Just like an alcoholic.

So, it took ALL week, and I am still feeling the PAIN, but I am OFF caffeine!  

AGAIN.  

And this time, just like an alcoholic, I am not going back, not even for one sip.  It is too hard getting off, the headaches, and irritability, and sadness... I am so sad without my daily Diet Mt. Dew.  I know it is a step in the right direction, and hopefully I am going to start feeling the positive effects of not "drinking" any more.  

That was this week.

Next week, I am going to re-start the detox diet I tried late last year (the one I got from my Dad).  I am not looking forward to the massive amount of veggies, with NO salt.  But I did have success last time, so I am just going to keep reminding myself of that.

Jason also bought me this double jogging stroller!!  I am going to walk to Clark's school (1.5 miles away, so 3 miles round-trip) to pick him up everyday...and maybe some days, when I am feeling ambitious I am going to take him to school too.

I also got this workout video, it looks hardcore!  I am excited to try it.  I am going to start with just a  couple days a week, and then work up to everyday.

That is the plan.  I am good at making plans, too good.

Not so good at keeping said plans...

I know I have said this SO MANY TIMES, but I am just sick and tired of the WIEGHT.  It is weighing me down, and making me depressed. 

I just have to keep reminding myself, one step at a time...

and DON'T GIVE UP.

Uninspired...and then maybe a little inspired.

I have been so UNINSPIRED lately.  I don't feel like doing anything.  Everything is a chore, everything.  I don't want to read.  I don't want to blog.  I don't want to take pictures.  Last, but not least...I don't want to work out.  Unfortunately, I do want to eat...and sleep.
I take Zoloft for my depression.  I HATE taking it, but it does help, a lot.  I have recently ran out of my last prescription, and I know my body is just adjusting.  I have decided to not take anything for awhile.  I want to fight this the old fashion way... working out, being active and productive and eating better (Tom Cruise would be so proud).  I am going to start working out twice a day.  It might involve walking Clark to and from school, my workout video, or just hoofin' it on the treadmill...but I will be doing it twice a day.

Over the weekend I watched this new show, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.  I am all about eating fresh, home cooked meals.  I nag Jason almost constantly about how much processed food, and take out we eat and feed the boys, and how much I HATE it. I only managed to get Jason to watch half of the show with me...BUT I did convince him to let me redo our dinner menus and limit our eating out to twice a month.  Also, no more soda in the house, no more chicken nuggets and ramen for the boys, or cookies, hotdogs or mac and cheese.  I am going to cook all our meals from scratch.  They are not going to be happy, especially Clark, who likes to have Ramen for breakfast...but it is SO important that we do this as a family.

So, here I am hopelessly uninspired.  Trying little by little to get inspired. I need to do something.  Anything.  I am getting plumpier and chubbier.  Seriously, I went to the doctor over the weekend and I weigh...212 lbs!  I want to be healthy again and fit.  I want to run and have energy.  I want to change myself, better myself and maybe, just maybe inspire someone else.

The one where I tell you I am going to start over on my diet (really this time), but only after Clark's birthday cake is all gone.

Ugh. Meh. Blah. Gah. Bitch. Moan.

I need to get my butt back in gear. I have gained more wieght. 208lbs!

Yikes.

It makes me so sad... but I guess not sad enough to actually do anything about it. I hate being fat, I hate it. I am so embarrassed all the time, and I don't ever feel like MYSELF.

I am really wanting to start over this coming week. I am so tired of telling myself I am going to, and then not. So, this Monday I am going to do it. I know I will feel so much better, whether I have success or not, as long as I am trying.

I also want to plan to run a 5k this summer. I am not sure which one yet, cause we will be in the process of moving. But I am going to find one tomorrow (so stayed tuned).

My new workout/running routine will be:

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1/2 mile-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 mile-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 2 miles-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2, then run for 2 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

As so on until I get up to 5 miles. After that I will re-evaluate my training, and maybe find a longer race... half marathon??!!

Ok, here I go...AGAIN.

I am so tired of starting over, and quitting.

Night time snacking.

Well, I have good news and bad news....

The good news is, I am OFF of soda again. 5 days so far, with nothing but water or Crystal Light. And this time I am really going to try to stay off, really.

The bad news is, I am not doing very well sticking to my diet. I can do it all day, ALL DAY. No cheating. But as soon as dinner is over, I am ravenous. I want to eat anything and everything. From 6pm until I go to bed is the worst for me. I try having extra glasses of water, herbal tea, snacking on some baby carrots or nuts, but none of it is satisfying enough to curb that gnawing feeling in my stomach. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, or how to fix it. I am eating plenty of protein and veggies through out the day, but as soon as the night hits...yikes. Any suggestions?

This next week I am going to try to step up my workouts. At least 4 days this week.

I have been pretty off and on with this diet and exercise thing lately, I really want to get back in the groove.

Bah!

Today Jason informed me that he didn't buy our tickets for the Great Aloha Run, nor was he planning to (because surprise surprise, he messed up our monthly budget again). BAH!

After first I was relieved, then upset, back to relived, and now just confused.

I am relieved, because I was probably going to end up walking most of it, which would have taken ALL DAY. I am not doing any better with my running. I can run up to 1/2 a mile, but then I just can't make myself go anymore. (I usually add about another mile or two of walking.) I am upset because this is our last few months in Hawaii, most likely we are never gonna live here again, or even visit for a very long time. I wanted my first race (hopefully first of many) to be in Hawaii. While I am going back and forth, trying to decide on what stance to take... I realize I am just confused... I don't really know what I want. How did I except to run it anyway, when I never keep my goals??? As much as I try/want to make myself BE, I am just not that running athletic girl.

For the past several weeks, I have been telling myself everyday I am going to do this, or that...and yet I never do. It ranges to everything from, cleaning my house and getting caught up on laundry, to taking the kids to the park, to re-starting my diet, to finishing the hundreds of projects I have started...BAH!

I feel like I need some kind of re-boot, or even jump start. A week ALL BY MYSELF, to get caught up, and then start fresh. A good nights sleep, with out having nightmares of little Haitian orphans. A day where I can manage not to drink five too many diet Mt. Dews. A week to have my house clean, go to church, FINISH a book, and slowly try to brainwash my self... (no April, you do not like junk food, April spinach is your best friend, April you can survive on 1000 calories a day, and NO soda, April exercise is for WINNERS and naps are for LOSERS).

So, here I go again. Someday THIS WEEK, I am going to restart my diet and exercise. And I say someday, so that I can't beat myself up when I don't start til Saturday. Bah, why is it so hard...

Starting Over

I am starting over...for reals this time. Seriously.

I am starting the Detox diet tomorrow. Daily work outs. Only one can of soda a day. At least 48-64 ounces of water a day (with my low calorie, sugar free mix-ins). No sugar, or salt. Treats= sugar free gum, my daily soda, or 1 serving of fruit a day. Daily multi-vitamin and plenty of outside time.

Here I go. For real. I am tired of being a fatty. I would like to lose 5 lbs. a month. I would like to work on my running, marathon (or really slow 5k) here I come.

Its not just about the FAT.

This new year I am recommitting myself to my weight loss and health goals.

I am all in, 100%!!

No cheat days this time, no excuses for not working out. I am going to quit being a baby, and I am just going to DO IT!

But, I don't want it all to be about fat. I want to find out more about myself, who I am, and work on my other goals, better everything about my life. I intended this blog to be all about finding me (hopefully a skinnier version of me), not just excising and dieting. I am not sure, right now, how I am going to incorporate the other things...but I am going to.

Here's to (I am toasting you with a nice cool glass of Diet Mt.Dew...my last one this year) a great New Year! I am really really praying that I can do it this time.

Its all in the look.

The other day I had a doctors appointment.  The nurse was taking my vitals and what not, and she asked me, "How much do you weigh?".  To which I replied, "200".  (Which is a little lie, I weight 197...but it is 3 pounds, who is really counting, oh yeah I am.)  Then with her eyes squinted she looked me up and down, and up and down again, and gave me a look that obviously meant... I don't believe you. Gah!

Now, I would like to think that she didn't believe me because I look so trim and fit (ha bloody ha), but I am sure she thought I was fatter, and was lying to save face.  

It was just one look, and yet to me it meant a thousand things.  

It reminded me of all the times when I was younger and thinner, when people would look at me...  I never thought what about they were thinking, it never even crossed my mind.  Maybe I might feel a little flattered, because I knew I looked cute that day, or got an awesome outfit.  (There are no cute outfits for us plumpy girls.)  But now, I am so insecure.  Why are you looking at me?  What are you thinking... Look at the plumpy girl, well at least she has a nice smile,  or I would never let myself get that fat, or why is she eating french fries when she should be eating a salad...

I hate that my weight has caused me to be so insecure, and not the outgoing person that I am.  I hate that I never really feel like myself, even with the dieting I feel like I am being someone else.  Not eating food I normally love, or trying new recipes.  Trying to be this fake healthy girl, who really just wants some fried chicken and Mexican food.  Trying to be this runner, when still after all these months I can't find any enjoyment in it, I have to force myself.  I am not a runner girl or an athletic girl.  I am a plumpy girl (who wishes she was skinny) who likes to curl up on the couch a read all day with snacks, or watch a great tv show with snacks.

I wish I could find a way to be myself, and still lose weight.  Snack and read and be lazy, yet still be a runner. And  a real runner, not the pathetic jogging that I do for ten minutes before I stop (cause I feel like I am gonna die).  I wish I could get secure in my body and not worry about every little look people give me. 

It is such a long road, I know.  I am not giving up, NOT at all.  I am just searching for a happy medium.  Some way to get what I want, without totally changing who I am.

GO! FIGHT! WIN!