ready for.

I really want to do this!

Also, I am going to be signing up for a couple classes in the evening next month, a yoga one for sure, and then maybe a spin class.

Go! Fight! Win!

A New Motivation

2010-09-09T10:43:00.000-10:00

I found a new motivation today,

not that my last one wasn't good enough,

but the more the merrier, right ;)

I just unpacked 3 boxes of winter clothes, that we had packed away while we lived in Hawaii

(you don't need winter clothes when it is 80 degrees year-round).

None of them fit, NONE!

Operation: Get April Into Her Winter Clothes, starts tomorrow.

I got up this morning, at 5am!, to go for a jog before Jason went to work, but it was still dark. So, tomorrow morning, after the kids have breakfast, we will start the first of many daily walk/jogs.

I am going to map out a 2/3 mile route tonight. The plan is to take the kids on a walk (walking for now, working up to jogging) at least 5 days of the week, in addition to the gym membership that I will be getting next month.

I wanna have a baby!

2010-09-07T09:29:00.000-10:00

I have decided that I am ready to have another baby!

Yes, I am serious.

It is not really a big surprise, we haven't exactly kept it a secret that we want a big family, at least 4 kids... maybe 5,

MAYBE.

Harry is turning 2 at the end of this month, and well... it's time.

But,

(and its a really BIG butt, cause it's mine!)

I need to lose some weight, get into shape, and just get healthier overall.

With both of my previous pregnancies the doctors made mention of me being over-weight. One doctor (whom shall remain nameless... just kidding I can't even remember his dumb name) even went as far as to call me OBESE! I am not joking. The funny thing about it was I was only 175 lbs, I would be pretty happy if I could get down to that weight again.
We aren't going to start "trying" right away. We need to get settled in our new area, get things figured out for Clark and Harry (school, doctors, therapists, ect...) and save a little bit of money (or pay down on our credit card). So, maybe early next year sometime.
(I am really so excited! A tiny little baby! A little baby brother or sister for the boys!)
Which means I have about 4-6 months to get into shape. I have already started lowering my calorie intake, after the binge fest that was our summer vacation, but need to work on better eating choices. I am also going to start walking/running again. The rest of this month (September) I am going to take it easy, while we finish unpacking and sort out our life here. I don't do well with stress (I have already been having a ton of anxiety) so I don't want to pile too much on my plate. Come October 1st I will be ready (I hope, I hope) to go all out! I am even going to try to find a small 5k race to run, give me something to work towards.

I am moving to the moon!

2010-07-03T13:35:00.001-10:00

I know it has been forever since I last posted.

We are moving, and on a sort-of vacation...visiting family and slowly heading towards Virginia (our new home). I can't even begin to describe the amount of stress I've been under, so many little things everyday. Not being in my own home with my own things, trying to keep the kids happy as we drag them all over the Southwest, not having time to do the things I enjoy... like reading and blogging (they really do help me relax and de-stress). I am loving every minute of it, honestly I do, I am so thankful that we are able to travel like this and spend time together as a family....but it is also wearing me pretty thin. Oh! And the junk food, so much junk food! Soda for our road trips, fast food drive-thrus so we can get in a couple more hours of driving, and of-corse my Momma's and Granny's home cooked food.

I have been gaining so much weight!

Sad face.

We went to the Space and Air Museum, in Alamagordo New Mexico yesterday.

I paid 25¢ to find out that I weighed 226.3 pounds!

Holy freaking cow!

That is too much.

Another sadder face.

I also found out that I would weigh 88.6 pounds on the moon.

I think I am moving to the moon now.

I think he likes me more....

2010-05-28T11:58:00.000-10:00

I think Jason likes me more when I don't diet.

He is all to willing to by the junk food and fast food. In fact, he is always buying me things I love to eat (soda, beef jerky, chips, chocolate) in a way to be sweet and nice.

I hate it.

I tell him I hate it, but he has a hard time hearing. I don't know how to explain to him, that yes I love to eat good food (and not so good food), and I know you are just trying to me make me happy, but I would love it more if you supported me on not eating crap food and that would make me twice as happy.

I know I am not going to be able to do this diet thing if I don't have him on my side 100%.

Ugh, just one more thing to add to the list... magically change husband to be supportive and helpful, ha.

Mr. Blog, you are not helping. And, Oy the Stress.

2010-05-28T11:50:00.000-10:00

This blog was supposed to be my helper to get healthy, and its not really helping anymore. I just ignore it until I feel guilty, then I pay a little attention to it, then back to ignoring it.

The stress of the move is getting to me. Getting to me bad. I have no time to do anything. Everyday I have a million things to do, and I feel like I have no time to do them.

For the first time in years, I actually feel the need and want to work out. Get all that stress and nervous energy out of my body. And now I have no time to do it, unless I get up at 5 am, and well that is just not going to happen, not in a million years. Especially when I only get like 6-7 hours of sleep a night.

(Maybe I need to start making it happen. Maybe, just maybe. We will see tomorrow.)

I feel so unhealthy. I am really trying to eat smaller portions, and healthier things. But in reality I know I am not doing good enough, and that make me more stressed, and a little sad.

Blah. That is how I feel. Just blah.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, even when I was pregnant with my kids.

I am embarrassed to go home, for people to look me, and judge me.

Also...

My kids are driving me crazy. CRAZY. I don't know how I am going to survive this move with them. I swear at least 60% of my stress is from them. Harry, and all his new issues. Clark and he endless amounts of energy, that causes so many messes and problems. It is exhausting.

I need this move to hurry and be over.

I want to be settled into my new house, in our new area.

I want to get my life back, and my health back.

ps. I am back on soda. It has been the only way I have gotten through the stress of the last couple weeks. But in exchange for drinking my diet soda, once a day, I gave up cookies, potato chips, most forms of candy.

Does it get easier?

2010-05-19T11:13:00.001-10:00

I have been doing much better with my workouts! I am taking a MUCH NEEDED break from obsessing over what and how much I eat, and trying to concentrate on just the exercise, for now. So for the past two weeks I have worked in a few walk/jogging sessions (3-4 miles). Sometimes I take the kids in the stroller, which adds 75 pounds that I am pushing along, great workout.

BUT, I am wondering, when does it start to get easier?? I still don't like to do it. In fact I hate it. But I thought that the more I did, the easier it would get, so I could go faster or longer.

I am still dreaming of someday running a marathon, someday. But just for now I would settle for running a mile without feeling like I am going to die.

All the things I can't have.

2010-05-14T10:57:00.001-10:00

All this week I have been pumping myself up everyday to start a new diet. And no matter how much I say I am going to, and how much I WANT to... I just have the hardest time. I want to do the diet, I have started the beginning phases...but I just can't commit myself all the way. All I keep thinking about is all the things I can not have anymore. No more soda (for 6 weeks now, you would think I would be proud of myself...but I am just sad), no more chocolate, no treats, no pasta, no shave ice....nothing interesting. I KNOW that all the indulging I have done in the past has gotten me to this point, and I REALLY do want to change. I want to change with all of my heart, somedays it is all I can think about. I make all these grand plans, diets to try, exercise programs to do...and still I never commit. I get so angry that I have to make my family dinner, or watch them eat something I enjoy, while I choke down dry chicken and spinach. I hate when we are on a drive and we stop at 7-11, and the most exciting thing I can get is a bruised apple or banana. It is so unfair. I miss drinking soda, or having a little dessert after dinner. I want to have the will power to make the right choices, to get the body and health that I REALLY want. BUT I also don't want to feel like I am missing out on everything, and giving up everything I enjoy. It is such a back and forth battle. I am wishing I can find something, or someone to give me that push I need, support to just stay on track, and stay focused for the end game.

Clean up on aisle 4!

2010-04-27T09:21:00.004-10:00

Over the weekend I HAD to go clothes shopping.

Now, I am not a shooper. I will spend hours in a book store, or at a swap meet. I can shop for shoes, jewelry, and even kid clothes. But I HATE shopping for clothes! It has never been easy or fun for me. Even when I was younger, when I wasn't so plumpy, I was still bigger than girls my age. I was beyond curvy and I could never find things that were appropriate to wear. So, I would just find something that wasn't hideous and I felt comfortable in, and I would wear that over and over until it was barely holding together, then go try to find somethings else.

The last time I did some major shopping was when I was pregnant with Harry. I got a few outfits and wore them through out my entire pregnancy, and well I just kept on wearing them, thats how much I hate shopping (oh, and also how poor we are). My shorts were fraying everywhere and well...they didn't even fit me anymore, and not in the good way. They were too tight. I don't think there is any worse feeling, knowing that you are so fat that the clothes you wore when you were 9 months pregnant don't fit anymore.

Worse. Feeling. Ever.

So, I HAD to go shopping.
I moved up a size in my shorts and shirts...

XXL and size 20!

OMG, I can't believe I just put that out there, for everyone to see, size 20...you know that is in the plus size section.
I am in the PLUS SIZE section.

HEART. BROKEN.

I knew my old size didn't fit me, but that didn't keep me from trying it when I got to the store, and sobbing hysterically when they didn't magically fit me.

Hopefully, this will be the wake up call I need, to stop draggin' my feet and get to work. As much as it feels nice to wear clothes that fit, and I don't look like a rag-a-muffin any more... I just wish that I could be writing about going a size or two down.
This is going to be the summer of slimmin' down! No more making crazy plans and half-way keeping them. No more being lazy. I want to do it, for reals this time!
For. Real.
It is not going to be easy, especially since we moving this summer. A big move, and a big road trip. But I am determined.

So, I am mad.

2010-04-23T12:22:00.000-10:00

I am mad, tired, frustrated, stuck. I feel like I have no control.

I have two kids, two adorable little boys, who only like to eat junk food. And I am not exaggerarting, I can count the times I have seen them eat a fruit or veggetable. I have been slowly weeding out all the bad food that they love, and forcing them to make better choices (Jason too). We got the hot dogs out of the house that Clark used to eat for breakfst lunch and dinner, and NO more Ramen!!! I let them have fries, but only when we eat out. So right now they are living on chicken nuggets, crackers, noodles and pretzels (I am slowly working on adding whole wheat noodels to the noodle pot).

Anyway, it is a work in progress, and I know Jason and I haven't been the best example, but we are trying.

Lat night I made a healthly dinner, super healthy. Baked chicken and potatoes, with broccoli, califlower and carrots, all seasonsed with garlic and pepper, one of my favorite meals. I knew the boys would be hungry, they had no afternoon snacks, and Jason took them to play at the park, so they should've been starving. I figured, hoped, prayed that if they just tried a bite they would reason that even thought it looks funny, it taste really good. We sat down to dinner (I love eating at the table as a family, the nights I can convince them to join me) and no one ate anything. Nothing. I was so confused, until I got it out of Jason that he took them to McDonalds after the park, and they all had a mini dnner before they came home for the food I worked for the last hour to cook.

I was sad.

Sad because it is unfair on a parentling level.

Jason always gets to be the fun dad and I have to be the mean mom.

Sad because I finally realized what I was up against...

I have NO support in my house when I try to make POSITIVE changes. NONE. I have to do everything by myself. Jason can go on and on about how much he supports me or wants things to change. But I have to figure out how to do it all by myself, with him and two tiny munchkins fighting me the whole way.

I feel it the mostly with the deit and food stuff in our house, but it is apparent everywhere else as well. Disciplining our kids, trying to get them on better scheldules, budgeting, keeping up the house and yard work. I am responsible for everything. Yet, at the same time, Jason likes to play the boss. So I feel no control over what needs to be accomplished, yet all the responsibly to do it. It is maddening. And it is a fight I can't win. One we have been having for years. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to tell him how I feel, we talk, I yell, I cry, we try to talk again. I keep trying and there is no win. He doesn't see that his ideas, plans and strategies to improve are life are not working. We are not going forward.

I just want to wake up in the morning and feel like I have some control over my day. That I can decide what we are going to have for dinner, and everyone will be happy I made it and eat it. That I can go for a walk/jog without worrying that the house is going to be ripped to shreds, with the boys being negelcted while I am gone. I want to feel like the effort I put into things is working and worth something. I want some support in my dieting choices. Is it so hard to just NOT buy icecream and junk every time you go to the store?!

I love my family. I want us to move forward, as a team. I want some support and control, with my decisions and life. I want to feel better about my life, instead of wanting to sleep through the day. I have been so incredibly blessed in my life, I am beyond thankful for everything I have and hold dear. But is it too much to ask that we NOT be complacent with our life, but strive to be better than we already are.

Bah-humbug. Looks like it is time for another LONG walk.

I just hope I can get some time to myself today.

I would walk a 500 miles...

2010-04-15T21:36:00.000-10:00

NOT!

I would not not not!

I went on a 3 mile walk today, hardly anything if you ask me.

And I hated it, every step of it.

The whole time I was trying to convince myself I was doing good, and working out like I was supposed to. BUT all I wanted was to go home and watch tv, or clean my house (yea, clean my house, go figure). Everyday I try to brainwash myself that I love to workout, that I am good at it, and that someday I will wake up and my body will be like "yo April, I feel like a run".

Fat chance.

You know how 'they' say that it only takes a few weeks of regular workouts for you body to adjust, and it will be easier.

Well, I think that is a myth. A BIG FAT lie, that skinny people tell us fat people to fool us into working out.

It never gets easier, it never gets fun. It is always boring, hard, sweaty, achey, and hurty (yea, I know that is not a word).

I hate doing it, and yet I know I must.

I must, I must, I must.

Sorry, just trying to convince myself again.

Weekly Weigh-In and Goals

2010-04-11T21:01:00.005-10:00

Weekly Weigh-In

215 lbs.

Still!! Geez, I wasn't expecting much, but at least a pound or two.

Goals Kept This Week:

Still of soda, almost 3 weeks so far. Longest I've stayed off in a while (without cheating).

I kept to my diet about 50% of the time. I haven't been too strict, but I also haven't been cheating too much.

I did not do any walking this week, ONLY because it was so so rainy.

I also did my 30 day Shred workout for 3 days. It is such an intense workout, I was mega sore for most of the weak. Like so sore I could barely sit on the toilet, or pick up Harry without wincing in pain.

So, overall...I didn't do too bad.

But still need to do way better.

Next Weeks Goals:

1. Walk 3 miles (or more) per day, at least 5 days out of the week.

2. Do my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video, at least 4 days out of the week.

Also, work on my stamina and endurance during my workouts. No quitting and being a baby!

3. I am just going to concentrate on making healthier eating decisions and smaller portions, no specific diet (for now).

4. Stay OFF of soda and sugary all beverages, except Crystal Light.

5. Drink LOTS of water.

This last week was really hard on me. I am having a hard time with my depression and anxiety...and I have been beyond moody. I find that I have a much harder time keeping my goals when things are not going as planned...and well with two kids and Jason that is almost always. I want to focus more on exercising, to help release some of the stress that I have, and also work on my endurance. I have such a hard time pushing myself during a workout, when I get tired or bored I just stop, instead of pushing myself to finish.

Really hoping that I can do better this week...

Its too hard.

2010-04-06T13:09:00.000-10:00

Well, it is Day 2.
Yesterday I did NOT keep to my diet or do any working out. Boo. (I did however stay off soda, so that is good).
Today... so far so good. I am staying on track as far as my diet goes. And I even attempted my Jillian Michaels workout video, which by the way was total HELL. It is 20 minutes of intense strength training, cardio, and ab workouts. She has you do multiple moves at once, like squats with bicep curls. Nice in theory, not awesome when you have to do it. I couldn't even finish the whole workout, I felt like throwing up. I knew I was out of shape, but didn't realize how bad it was. It is way bad. I don't know how I am going to do this everyday. I feel sick and weak, like a giant wobbly jelly roll (which by the way, makes me think of jelly rolls and now I am hungry). Just thinking of having to do it again tomorrow makes me want to cry. I though exercising was supposed to give you more energy, I feel like I can hardly move, and I am so drained.
I am determined. I really am. I am going to keep the goals I made, don't ask me how. I just wish that I didn't feel like it was so impossible.

Weekly Weigh-In and Goals

2010-04-04T19:31:00.000-10:00

Weekly Weigh-In

215 lbs.

How is it possible that I gained 3 pounds, especially since I cut out soda and half the junk that I eat. Boo!

I really wish I had a more accurate, digital scale.

Goals Kept This Week:

I spent all week getting off of soda...

DONE!

Next Weeks Goal:

1. Walk 3 miles (or more) per day, at least 5 days out of the week.

2. Do my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video, at least 6 days out of the week.

3. Do my detox diet (link on the side bar). No cheating!

4. Stay OFF of soda and sugary all beverages, except Crystal Light.

5. Drink LOTS of water.

Alright, here I go.

Just like an alcoholic.

2010-04-02T17:58:00.000-10:00

So, it took ALL week, and I am still feeling the PAIN, but I am OFF caffeine!

AGAIN.

And this time, just like an alcoholic, I am not going back, not even for one sip. It is too hard getting off, the headaches, and irritability, and sadness... I am so sad without my daily Diet Mt. Dew. I know it is a step in the right direction, and hopefully I am going to start feeling the positive effects of not "drinking" any more.

That was this week.

Next week, I am going to re-start the detox diet I tried late last year (the one I got from my Dad). I am not looking forward to the massive amount of veggies, with NO salt. But I did have success last time, so I am just going to keep reminding myself of that.

Jason also bought me this double jogging stroller!! I am going to walk to Clark's school (1.5 miles away, so 3 miles round-trip) to pick him up everyday...and maybe some days, when I am feeling ambitious I am going to take him to school too.

I also got this workout video, it looks hardcore! I am excited to try it. I am going to start with just a couple days a week, and then work up to everyday.

That is the plan. I am good at making plans, too good.

Not so good at keeping said plans...

I know I have said this SO MANY TIMES, but I am just sick and tired of the WIEGHT. It is weighing me down, and making me depressed.

I just have to keep reminding myself, one step at a time...

and DON'T GIVE UP.

Uninspired...and then maybe a little inspired.

2010-03-29T12:15:00.001-10:00

I have been so UNINSPIRED lately. I don't feel like doing anything. Everything is a chore, everything. I don't want to read. I don't want to blog. I don't want to take pictures. Last, but not least...I don't want to work out. Unfortunately, I do want to eat...and sleep.
I take Zoloft for my depression. I HATE taking it, but it does help, a lot. I have recently ran out of my last prescription, and I know my body is just adjusting. I have decided to not take anything for awhile. I want to fight this the old fashion way... working out, being active and productive and eating better (Tom Cruise would be so proud). I am going to start working out twice a day. It might involve walking Clark to and from school, my workout video, or just hoofin' it on the treadmill...but I will be doing it twice a day.

Over the weekend I watched this new show, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution. I am all about eating fresh, home cooked meals. I nag Jason almost constantly about how much processed food, and take out we eat and feed the boys, and how much I HATE it. I only managed to get Jason to watch half of the show with me...BUT I did convince him to let me redo our dinner menus and limit our eating out to twice a month. Also, no more soda in the house, no more chicken nuggets and ramen for the boys, or cookies, hotdogs or mac and cheese. I am going to cook all our meals from scratch. They are not going to be happy, especially Clark, who likes to have Ramen for breakfast...but it is SO important that we do this as a family.

So, here I am hopelessly uninspired. Trying little by little to get inspired. I need to do something. Anything. I am getting plumpier and chubbier. Seriously, I went to the doctor over the weekend and I weigh...212 lbs! I want to be healthy again and fit. I want to run and have energy. I want to change myself, better myself and maybe, just maybe inspire someone else.

The one where I tell you I am going to start over on my diet (really this time), but only after Clark's birthday cake is all gone.

2010-02-18T21:54:00.004-10:00

Ugh. Meh. Blah. Gah. Bitch. Moan.

I need to get my butt back in gear. I have gained more wieght. 208lbs!

Yikes.

It makes me so sad... but I guess not sad enough to actually do anything about it. I hate being fat, I hate it. I am so embarrassed all the time, and I don't ever feel like MYSELF.

I am really wanting to start over this coming week. I am so tired of telling myself I am going to, and then not. So, this Monday I am going to do it. I know I will feel so much better, whether I have success or not, as long as I am trying.

I also want to plan to run a 5k this summer. I am not sure which one yet, cause we will be in the process of moving. But I am going to find one tomorrow (so stayed tuned).

My new workout/running routine will be:

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1/2 mile-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 mile-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 2 miles-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2, then run for 2 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

As so on until I get up to 5 miles. After that I will re-evaluate my training, and maybe find a longer race... half marathon??!!

Ok, here I go...AGAIN.

I am so tired of starting over, and quitting.

Night time snacking.

2010-01-29T20:32:00.002-10:00

Well, I have good news and bad news....

The good news is, I am OFF of soda again. 5 days so far, with nothing but water or Crystal Light. And this time I am really going to try to stay off, really.

The bad news is, I am not doing very well sticking to my diet. I can do it all day, ALL DAY. No cheating. But as soon as dinner is over, I am ravenous. I want to eat anything and everything. From 6pm until I go to bed is the worst for me. I try having extra glasses of water, herbal tea, snacking on some baby carrots or nuts, but none of it is satisfying enough to curb that gnawing feeling in my stomach. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, or how to fix it. I am eating plenty of protein and veggies through out the day, but as soon as the night hits...yikes. Any suggestions?

This next week I am going to try to step up my workouts. At least 4 days this week.

I have been pretty off and on with this diet and exercise thing lately, I really want to get back in the groove.

Bah!

2010-01-19T19:56:00.004-10:00

Today Jason informed me that he didn't buy our tickets for the Great Aloha Run, nor was he planning to (because surprise surprise, he messed up our monthly budget again). BAH!

After first I was relieved, then upset, back to relived, and now just confused.

I am relieved, because I was probably going to end up walking most of it, which would have taken ALL DAY. I am not doing any better with my running. I can run up to 1/2 a mile, but then I just can't make myself go anymore. (I usually add about another mile or two of walking.) I am upset because this is our last few months in Hawaii, most likely we are never gonna live here again, or even visit for a very long time. I wanted my first race (hopefully first of many) to be in Hawaii. While I am going back and forth, trying to decide on what stance to take... I realize I am just confused... I don't really know what I want. How did I except to run it anyway, when I never keep my goals??? As much as I try/want to make myself BE, I am just not that running athletic girl.

For the past several weeks, I have been telling myself everyday I am going to do this, or that...and yet I never do. It ranges to everything from, cleaning my house and getting caught up on laundry, to taking the kids to the park, to re-starting my diet, to finishing the hundreds of projects I have started...BAH!

I feel like I need some kind of re-boot, or even jump start. A week ALL BY MYSELF, to get caught up, and then start fresh. A good nights sleep, with out having nightmares of little Haitian orphans. A day where I can manage not to drink five too many diet Mt. Dews. A week to have my house clean, go to church, FINISH a book, and slowly try to brainwash my self... (no April, you do not like junk food, April spinach is your best friend, April you can survive on 1000 calories a day, and NO soda, April exercise is for WINNERS and naps are for LOSERS).

So, here I go again. Someday THIS WEEK, I am going to restart my diet and exercise. And I say someday, so that I can't beat myself up when I don't start til Saturday. Bah, why is it so hard...

Starting Over

2010-01-11T21:29:00.003-10:00

I am starting over...for reals this time. Seriously.

I am starting the Detox diet tomorrow. Daily work outs. Only one can of soda a day. At least 48-64 ounces of water a day (with my low calorie, sugar free mix-ins). No sugar, or salt. Treats= sugar free gum, my daily soda, or 1 serving of fruit a day. Daily multi-vitamin and plenty of outside time.

Here I go. For real. I am tired of being a fatty. I would like to lose 5 lbs. a month. I would like to work on my running, marathon (or really slow 5k) here I come.

Its not just about the FAT.

2009-12-31T21:14:00.004-10:00

This new year I am recommitting myself to my weight loss and health goals.

I am all in, 100%!!

No cheat days this time, no excuses for not working out. I am going to quit being a baby, and I am just going to DO IT!

But, I don't want it all to be about fat. I want to find out more about myself, who I am, and work on my other goals, better everything about my life. I intended this blog to be all about finding me (hopefully a skinnier version of me), not just excising and dieting. I am not sure, right now, how I am going to incorporate the other things...but I am going to.

Here's to (I am toasting you with a nice cool glass of Diet Mt.Dew...my last one this year) a great New Year! I am really really praying that I can do it this time.

Its all in the look.

2009-12-17T12:50:00.003-10:00

The other day I had a doctors appointment. The nurse was taking my vitals and what not, and she asked me, "How much do you weigh?". To which I replied, "200". (Which is a little lie, I weight 197...but it is 3 pounds, who is really counting, oh yeah I am.) Then with her eyes squinted she looked me up and down, and up and down again, and gave me a look that obviously meant... I don't believe you. Gah!

Now, I would like to think that she didn't believe me because I look so trim and fit (ha bloody ha), but I am sure she thought I was fatter, and was lying to save face.

It was just one look, and yet to me it meant a thousand things.

It reminded me of all the times when I was younger and thinner, when people would look at me... I never thought what about they were thinking, it never even crossed my mind. Maybe I might feel a little flattered, because I knew I looked cute that day, or got an awesome outfit. (There are no cute outfits for us plumpy girls.) But now, I am so insecure. Why are you looking at me? What are you thinking... Look at the plumpy girl, well at least she has a nice smile, or I would never let myself get that fat, or why is she eating french fries when she should be eating a salad...

I hate that my weight has caused me to be so insecure, and not the outgoing person that I am. I hate that I never really feel like myself, even with the dieting I feel like I am being someone else. Not eating food I normally love, or trying new recipes. Trying to be this fake healthy girl, who really just wants some fried chicken and Mexican food. Trying to be this runner, when still after all these months I can't find any enjoyment in it, I have to force myself. I am not a runner girl or an athletic girl. I am a plumpy girl (who wishes she was skinny) who likes to curl up on the couch a read all day with snacks, or watch a great tv show with snacks.

I wish I could find a way to be myself, and still lose weight. Snack and read and be lazy, yet still be a runner. And a real runner, not the pathetic jogging that I do for ten minutes before I stop (cause I feel like I am gonna die). I wish I could get secure in my body and not worry about every little look people give me.

It is such a long road, I know. I am not giving up, NOT at all. I am just searching for a happy medium. Some way to get what I want, without totally changing who I am.

GO! FIGHT! WIN!

Why can't everyday be like yesterday??

2009-12-15T18:49:00.003-10:00

Yesterday was so awesome. I stuck to all my rules, I had an awesome work out (2.5 miles jogging/walking), I ate healthy food in small portions (no cheating!), I even cleaned up my house, it was fantastic.

Today is another story. One too many sodas, cheating on my diet, and no work out. I blame it on a very bad kid day, the stress just makes me forget about all the things I want to do. I wallow in self pity, pick on myself, and then feel even worse for cheating and not working out (it is a vicious cycle).

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to stick to my plan for more than a few days at a time. I think that is my biggest hurdle I need to get over. Although I am thankful that I can start over, on a daily basis if needed.

My sister-in-law wants some support getting of soda, so I am going to do that with her. God knows I need to get off for good, and quit yo-yoing. I have tried a few times this year, but maybe this can be my first new year's resolution, get off soda and STAY off!

Weekly Weigh-In

2009-12-13T18:48:00.002-10:00

Today I weighed-in at 197lbs. I gained a little from last week. I am such a yo-yo, up and down, up and down.

To be fair (or unfair to me) I have not been sticking to my rules. I have no will power. :(

SO, this week I am gonna start over (yet again). Hopefully with a renewed focus, I really am so tired of being plumpy.

I am going to track my running, by minutes and miles, and try to add a little bit on every week. This week my goal is to get up to 2 miles fast paced walking, and 1 mile jogging.

Rules for this week:

*No eating past 8pm.

*Sticking to my Medi-Fast and Detox Diet

*Some type of workout everyday

*No soda... I will be forever working on this, forever. But I think for now I really need to get off it.

*Drinking more water

Here I go, again... Meh.

Honolulu Marathon

2009-12-13T14:55:00.002-10:00

I am so sad today. Today was the Honolulu Marathon that I was SUPPOSED to run. I gave myself all year to train and get ready... and I wasted it. I am not even any closer this year than I was last year... well maybe a teeny tiny bit closer.

I am just such a bad runner. I don't know how to get past that first hurdle. The longest I have ever run without stopping was .7 of a mile (like 12 minutes). Sucky. I want to push myself to go longer, and farther... but I am a big baby I guess.

Next year, I really want to do it next year. I really really do.

50 in 50!

2009-12-09T18:20:00.003-10:00

I saw this guy on the news tonight that had run a marathon in all 50 states. I want to do that too! 50 marathons, in 50 states! I am going to try so so so hard to make my first one be next year.

How do you diet when you are sick?

2009-12-09T14:00:00.002-10:00

Seriously? I don't know. When I don't feel good it is near impossible to eat healthily, let alone exercise. I have been slacking the past couple days because I caught Clark's cold. My head is throbbing, my ears are ringing, my throat is sore...and all I want is comfort food. Right when I get in the swing of things, something always sets me back. I am so glad I can start over again tomorrow.

Weekly Weigh-In

2009-12-06T15:35:00.003-10:00

193LBS!!!

Finally losing some weight again. Someone at church even told me today that I looked like I was losing weight, it is so nice to feel validated... and just what I needed to hear before I start again this next week. I am liking this Medi-Fast diet a lot. It is much easier to stay on top of my calories and food intake when the meals are already planned out and prepared. I wish I could get another months worth, but it is kinda expensive... so maybe later on down the road.

I haven't been doing well with my exercising at all. Nothing this last week. It is so hard to be motivated to work out, when I am concentrating so hard to not cheat... and add in all the other things I have to do, I am already tired before I even walk out the door.

This next week I am gonna work really hard on not cheating and sticking to my Medi-Fast plan, and adding in 4-5 days of working out.

Maybe...

2009-12-03T12:17:00.002-10:00

Clark is sitting next to me eating mini Oreo cookies, and I haven't eaten a single one. Maybe, just maybe I won't be fat forever.

Day by day.

2009-12-02T15:04:00.004-10:00

I have been doing the Medi-Fast diet for 4 days now. Believe it or not, the oatmeal that I eat for breakfast did NOT make me gag today. The first 3 days were really really hard, but I am really getting used to it. Most of the prepared meals taste like garbage water, the chicken soup I ate yesterday tasted like old chicken broth. Even though it is not very tasty, and I am dying for some real food (I dreamed of nachos last night), I am sticking to it for the rest of the month. I like that I am getting all my daily vitamins and calories, without really thinking about it. Each packet meal is about 100-150 calories, so I am probably eating about 1000-1200 calories a day. I also allow myself one diet soda a day, as a treat. Not too bad. More do-able than I originally thought. It was so hard to get back on track, after my Halloween cheat day, and doing this is really helping. I have 22 more days until Christmas Eve, my next cheat day!

Now, I just really really really need to work on working out more.

Weekly Weigh-In

2009-11-29T10:09:00.002-10:00

Weekly Weigh-In

200lbs.

At least I am maintaining my weight. I was expecting to have gained a lot, it being Thanksgiving and all.

I did much better working out this week. Lots of walking. I even pushed the boys (70 lbs!) to the park and back, 3 MILES! I plan on doing that a couple times again this next week. It is such a good work out, up hills, pushing my fatty babies. I only have a couple more months until The Great Aloha Run, and I need to up my miles for distance. I am going to work on 2-4 miles walking/jogging this week.

Medi-Fast

2009-11-29T09:45:00.002-10:00

I started a new diet today. It is called Medi-Fast. A friend of mine did it, she had some left overs and gave them to me. I have about a months worth. It involves four prepared Medi-Fast meals per day (soup, shakes, oatmeal) just add water, shake and stir. Then one regular meal (I prepare), lean meat and lots of veggies. Each prepared/packet meal is about 150-200 calories. I already tried the oatmeal one for breakfast, it tasted like paste with chunks of dehydrated apples, gag. Since I only have a months worth I figure I am going to give it all I got, if it works well maybe I will purchase my next month (it is about $250, $10 per day). I am hoping this will give me the jump start I need to get back on track. I have had a awful month of cheating and binging and not enough working out. If I have to choke down these disgusting packet meals four times a day, there is no way I am going to cheat. (Well, until my next cheat day Christmas Eve.)

So, here I go again. GO, FIGHT, WIN!!!

A wasted week.

2009-11-22T15:54:00.002-10:00

I haven't been doing so well with my goals. I feel like everyday, every minute even, is a fight to do what I am supposed to. A fight against Jay, a fight against my kids, and a fight against myself.

I did manage a couple days of working out. My stamina when I run is getting a little better, but the progress is so slow.

I had a couple good days of eating, but mostly cheating this week. Blah...

My sister-in-laws, cousin, and I have started a Fat Club. Everyday day we log our food intake and work outs. It has helped me eat a lot better...knowing that I am going to have to share EVERYTHING I eat, shame is such a marvelous weight loss tool :) It is nice to know I am not in this alone, and have a little competition...but how I wish that I had someone here in Hawaii that wanted to work out do do things with me.

It is hard to commit to another week, when I know I plan on cheating like crazy on Thanksgiving (PIE). But come Friday, I really hope to be back on track.

Why me???

2009-11-16T10:56:00.003-10:00

I am really sucking at this diet, lifestyle change, thing lately. I wake up in the morning all ready to go, then I see the cookies Jason left on the counter, or cook some toast for Harry...and then I am off, screwed for the rest of the day. I have lost all my motivation. I am blaming Jason for the most part, he really does make it so hard for me to stay on task.

BUT, it is a new week and I am having a go at it again, that is after I finish the cookies and milk I am having for breakfast.

My weigh-in yesterday was 200lbs!!! Almost back to where I started from, it makes me sick and angry. All that work for nothing. Arg!

I did do well working out last week:

3 days of 1.5 miles or about 28 minutes walking/jogging.

I know I can do better than that, and I need to up my jogging time/distance so I can get ready for the race in February.

I also started a sort of Fat Club with my sister in-laws...winner get a prize at the end of a few months. I think the extra support and competition will really help keep me focused...or at least that is what I am hoping,

That is all for now. I got work to do, and cookies NOT to eat.

Mark your calanders!

2009-11-09T14:29:00.004-10:00

My first race (I think Jason is going to do it with me too), and I already registered so I can't back out!

THE GREAT ALOHA RUN

FEBURARY 15, 2010

8.15 miles

96 more days, ahh!

I am not entering this race to win, or run my fastest (if I can even run the entire 8 miles) but just to do it, to cross the finish line. I don't even know how I am gonna do it, but even if I have to walk the entire time I am going to cross the finish line.

Here I go again...

2009-11-09T14:02:00.002-10:00

I have gained 3 pounds in the last couple weeks...ugh! That is what I get for not working out, and cheating my little heart out.

I have been off the wagon for far too long...I don't know what got into me. Just tired of always saying no to everything I really wanted to eat I guess. Although, Jason has enjoyed it...he is not looking forward to me starting over again.

Tomorrow I am back on the wagon, the detox diet wagon. I am starting over from square one. It is going to be 10x harder this time...but at least most of the Halloween candy is gone, and Thanksgiving is only a couple weeks away.

Wish me luck, I am REALLY going to need it this time around.

This is what they call yo-yo dieting... and I am a Pro at it.

2009-11-02T10:22:00.005-10:00

Enjoying my Mexican fiesta at Cholo's, on my Halloween cheat day!

So, the whole diet thing has not been going well. Stress, vog (the nasty volcano fog that makes it hard for me to breath, and see, and sleep and gives me pounding headaches), allergies, church parties, kids, and just plain holiday fever...it feels like everyday it is something else, something that is making it harder and harder to make the right food decisions.

Last week was great, except I couldn't stay on my diet.

My cheat day was not as fun as I thought it would be, my food was yummy and it was fun going out with the family...but I felt like a cheater (cause I had already cheated all week) and I shouldn't get such a tasty reward for that.

I wish I could say that I have started over fresh, psyched and ready for this new week. BUT, I haven't... I had cold pizza for breakfast (courtesy of my husband) and I am planning on having a cook out with my sister later this week. On a positive note, I have hardly eaten any of the left over Halloween candy, and I have been doing well on exercising (not super good, but good enough).

I didn't even weigh myself yesterday, and I am too afraid to get on the scale today. This is going to be a hard holiday season...

I wish I could get that focus back that I had a couple weeks ago, when I was doing so well.

This is not the end. I will get back on that horse (or treadmill) and start over, yet again, and probably not for that last time. It is just going to take me longer (a lot longer) than I thought.

Cowboy Salad

2009-10-26T15:06:00.003-10:00

My Mom used to make this for me a lot growing up, and it is probably one of my favorite things to eat. It is so filling, flavorful, and loaded with vitamins. It is the ONLY thing I cheat (a VERY little) with and have a sprinkle of salt...cause who can eat a tomato without salt.

It is simple to make... One diced tomato, a few small diced onions, a few diced green chiles, sprinkle of salt and pepper, and like a teaspoon of olive oil, and vinegar each. Hmm, so tasty!

Weekly Weigh-In

2009-10-26T14:25:00.003-10:00

195!

Oh no! I gained two pounds. I don't know if it was the extra fruit, or the day I cheated...but I gained two pounds and it feels like TEN :( Such a crappy way to start the week. And let me just say that starting over on the "diet" when I cheated for two days is SO hard...add gaining two pounds, and I am just sad and defeated. BUT I am not giving up. I am really going to re-focus my energy to staying on track, well until Halloween (this Saturday) when we are going for Mexican food!

My working out this last week was so much better:

I did 3 days (Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday) jogging for 20-25 minutes. It averages out to only a mile, cause I am so slow. This week I am going to work adding miles, I want to work up to 4 miles. I will feel like I need to workout more, especially if I want success.

Shame Shame...

2009-10-23T21:17:00.003-10:00

I cheated tonight...not too bad, but I still cheated. We went to our church Halloween party, and I ate some candy and CHILI!! I feel horribly guilty, and to make it worse, I am probably gonna cheat again tomorrow when we take the boys to the pumpkin patch.

Dieting during the holiday season is going to be really hard. But I am just going to try to not over-do it when I do cheat, and make sure I don't cheat too much. I am still so far from my goal, I don't want to have to start all the way over.

Can I just say...that the chili tasted heavenly (although it could have used some CHEESE) and the candy, well the candy I could have done without. It didn't taste as yummy as I remember it, which I guess is a good thing and a bad thing (probably more good). I also just want to mention that there was a table full of cupcakes, cookies, and other delicious what-nots...and I did NOT take a single one. Yay me!

Quiet Time

2009-10-20T19:37:00.003-10:00

This is the hardest time, this quiet time. When the boys are gone and my house still and quiet. When the house is dark, except for the flickering light of my tv shows. My time, my favorite time. This is when I would normally get a snack...a big bowl of ice cream, some cookies and milk, or some crispy salty potato chips. It is so weird to be sitting here, eating nothing. Sure, I could munch on some carrots, or have an orange, they would probably be satisfying and my craving would leave. But I really really miss junk food, the comfort of it, the familiarity of it. I always like doing two things....watching tv and snacking, reading my books and snacking, surfing the web and SNACKING. It feels unnatural to not be eating. I miss it. But I am doing the better thing... Right? I know I am, but it is hard to change all of myself so fast.

My poor little chubby self is sad...she wants some cheese.

On a more positive note, having fruit back in my diet is such a treat. I hardly feel like I am dieting anymore. I don't want to over do it, because I can already tell that having the sugar back in my body (even though it is good sugar) is making me hungrier faster, and making want to eat more than I have been the last couple weeks. I need to be careful...

Oranges!!

2009-10-19T09:39:00.001-10:00

After two weeks of no sugar, and strict dieting...eating an orange is practically an orgasmic experience. Enough said.

Weekly Weigh-In

2009-10-18T20:35:00.004-10:00

193 lbs.

Woot! I lost six more pounds...which brings my grand total (since I have started this blog) to 13 pounds. I don't think I have ever lost that much weight before...except after my babies were born. It still seems a little unbelievable to me. I can't really see it yet either. There are a couple outfits that are fitting better, and my shorts are baggier, and my boobs are definitely smaller, but most of my clothes still fit the same.

We need to get a newer scale. I feel like the one we have is so old fashioned. I would like something a lot more accurate. Sooner or later my weight loss is going to slow way down, and those one or two pounds I lose (if I am lucky) are going to be the only thing getting me through the week.

FRUIT!!!!

2009-10-18T20:03:00.004-10:00

Tomorrow will mark 14 days on the detox diet. I did really really well, if I must say so ;)

I cheated a little the first day, and I did cheat a little yesterday (it was sample day at Costco), but both times I cheated it was a very small amounts and not things that were out of control unhealthy. I think the thing I am most happy about is, I finally have been able to get my portion sizes under control (one of the things I really used to struggle with). It has been the one thing that has made the most difference. I eat most of my meals on the kids little plates, and fill it up with veggies first, before I add anything else to my plate. I get full so much faster than I used to...which I know will come in handy on my cheat days.

The next two weeks of the detox diet, are the same as the first two...lean meats, and lots of veggies. Except now we get to add FRUIT!!!!! I can not wait to eat an orange...and tomatoes!

Weeks 3 & 4

Add all fruits. Lots of grapefruits and berries. Tomatoes are ok.

No bananas, watermelon, or grapes.

Pretty simple. And only 13 days until Halloween, and my next cheat day!!

I did not do very well on my working out, at all. I did not even try. It is the thing I hate the most, especially when I am not feeling well. In between trying to figure out if this diet was tyring to kill me, or just a horrible sinus infection...I could hardly muster the energy to do my household chores, let alone 30 minutes on the tread mill. I am hoping to try a little harder this week, I am hoping, hoping, hoping. I KNOW I am not going to keep on losing weight if I don't get up off my butt!

So, here is to the next two weeks, FRUIT, exercise and Halloween! Go, Fight, Win!

I wonder...

2009-10-16T13:06:00.003-10:00

I don't know what is wrong with me...

For the past week I have felt so sick, and drained. I have headache after headache, nausea, and I have even lost my breakfast a few times. And before any one asks, NO I AM NOT PREGNANT...it is not even possible.

I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with this diet I have been on, but for the life of me I can't figure out how. I am drinking a lot of water, and some Crystal Light now and then. I eat several times a day (at least 4-5 times), my portions are a lot smaller than they used to be...but I ate like a pig before, so it hard for me to gauge how much is too little or too much. I am not hungry very often...so I figure I am doing fine in that department. I am eating protein at least twice a day, and lots of veggies, and even taking a multi-vitamin. I assumed by now my body would be over the sugar with-drawls...but maybe not. I really wish I could shake this, so I can start working out again. I was doing so well before, and now I am probably gonna have to start over from the beginning.

I am really looking forward to next week, when I can add fruits to the menu. God I want an orange so bad!

Eight Days of Cheating

2009-10-13T19:42:00.003-10:00

I am loving this diet, I mean lifestyle change, and I am planning on sticking to it for the long haul. BUT, I am still a chubby girl at heart, and I love love love food. Really good food! Steamy carne asade with guacamole and corn tortillas, crispy bacon, homemade mac and cheese, steak and fries, and Dairy Queen. I miss food so much. I miss that warm feeling when you're stuffed to the brim with food, sugary, salty, tasty food. So, in an honest effort to stay true to my chubby inner self, I am planning eight days of cheating over the next seven months.

Here are my allowed cheat days:

October 31st Halloween - Mexican Food!!! I am dying for some beans and guacamole.

November 26th Thanksgiving - We are getting TWO pies, and making homemade mac and cheese...and ROLLS.

December 24th and 25th Christmas and Christmas Eve - French toast and bacon, ham and mashed potatoes...and MORE pie.

December 31st New Year's Eve - Out to dinner at Zia's, our yearly tradition.

February 15th Clark's Birthday - BBQ and CHIPS!

March 11th Jason's Birthday - Hmmm... it will be Jay's choice, but I know it will be so tasty.

April 28th Our Anniversary - Steak, fries, ice cream...and what ever else I can get my hands on.

Those are the days I am living for. These planned days make it so much easier for me not to cheat now. Every time I want to eat something I am not supposed to, I just think....18 more days until Halloween, I can do it. (Jason and I spent an hour planning our Halloween dinner the other night, I CAN'T wait!) I am going to try not to go too overboard on these days, but I am going to make it fun. I am hoping by next May I will have lost enough weight that I can add a few more cheat days for the rest of the year....but we will see.

What I learned today....

2009-10-12T18:17:00.001-10:00

I want to be skinny, more than I want to eat potstickers!

Weekly Weigh-In

2009-10-11T21:51:00.001-10:00

199 lbs.

I LOST 7 lbs! I can hardly believe it!

I made Jason double check it, I got on and off the scale at least six times, and I even weighed the boys to make sure the scale was working right. I really lost 7 pounds! I am sure most of it was water weight, I was kinda bloated last week, but I think it still counts. I say week one of new diet...sorry life style change, was a total success. This was exactly what I needed to keep me focused this next week.

I am finding it easier to stay on the diet, even though I spend most of the day planning seven course meals that I wish I was cooking. I am not as hungry anymore...before I started this change I was hungry ALL the time, eating almost every three hours (and not healthy things or small portions). Now, I am eating about two normal size meals and two small snacks...and I am rarely hungry in between.

Our house was struck with a plague of fevers, runny noses, and coughs all week long...so my workout report is not as good. After being up with both boys most of the night I could hardly manage to get out of bed at the normal time, not to mention trying to get up a hour early to workout. I did manage to jog on the treadmill Tuesday night for 20 minutes, but that was it (I got the plague the next day). We are on the mend, and I think this next week I can fit in a couple workout days without totally exhausting myself.

I am proud of myself...am I allowed to say that. I have a long road ahead of me, but for the first time in a long time I KNOW I can do it.

4 days down, forever to go.

2009-10-08T19:06:00.000-10:00

I am doing surprisingly well on the new diet...I mean LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I am trying to stop calling it a diet, because I don't plan on ever stopping. Later on down the road, when I am FINALLY losing weight, I might/will have a treat now and then (cause how can you give up Mexican food forever). But for the most part, I really feel like I have turned over a new leaf.

It is not as hard as I thought it would be. I am not as hungry as I thought I would be either. Don't get me wrong, I would die for a Mt. Dew Slurpee or a piece of cheese or an Oreo (oh, I miss Oreos), but I am full and I know that these cravings are just my old BAD habits trying to get out and get a little love. Tonight I had a piece of grilled chicken and a small red potato...let me tell you that potato tasted like a TREAT! Most everything I am eating would taste loads better with a little salt and butter, or any sort of condiment....but so far NO cheating! I didn't think I would last this long. Jason and the boys have been eating what I make, or Jason makes his own dinner (like tonight they are having french fries, and I am ok with that and not even tempted).

I love this new focus I have, this determination to stay on target....I haven't felt this way in a long time. Now, if only I could get this same feeling in the WORKING OUT department...then I would be set.

Detox Diet Day 2

2009-10-06T12:47:00.000-10:00

Tuna Salad without mayo, really SUCKS!

Detox Day 1

2009-10-05T20:43:00.000-10:00

I stayed on the diet all day, and did not cheat (Ok, I lied. I cheated a very little...but I could've cheated worse-Jay went to Wendy's- and once I cheated, I got right back on track instead of ruining the rest of the day). I was hungry a lot, and it did take a lot of convincing not to snack or drink things not on the list. And eating broccoli with out salt, SUCKS! But overall, not a bad day.

I didn't get up early to work out, Clark was up all night sick, but I did jog on the treadmill tonight (and having my shows on the dvr to jog along to really helped me stay focused, and run for longer).

I have a feeling the next few days are really going to suck, as my body starts to have sugar withdrawls and I tire of eating veggies and chicken (with NO salt!). But I am staying strong.

Detox Diet

2009-10-04T20:02:00.001-10:00

First TWO Weeks

Meats: Chicken, Turkey, and Fish. Eggs are OK. No red meat or pork.

Vegetables: You can eat as many green vegetables as you want, but no peas or beans. Red potatoes and avocados are ok.

Do not use bottled salad dressing. Make your own with lemon, garlic, olive oil, tarragon, vinegar, and pepper.

Nuts: All nuts but no peanuts.

No salt. No dairy. No grains.

Drinks: Drink lots of water. You can add a lemon or lime to your water. V8 juice, carrot, celery or any other vegetable juice is fine. Almond milk and unsweetened tea are ok too. No soda of any kind.

Snacks: Carrots, sardines, or Quaker Rice Cakes (Unsalted or Butter Popcorn flavored only.)

Weeks 3 & 4

Add all fruits. Lots of grapefruits and berries. Tomatoes are ok.

No bananas, watermelon, or grapes.

Weeks 5 & 6

Add beans, peas, and peanuts.

Weeks 7 & 8

Add cereals, breads, and pasta. Add one whole grain each week; corn, brown rice, wheat, etc. This is the best way to pick up any hidden grain allergies.

General Principles

This plan is critical to adjust your metabolism. When the liver is full of sugar, it keeps your blood sugar at a level that maintains the addiction and metabolic problems. You will emerge with your sugar cravings gone.

DO NOT GO HUNGRY. Eat every hour if necessary. Do not count calories. If you are full you will stay away from foods to avoid.

DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF.

Drink fluids before every meal.

Eat breakfast as a king, lunch as a queen, and dinner as a pauper.

Plan ahead so you don’t get caught hungry around bad food.

Recruit family members. This detox is very hard without support.

Again, NO DAIRY, RED MEAT, GRAINS, OR SWEETS.

Let's do this thing!

2009-10-04T19:20:00.000-10:00

After weeks of cheating my little heart out, I am ready to start over. I feel extra focused this time, and even excited. I am tired of wallowing in my own self pity, and blubber. I am tired of always trying to think of more excuses not to do something, when the real reason is I am just LAZY. So here I go, AGAIN, tomorrow is the day.

Here is the plan;

Monday- Friday

6:30am Wake-up for stretching, workout, and healthy breakfast. I have recorded a lot of different workouts from the Fit-tv channel...a lot of variety. My Dad also taught me how to make a delicious and healthy veggie omelet. As a reward for getting up WAY too early, plenty of reading and quiet tv time before the boys wake up (hopefully).

Monday, Wednesday, Friday

Jogging on the treadmill for 20-60 minutes after Jason gets home. I have been saving up tons of tv shows on my dvr to keep me going. Running is the thing I want to work on the most, so I can run the 10k in February.

Saturday or Sunday

Hiking with the family, or long run by myself.

My diet for the next two to three weeks will be a detox diet (that my Dad recommend, and he has even tried it, with great success). It is not over the top crazy like some of the other detox diets I have tried (like my lemonade, maple syrup, all juice diet). Mostly it is a lot of lean meats, and fresh fruit and veggies. The goal is to rid your body of all the toxins and SUGARS that build up in your body, and make you crave more sugary and fatty food. (Totally something I need.) I am actually really looking forward to doing this, and my Dad, little sister and Mom are even starting with me! Strength in numbers right :)

The First 2 weeks (or 3 weeks, depending on how much I cheat):

Meats: Chicken, Turkey, and Fish. Eggs are OK. No red meat or pork.

Vegetables: You can eat as many green vegetables as you want, but no peas or beans. Red potatoes and avocados are ok. (Red potatoes!!! Sounds like a treat to me!)

Nuts: All nuts but no peanuts.

Do not use bottled salad dressing. Make your own with lemon, garlic, olive oil, tarragon, vinegar, and pepper.

No salt. No dairy. No grains. (OUCH! I love salt, especially when I am eating a lot of veggies, this will be one of the hardest parts for me.)

Drinks: Drink lots of water. You can add a lemon or lime to your water. V8 juice, carrot, celery or any other vegetable juice is fine. Almond milk and unsweetened tea are ok too. No soda of any kind. (Already 4 weeks soda and caffeine free, yay me!)

Snacks: Carrots, sardines, or Quaker Rice Cakes (Unsalted or Butter Popcorn flavored only.)

And there you go, not too hard. For a detox diet it still has a lot of options. It is only a couple weeks, and then I can add on other foods and fruits! The hardest part for me will be no salt, making my own salad dressings, and no cheese.

Also, starting today I am starting weekly weigh-ins again (I am never good at this part, I loathe the scale). Every Sunday I will weigh in, and report on the previous week's workouts.

I am really excited about this, and I hope I can find some of this enthusiasm tomorrow morning when my alarm goes off at 6:30am telling me it is time to START.

Off The Wagon

2009-09-30T20:58:00.001-10:00

I fell off the wagon...so far off. I have been cheating like crazy. I actually don't think you can call it cheating since I haven't been following any diet at all. I have been eating all sorts of junk, shaved ice (like 3 snow cones), pizza, hot dogs, french fries, candy candy candy, cookies, and cupcakes (way too many cupcakes). Overboard. In fact, the only goal I have managed to keep the past couple weeks is NO soda...none. (Yay me!) I am so proud of myself on that part, I wasn't even tempted a little.

Usually I am racked with guilt when I cheat, but this time not so much. I don't even want to eat healthy, I am tired of trying. Tired of thinking of healthily and filling meals to make. Tired of fighting with the boys and Jason to eat the food I want (and need) to eat.

I think part of me is just rebelling. I am planning on starting a detox diet in 3 days, and just knowing the start date is coming up is causing me to crave all sorts of tasty junk. I am getting more serious. I know the BIG change is coming, and even though it is a good change and I want it, my body is fighting it. 3 more days!!!

On a more positive note, I have been doing better on exercising. I am not doing all that I wanted or planned on...but I am doing something (which is more than nothing).

The Great Gym Debate

2009-09-15T13:28:00.000-10:00

So, I decided not to join the gym after all. We can use the money elsewhere (like my second dvr I made Jason get me, and my Netflix account). Mostly the things I want to work on, like my running, can be done without a gym pass. I will miss the opportunity to go to some of the classes that I wanted...but there is always time for that later.

I am thinking of getting some exercise videos to do in the morning, because it is too loud to use the treadmill when the boys are sleeping. I have no idea what I want to get. Something aerobic, and maybe with some strength weight training. I want to try that P90X workout, but I don't think I am tough enough ;) Maybe a yoga video. I want to get a couple different types, so I want switch of through out the week.

My plan is to get up Monday-Friday 6:30AM and do the videos, and then go running when Jason gets home Monday, Wednesday and Friday with a long run (to work on my stamina) on Sunday. Ambitious? Yes, maybe. Do-able? Yes, definitely.

Weigh In

2009-09-12T09:56:00.000-10:00

202.4 lbs.

I decided to weigh myself last night, so I gained a pound...no big deal. I am sure I would've gained more if I was still drinking soda. We have not been eating real healthy lately, so it could have been a lot worst. It is still down from my starting weight and that is all I care about.

TIME TO GET OFF MY BUTT!

Mind Set

2009-09-10T16:52:00.001-10:00

One week soda and caffeine free!!! The headaches aren't so bad anymore, and I have been fine drinking water and crystal light. I miss it, my life is so sad without diet coke. It was the one treat I always allowed myself...but I am sticking to it.

I am going to, once again, renew my efforts to get up in the morning before the kiddos. There is just no time, or energy to do it in the evening when Jason gets home. Even if the first couple days all I do it get up to read or eat breakfast, at least I will be getting up, then I can work on convincing myself to workout.

I am also planning on starting a detox diet. It seems pretty straight forward, and not too strict...lots of lean protein and veggies. I am putting off starting it until after my parents come to visit, and Harry's birthday...because I don't want any excuses to cheat. I have been following it loosely now, slowly preparing myself. But in a couple weeks I will be going hard core.

I have this mind set that I can do my work and diets, and then go back to all the food and junk the my heart loves so much. I know that is wrong. I know it is about a total life style makeover. Which I guess is why it is so hard to get started, and stay focused (especially when you are the only one in your life trying to do the changing). I wish I could get Jay to do things with me. He is like that naughty little red devil sitting on my shoulder, saying lets go get some food at Wendy's or how about steaks and homemade fries for dinner. He is always about food, and lots of it. He always SAYS that he supports me, but it is hard to get him to do the things I really need, like being excited for chicken salads for dinner and passing the ice cream isle (no matter how good the sale on Breyer's is). Mind over matter...I just need to remind myself what I really want, lots and lots of reminding.

I am also shopping around for my first race. I think there is the Great Aloha Run in February. It is a 10k, and I am pretty sure that if I don't procrastinate any longer I can be ready in time!!!

Go, fight, win!!!

Ya, never gonna happen.

2009-09-09T09:10:00.000-10:00

So, I am going to have to revise my getting up at 6:30 am plan. Its not gonna happen. I just loathe getting up that early, I can't do it. It is like pulling teeth...my head is screaming for more sleep, I can't even open my eyes all the way. All I do is walk around like a zombie half asleep, and wish I was back in bed. I need the sleep, for my sanity. Anyway, the treadmill is too loud and is wakes up the boys, and they need their sleep too! So, back to trying to go workout when Jason gets home from work...

5 Days

2009-09-07T09:59:00.000-10:00

It's been 5 days so far NO caffeine or soda! I even managed to survive and hold fast to my goals while eating out twice, and during a grocery store trip from hell (all three of the boys were whiny and complaining).

I have also been working on cutting down my portion sizes, eating smaller more frequent meals. I am not making the most healthiest choices right now (baby steps, remember) but I am doing surprising well. Slowly, but surely. It is just a small start, but 5 days is the longest I have been able to last (consecutively) since I started this whole transformation.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to be getting up when Jason leaves for work 6:30AM!!! I am NOT and have NEVER been a morning person. Ever. I just can't do it. I hated getting up early for school, and would only work afternoon swing shifts at my jobs to make sure I could sleep in. In fact, I have only ever held one job in my life that made me get up early, and only cause watching little B was more than worth it. I have trained my children to sleep until 8:30 or later, so that I don't have to get up too early with them...and for the most part they keep a good schedule. So, to say this will be difficult is a gross understatement! However, I am going to get up anyway, 6:30am, work out on our treadmill, read my scriptures, and make a healthy breakfast (one thing I never seem to have enough time to do once the boys are up). I know the first couple days (or weeks) are gonna be rough, until I adjust...and I hope I am not too grouchy of a Mom. I think accomplishing these things at the beginning of the day, instead of putting it off all day (and then not doing it at all) will set me up for greater success with ALL my goals. Wish me luck!

Baby Steps or Starting Over...again

2009-09-04T11:12:00.000-10:00

I overwhelm myself too easily. Way too easily. I am not happy with things being just okay, I want it to be awesome, perfect...the best I can do. Which does sound REALLY weird saying, because I am not a perfectionist at all (not even close), I just want to be able to do it all, and do it well.

Lately, I have been piling up everything on my plate, way too much...without even thinking about how I would be able to do any of it.

I have been working tirelessly trying to stay on top of the wretched sugar ants that have taken over my kitchen, and all the other household chores I have to do (freaking laundry in the bane of my existence). I have been trying to find time to motivate myself to work out, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I want to read, I want to sew, I want to watch re-runs of Criminal Minds ALL DAY LONG, and I really want a diet coke and slice of pizza, with extra pepperoni. I want, I want, I want.

So, in a effort to lessen the amount of THINGS on my plate, I am starting over. I am not going to count my calories and obsess over every type of food I eat, I am just going to try eat smaller portions. I am going to be OKAY with just working out for 15-20 minutes, as long as I do it everyday....okay every other day. I am giving up my caffeine and soda, yet again (but this time for GOOD, I am serious).

I am just going to start small. Do one thing at a time, and not worry about all the things I am not doing. I am going to take baby steps...baby steps to that spin class, baby steps to no more sugar (and pepperoni pizza), baby steps to running three miles, baby steps. And I am not going to beat my self up when I can't do it all in one week, or even one month. I think my new mantra needs to be something like...Rome wasn't built in a day, or all great things take time.

I can, and will do it. (I am still trying to convince myself.)

ps. This is day 2 of no soda for me, and day 3 of working out everyday.

PUSH

2009-09-01T13:42:00.000-10:00

I don't push myself, not nearly enough.

Last night I was working out on our treadmill, when I was tired I got off, stretched and finished watching my shows. Only later when I was putting away the treadmill (we fold it up out of the way) did I see how long I actually worked out for. 15 MINUTES!

That's it, only 15 minutes...that's nothing. It is pathetic. I did not even consciously think about, just got off when I wanted, when I was bored.

I need to start pushing my self more, not pamper myself so much. Stop eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I need to keep telling myself, that I is ok to be a little less full, and a little more sore and tired (from working out). I am entirely to easy on myself.

The rest of this week I am going to concentrate on PUSHING myself a little harder, not too much cause I am a BIG baby, but more than I am used to.

Whoo-hoo!

2009-08-27T10:19:00.000-10:00

I LOST 3 POUNDS!

After all my hard work and perseverance I finally was able to lose a few pounds!

Okay, so maybe it was not so much hard work, but more like the stomach flu I got last week, but still yay!

I know, I know...it is only 3 pounds but it is better than nothing. I just got to keep going, and hopefully not gain it all back.

Going through the motions...or complaining how unfair my life is.

2009-08-19T10:56:00.001-10:00

Jason has a fitness test coming up that he has to pass, so the time set aside in the evening when I normally workout, has now been taken over by Jason. (Not fair!) I give up drinking soda completely, and I am hating every minute of it...with no results. Jason switches to diet soda and still drinks like a fish and losses weight?!? (Not fair!) While I can barley run for 15 minutes without getting out of breath, Jason all the sudden decides he wants to be a runner and jumps on the treadmill running 4 miles like it's no big deal. (Not fair!) I am starving trying to eat my pathetic little chicken salad, while Jason is stuffing his hole with a tasty sausage hot dog and french fries...NOT FAIR!! I swear if I hear another person ask Jason if he's lost weight, or tell him how good he looks...I will freak out! (So, not fair!) He is such a pain in my side right now, always saying how much he supports me and wants to help out...Yet, getting junk for dinner, filing our freezer with ice cream I have to convince my self not to eat, and fighting me on every change I want to make. Arg!

I am just not doing very well on my goals, any goals.

It seems all I can manage to do, is what I need to do...take care of the boys, clean up after the boys, laundry (ALWAYS so much laundry), making sure the house is in order, you know the basics. I can never find the energy or time to do the extra things I want to do. When I do find few minutes to do something extra, the entire house and family falls down around me. It is so frustrating. I just don't know how to do it.

Motivation

2009-08-12T18:38:00.000-10:00

I am thinking of joining a gym.

I need more structure and accountability (which keeping this blog was supposed to give me, but I need a little more help). It is so hard to jog on the treadmill at home, the boys are always destroying something or Jay needs me to make dinner, tons of reasons (or excuses I guess).

I like the thought of going to different classes every evening (spin classes, yoga, Pilate's, kick boxing...so many options), and getting OUT of the house would be a HUGE plus, and maybe even getting a professional trainer to give me real tips.

$30 a month isn't that bad, and I think it will be really good for me. A head start.

Let's all cross our fingers that I can convince Jay...

*UPDATE* Jay said YES! Woo-hoo!

My favorite...

2009-08-08T18:51:00.000-10:00

My absolute favorite song to run to right now, and I can make it through the song twice (without stopping)!

Wake Up by Arcade Fire...just a little bit of heaven to my ears.

I really need to lose some weight...

2009-08-04T17:26:00.000-10:00

she says, as she eats Oreo cookies and sips a nice frosty one (diet Coke that is).

I am missing that thing, that key ingredient most people have and use to accomplish their goals...I think it is called stick-to-itiveness.

Needless to say, I am having a hard time staying on track for longer than a day or two at the most. Yesterday was great, I even ralked (oh, that is my word for running and walking) on the treadmill. But today has been a total disaster. I don't know what keeps me from making the wise food choices I should be making. No impulse control, maybe some emotional eating (I eat when I am bored or happy...it is a REALLY good thing I don't like to eat when I am mad or frustrated, a really good thing) or Jason always buying junk food even when I beg him not too. Who knows...but I really need to lose some weight.

Before...

2009-07-31T21:18:00.001-10:00

My before pictures.

July 19, 2009

204 lbs. (Yikes!)

I wanted a side view picture too.

I finally weighed myself today, after putting it off for almost two weeks. Two weeks of cheating and convincing myself not to work out. I am finally back on track! (Not even a little tempted to eat that delicious chocolate cake in the fridge, ok ok a little tempted to have it for breakfast tomorrow, but I am going to hold fast.) Jay and I cleaned out our bedroom and made room for our treadmill, which has been living in the boys' closet for the past 1 1/2 years, so now I have NO excuse not to work out every single day.

Back to the weigh in, my grand total is...204 pounds, the absolute heaviest I have ever been. Even when I was pregnant with both my babies, I never got above 200. I thought it would be harder for me...to see those numbers on the scale, I never wanted to be above 200, EVER, it was like one of those milestones I hoped I would NEVER reach. But for some reason I am fine with it. I got myself here, ALL by myself...and I know I am on the right track to get it off...slowly but surely.

I am hoping by next year, on my birthday to be down 50 lbs. I know that is a huge amount to try for, and not even my goal weight...but if I am going to do it, I want to do it right.

Square One

2009-07-22T16:50:00.000-10:00

I feel like I am all the way back at square one again. I had a great week last week...not very much working out, but otherwise keeping on track. Then came the weekend, and my birthday, and now I am officially off the wagon (and enjoying a lovely plate of french fries and chicken nuggets while I am at it). Why when I cheat, or over indulge do I take so long to get back to the plan? I know life it gonna be full of slip-ups and starting over....but does it really need to be this daunting for me. Geez, it was just a day...ok mostly the whole weekend, but I really didn't go overboard as much as I could have.

I am still not doing well with the working out. Nothing! Combine my hatred for anything not involving sitting on the couch, or at the beach, and my lack of free time...I have plenty of two kids hanging all over me time, or chores up my butt time, I just have NO free time. Does vacuuming twice a day count as exercise...cause most days that is what I have to do, and I do work up a sweat.

So, once again back to square one. And hoping to stay on the wagon for more than a week this time.

Stay tuned for my before pictures and weight...oh yea, I am gonna get on a scale, let's all pray it doesn't break.

Left over birthday cake....

2009-07-21T10:18:00.001-10:00

Need I say more???

It is gonna be a long day.

Breakfast of Champions

2009-07-19T11:45:00.000-10:00

I am not a big breakfast eater, in fact I don't even like breakfast foods....unless it is a giant sticky bun loaded with nuts, or a chilly can of diet coke (and my last goal says I can't have that anymore) I am just not interested. I know how important eating a good meal at the start of the day is, it jumps starts your metabolism, and sets you up for success or failure for the rest of the day. So I have been searching for something healthy that I could eat every morning. I tried yogurt, but I really just hate it. I don't like the texture or the smell and I would gag every time I would try to eat it, and besides it wasn't filling enough to get me through the morning. I tried healthy cereals, but unless they are coated in sugar I just have no interest. I was going crazy and hungry...

Then I found these little whole wheat tortillas at the store, high in fiber, low in carbs and only 50 calories. Delicious! So, for the past few mornings I have been making me this very tasty and healthy breakfast burrito. It goes like this;

1 scrambled egg with pepper and salt

1 small handful of black beans

1 even smaller handful of left over veggies (onions, peppers, tomatoes...anything left over from the night before)

1 sprinkle of fat free cheddar cheese

1 tbsp of salsa

All piled on top my little whole wheat tortilla, yum-o!

You know what they say about having a healthy well rounded breakfast...that it will keep you full longer through out the morning, that it will help you reduce you snacking through out the day, and give you more energy...well guess what, IT'S TRUE. I have been converted, this breakfast skipper is now a full blown breakfast eater. Now, I just have to get off my bum and work out!

Day 1

2009-07-16T12:28:00.000-10:00

No caffeine or soda.

I have done this before, many times, and last time I even made it like 6 months...but Jason loves to buy soda and always gets me hooked again. It is going to be a particularly hard weekend to start, with birthday my festivities coming up. But today is always a better day to start than tomorrow.

Reading and waiting.

2009-07-13T16:19:00.001-10:00

I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot. Weight loss sites and blogs, food recipes and blogs, running blogs...on and on. And I have come to the conclusion that I need to pick a diet plan. And more importantly I need to keep a daily food journal. I need something with rules and structure, and results. I should probably buy a scale and weigh myself too...maybe that would get my butt in gear.

I am not really doing good on my little goals right now, not good at all.

I feel hungry all the time. I fill myself up on salad, and veggies, getting all the food groups in...and within the next hour I am already thinking of what I can eat next. I made a delicious batch of oatmeal cookies the other day, and even though I eat only one at a time, I eat them 20 times a day (I have grounded myself from making any cookies for a while). So, I figure keeping a food journal will shame me into eating better. I can't find a minute to get out of the house, or prepare a healthy meal. I recorded like 5 hours of different exercise shows, but Clark screams anytime I turn something on that was not made by Pixar. I even got up this morning at 5:00 am to go workout, only to find out Jay had to go in early and was leaving in 10 minutes (why he didn't tell me the night before, or while I was getting dress I will never know).

It seems like everything is against me, road block after road block. It makes me so angry that I can't just say...this is what I want to do, and then do it. I always have to wait...wait for the kids to go to bed (and they never do), wait for Jason to come home, wait until we have some extra money (and we NEVER do), wait until we move...always waiting. Waiting for something to happen, that will change things. Even though I know I am the only one who can change things.

I need something to kick start me into gear. Something to push me over the edge. Cause even though I want these things, and changes....and just can't commit and start doing them.

It's all in the name.

2009-07-11T23:05:00.000-10:00

So, I changed my name...of the blog.

I liked 'Fat People Suck' at first cause I thought it was edgy and funny. But then I realized that I'm not edgy (not even a little) and it was maybe a little funny but mostly mean. I don't discriminate yo, I love all sorts of people...and I am just not a hater. I like my new name, it better describes what this blog is all about....my chubby life.

Stay tuned for My Super Hot Model Life ;)

April Downer

2009-07-10T17:54:00.000-10:00

Okay, okay. It has come to my attention that I have been being quiet the downer. I don't mean to come across as so depressed and tragic. I have just been trying to be more honest with myself. I have always kept that side of myself private. I don't like to be a burden to people, or sit and complain and complain...that is not me. But I have learned that if I keep going on like everything is good and happy, then my life is never going to make the positive changes that I want.

Over the past few years my life has gone through some major changes, moving too far from home, becoming a mother of two, going from a two income household to a very small one income house hold, and a husband that expends any reserve a patience I might have (seriously, if you want to find the root of most of my problems and stress it is Jason...and yet despite it all, I love him). I welcomed all these changes, and I love them...but I did not deal with them well. It was a little too much for me. And I kept it all inside, trying to be the hippy happy April that I always was. That is not working anymore. I want to make some changes in my life, good changes, and it is gonna be a little rough and salty at first. But just wait! In a year when I am skinny and beautiful and more famous than Stephanie Meyer, you will be happy you made this journey with me. All the ups and downs will be worth it, and you will know me all the better because of it.

So, to review. I am ok, I am not going to kill myself. I love my chubby life, despite all the ups and downs...I have been truly blessed. But I am not who I want to be right now, I have so much more potential and I am gonna find it.

Love ya all.

It's just too hard.

2009-07-10T11:22:00.000-10:00

Come on!!!! Why can't I do this? I can't even go a day keeping my goals. I am just too tired and unmotivated. I keep silently screaming to myself to do something, anything...but yet here I sit making excuse after excuse, trying to remind myself how much I want this. I am willing to work for it, but why can't I just start.

I am going to make a (yet another) doctors appointment next week. Hopefully someone will hear what I am saying and give me some relief. I know that half of my problems with my health and my fatness...come from my depression and anxiety. Yet, even knowing that does nothing to change it. It is the worst feeling ever. It is like old April is back there in my head, being my same old self, trying to get on with things...but a mean, sadder, and moodier April has taken over. And she doesn't let me do anything I want, she makes me say the most horrible things, and every time I start to make any progress what so ever she pushes me down and kicks me a lot. She is such a bitch.

Maybe my first goal needs to be geared more towards mental health. Find a doctor who will help me, and even someone to talk to. Find out why I eat so much, and why I am so sad and angry all the time. Because I don't think I am going to make any progress when I am stuck in the rut. I am so scared. I never have any luck with doctors, never. But I am really not going to give up this time.

Where to start?

2009-07-09T13:51:00.000-10:00

I feel like I am standing at the bottom of an incredibly tall and rocky mountain. It is a little cloudy and dark so I can't even see the top, but I know it is high and steep. It's one of those mountains that takes your breath away with just thought of having to climb it. I can see a couple trails, but they look too daunting, long and curvy, steep and just impossible. I don't know where to start, where to put that first step. I know it is NOT going to be a short journey, it is gonna take me forever and I know I am going to have to start over a million times (just like I already did this morning, when I had Pepsi and Cheetos for breakfast). But where do I start?

I need to start small, little goals. Something not too impossible for me to keep. Day by day seems too tedious...and besides I don't have enough time to log on everyday and chart my progress (and not even I want to read about everything I ate for the day-blah). A friend once told me that losing weight is 80% what you eat and only 20% exercise. Which is kinda good news, cause I loathe to exercise...but I am really gonna need to work on what and HOW MUCH I eat.

So, I think my first two goals will be:

First, to limit the amount of food I eat. Smaller meals, six times a day (unlike my smaller meals 10-12 times a day that I manage to eat now). I am not going to worry too much about what I do eat (for now) but will try to keep it all fresh and the least amount of sugar as possible. My biggest problem when it comes to food is I like to eat too much. I love to cook these huge meals, huge, and I pile my plate. Nothing makes me happier and content than a warm full stomach. I need to find someway to be content with less, smaller portions. So for the next couple weeks, I will work on having smaller portions. I will also do some research on calorie counting. I know how to count calories if I get my food from the box, but not really if I make my food from scratch (which I like to do). I will also figure out how many calories I am going to eat a day. I am not sure if I am gonna try a certain diet or what. I have never really had any luck with diets...but certain things will have to go.

Second, walking. I hate to exercise, I HATE it. I never feel better when I do, I only feel tired and hot and sweaty. I can think of a million other things I would rather be doing. But nothing is ever going to be accomplished (least of all my dream to run a marathon) if I don't get off my butt sooner or later. I am gonna start with 3-5 miles, 4 days a week, and only walking for now (later I will add running...I actually have a routine worked out -for the marathon- but it is gonna take a while to get there). One of the hard things in my house is WHEN can I even find the time to exercise. Jason gets home so late, right when it is time to start cooking dinner an winding down for the night. I would love to be able to go out during the day, but we live in a dangerous traffic neighborhood, with no sidewalks, and I can't imagine a worse place to try walking with a double stroller. So evenings it must be, and I am going to start today.

Well, those are my little goals, my baby steps. Just for the next couple weeks, until (hopefully) they become habits. Habits I can slowly build upon, until I reach the top of this impossible mountain.

Write it down, make it happen.

2009-07-08T13:45:00.000-10:00

In the hopes of making my dreams and goals reality, I am writing them down, and committing to them. There is so much I would love to do, some as easy as getting up off the couch and just doing , and others requiring years of saving and preparation. So without further ado my bucket list;

Travel Europe...Scotland, Germany, Italy, England.

Sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir...like join it, you know.

Learn to knit, and make my family matching hats and scarves.

Run a marathon. I would like my first one to be the Honolulu Marathon, but I am not that picky. I just want to be a runner.

Write a book.

Make quilts, I want to be a quilter.

Swim with the sharks.

Own a home...our own home.

Learn to speak another language...Spanish, French, I am not to sure yet?

Write a book that doesn't suck.

Go sky diving.

Get a Masters Degree in anything.

Go to Africa.

Be debt free, and financially secure

Have a big family...maybe 4 or 5 kids. Ahh, did I just say that out loud!?

Be a guest judge on the Iron Chef America.

Road Trip across America.

Well, that is a start. I got a lot of planning and working to do. I am so over new year's resolutions...they never work out for me. I think from now on I am just going to have my own birthday resolutions, keep track of my year to year progress. My birthday is coming up, and as I think about turning 29 this year... I also start thinking of all I want to do before I turn 30. I feel as if I haven't accomplished much with my 29 years, aside from my gorgeous family. And I really want to do and be so much more. Now, what first on my list, hmmmm.

My First Fatty Blog

2009-07-08T10:26:00.000-10:00

I am fat. I am unhealthy and uncomfortable in my own body. I hate it every morning when I get up, and everynight as I fall asleep. My clothes are tight, I tire easily and my body aches. I need to do something...anything.

So, since I like to blog (and I am working on my writing) I wanted to start my OWN blog. Only about ME...not my kids, not my family...just me. My journey through my fat world to and healthier and skinnier world. I need a little accountability to keep me focused and on track. No more lounging about dreaming of that size 6, and running that marathon...I am actually gonna do it. Small goals at first, do-able goals.

I need a plan of action...and I haven't really thought it all out yet. This is a work in progress. So that is my first goal, make a plan. Eating plan, excersing plan...

I am really gonna do it this time. Work on ME! Fix me! Get healthy, happy, skinny and free.