I think he likes me more....

I think Jason likes me more when I don't diet.  

He is all to willing to by the junk food and fast food.  In fact, he is always buying me things I love to eat (soda, beef jerky, chips, chocolate) in a way to be sweet and nice.  

I hate it.  

I tell him I hate it, but he has a hard time hearing.  I don't know how to explain to him, that yes I love to eat good food (and not so good food), and I know you are just trying to me make me happy, but I would love it more if you supported me on not eating crap food and that would make me twice as happy.

I know I am not going to be able to do this diet thing if I don't have him on my side 100%.

Ugh, just one more thing to add to the list... magically change husband to be supportive and helpful, ha.

Mr. Blog, you are not helping. And, Oy the Stress.

This blog was supposed to be my helper to get healthy, and its not really helping anymore.  I just ignore it until I feel guilty, then I pay a little attention to it, then back to ignoring it. 

 The stress of the move is getting to me.  Getting to me bad.  I have no time to do anything.  Everyday I have a million things to do, and I feel like I have no time to do them.  

For the first time in years, I actually feel the need and want to work out.  Get all that stress and nervous energy out of my body.  And now I have no time to do it, unless I get up at 5 am, and well that is just not going to happen, not in a million years.  Especially when I only get like 6-7 hours of sleep a night.  

(Maybe I need to start making it happen.  Maybe, just maybe.  We will see tomorrow.)

I feel so unhealthy.  I am really trying to eat smaller portions, and healthier things.  But in reality I know I am not doing good enough, and that make me more stressed, and a little sad.

Blah. That is how I feel.  Just blah.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, even when I was pregnant with my kids.

I am embarrassed to go home, for people to look me, and judge me.

Also...

My kids are driving me crazy. CRAZY.  I don't know how I am going to survive this move with them.  I swear at least 60% of my stress is from them.  Harry, and all his new issues.  Clark and he endless amounts of energy, that causes so many messes and problems.  It is exhausting.

I need this move to hurry and be over. 

I want to be settled into my new house, in our new area.

I want to get my life back, and my health back.

ps.  I am back on soda.  It has been the only way I have gotten through the stress of the last couple weeks.  But in exchange for drinking my diet soda, once a day, I gave up cookies, potato chips, most forms of candy. 

Does it get easier?

I have been doing much better with my workouts! I am taking a MUCH NEEDED break from obsessing over what and how much I eat, and trying to concentrate on just the exercise, for now.  So for the past two weeks I have worked in a few walk/jogging sessions (3-4 miles).  Sometimes I take the kids in the stroller, which adds 75 pounds that I am pushing along, great workout.

BUT, I am wondering, when does it start to get easier??  I still don't like to do it.  In fact I hate it.  But I thought that the more I did,  the easier it would get, so I could go faster or longer.  

I am still dreaming of someday running a marathon, someday.  But just for now I would settle for running a mile without feeling like I am going to die.

All the things I can't have.

All this week I have been pumping myself up everyday to start a new diet.  And no matter how much I say I am going to, and how much I WANT to... I just have the hardest time.  I want to do the diet, I have started the beginning phases...but I just can't commit myself all the way.  All I keep thinking about is all the things I can not have anymore.  No more soda (for 6 weeks now, you would think I would be proud of myself...but I am just sad), no more chocolate, no treats, no pasta, no shave ice....nothing interesting.  I KNOW that all the indulging I have done in the past has gotten me to this point, and I REALLY do want to change.  I want to change with all of my heart, somedays it is all I can think about.  I make all these grand plans, diets to try, exercise programs to do...and still I never commit.  I get so angry that I have to make my family dinner, or watch them eat something I enjoy, while I choke down dry chicken and spinach.  I hate when we are on a drive and we stop at 7-11, and the most exciting thing I can get is a bruised apple or banana.  It is so unfair.  I miss drinking soda, or having a little dessert after dinner.  I want to have the will power to make the right choices, to get the body and health that I REALLY want.  BUT I also don't want to feel like I am missing out on everything, and giving up everything I enjoy.  It is such a back and forth battle.  I am wishing I can find something, or someone to give me that push I need, support to just stay on track, and stay focused for the end game.

Clean up on aisle 4!

Over the weekend I HAD to go clothes shopping. 

Now, I am not a shooper.  I will spend hours in a book store, or at a swap meet.  I can shop for shoes, jewelry, and even kid clothes.  But I HATE shopping for clothes!  It has never been easy or fun for me.  Even when I was younger, when I wasn't so plumpy, I was still bigger than girls my age.  I was beyond curvy and I could never find things that were appropriate to wear.  So, I would just find something that wasn't hideous and I felt comfortable in, and I would wear that over and over until it was barely holding together, then go try to find somethings else.

The last time I did some major shopping was when I was pregnant with Harry.  I got a few outfits and wore them through out my entire pregnancy, and well I just kept on wearing them, thats how much I hate shopping (oh, and also how poor we are).  My shorts were fraying everywhere and well...they didn't even fit me anymore, and not in the good way.  They were too tight.  I don't think there is any worse feeling, knowing that you are so fat that the clothes you wore when you were 9 months pregnant don't fit anymore. 

Worse. Feeling. Ever.

So, I HAD to go shopping.
I moved up a size in my shorts and shirts... 

XXL and size 20!  

OMG, I can't believe I just put that out there, for everyone to see, size 20...you know that is in the plus size section.
I am in the PLUS SIZE section.  

HEART. BROKEN. 

 I knew my old size didn't fit me, but that didn't keep me from trying it when I got to the store, and sobbing hysterically when they didn't magically fit me.

Hopefully, this will be the wake up call I need, to stop draggin' my feet and get to work.  As much as it feels nice to wear clothes that fit, and I don't look like a rag-a-muffin any more... I just wish that I could be writing about going a size or two down.
This is going to be the summer of slimmin' down!  No more making crazy plans and half-way keeping them.  No more being lazy.  I want to do it, for reals this time!
For. Real.
It is not going to be easy, especially since we moving this summer.  A big move, and a big road trip.  But I am determined.

So, I am mad.

I am mad, tired, frustrated, stuck.  I feel like I have no control.  

I have two kids, two adorable little boys, who only like to eat junk food.  And I am not exaggerarting, I can count the times I have seen them eat a fruit or veggetable.  I have been slowly weeding out all the bad food that they love, and forcing them to make better choices (Jason too).  We got the hot dogs out of the house that Clark used to eat for breakfst lunch and dinner, and NO more Ramen!!!  I let them have fries, but only when we eat out.  So right now they are living on chicken nuggets, crackers, noodles and pretzels (I am slowly working on adding whole wheat noodels to the noodle pot).  

Anyway, it is a work in progress, and I know Jason and I haven't been the best example, but we are trying.  

Lat night I made a healthly dinner, super healthy.  Baked chicken and potatoes, with broccoli, califlower and carrots, all seasonsed with garlic and pepper, one of my favorite meals.  I knew the boys would be hungry, they had no afternoon snacks, and Jason took them to play at the park, so they should've been starving.  I figured, hoped, prayed that if they just tried a bite they would reason that even thought it looks funny, it taste really good.  We sat down to dinner (I love eating at the table as a family, the nights I can convince them to join me) and no one ate anything.  Nothing.  I was so confused, until I got it out of Jason that he took them to McDonalds after the park, and they all had a mini dnner before they came home for the food I worked for the last hour to cook. 

  I was sad.

Sad because it is unfair on a parentling level.  

Jason always gets to be the fun dad and I have to be the mean mom.  

Sad because I finally realized what I was up against...  

I have NO support in my house when I try to make POSITIVE changes.  NONE. I have to do everything by myself.  Jason can go on and on about how much he supports me or wants things to change. But I have to figure out how to do it all by myself, with him and two tiny munchkins fighting me the whole way.

I feel it the mostly with the deit and food stuff in our house, but it is apparent everywhere else as well. Disciplining our kids, trying to get them on better scheldules, budgeting, keeping up the house and yard work.  I am responsible for everything. Yet, at the same time, Jason likes to play the boss.  So I feel no control over what needs to be accomplished, yet all the responsibly to do it.  It is maddening. And it is a fight I can't win.  One we have been having for years.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I try to tell him how I feel, we talk, I yell, I cry, we try to talk again.  I keep trying and there is no win.  He doesn't see that his ideas, plans and strategies to improve are life are not working.  We are not going forward. 

I just want to wake up in the morning and feel like I have some control over my day. That I can decide what we are going to have for dinner, and everyone will be happy I made it and eat it.  That I can go for a walk/jog without worrying that the house is going to be ripped to shreds, with the boys being negelcted while I am gone.  I want to feel like the effort I put into things is working and worth something.  I want some support in my dieting choices.  Is it so hard to just NOT buy icecream and junk every time you go to the store?!

I love my family. I want us to move forward, as a team.  I want some support and control, with my decisions and life.  I want to feel better about my life, instead of wanting to sleep through the day.  I have been so incredibly blessed in my life, I am beyond thankful for everything I have and hold dear.  But is it too much to ask that we NOT be complacent with our life, but strive to be better than we already are. 

Bah-humbug.  Looks like it is time for another LONG walk. 

 I just hope I can get some time to myself today.

I would walk a 500 miles...

NOT!

I would not not not!

I went on a 3 mile walk today, hardly anything if you ask me.

And I hated it, every step of it.

The whole time I was trying to convince myself I was doing good, and working out like I was supposed to.  BUT all I wanted was to go home and watch tv, or clean my house (yea, clean my house, go figure). Everyday I try to brainwash myself that I love to workout, that I am good at it, and that someday I will wake up and my body will be like "yo April, I feel like a run".

Fat chance.

You know how 'they' say that it only takes a few weeks of regular workouts for you body to adjust, and it will be easier.

Well, I think that is a myth.  A BIG FAT lie, that skinny people tell us fat people to fool us into working out.

It never gets easier, it never gets fun.  It is always boring, hard, sweaty, achey, and hurty (yea, I know that is not a word).

I hate doing it, and yet I know I must. 

I must, I must, I must.

Sorry, just trying to convince myself again.

Weekly Weigh-In and Goals

Weekly Weigh-In

215 lbs.

Still!!  Geez, I wasn't expecting much, but at least a pound or two.

Goals Kept This Week:

Still of soda, almost 3 weeks so far. Longest I've stayed off in a while (without cheating).

I kept to my diet about 50% of the time.  I haven't been too strict, but I also haven't been cheating too much.

I did not do any walking this week, ONLY because it was so so rainy.

I also did my 30 day Shred workout for 3 days.  It is such an intense workout, I was mega sore for most of the weak.  Like so sore I could barely sit on the toilet, or pick up Harry without wincing in pain.

So, overall...I didn't do too bad.  

But still need to do way better.

Next Weeks Goals:

1. Walk 3 miles (or more) per day, at least 5 days out of the week.

2. Do my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video, at least 4 days out of the week.

Also, work on my stamina and endurance during my workouts.  No quitting and being a baby!

3. I am just going to concentrate on making healthier eating decisions and smaller portions, no specific diet (for now).

4. Stay OFF of soda and sugary all beverages, except Crystal Light.

5. Drink LOTS of water.

This last week was really hard on me.  I am having a hard time with my depression and anxiety...and I have been beyond moody.  I find that I have a much harder time keeping my goals when things are not going as planned...and well with two kids and Jason that is almost always.  I want to focus more on exercising, to help release some of the stress that I have, and also work on my endurance.  I have such a hard time pushing myself during a workout, when I get tired or bored I just stop, instead of pushing myself to finish.  

Really hoping that I can do better this week...