There I said it.

Fat.

Yup.  That is what I am.
And I am tired of it.

I am pretty sure there aren't any other women out there 

depressed at being at their pre-pregnancy weight.

And it really isn't about the numbers this time.  I feel fat. And I feel bad, and unhealthy.

But I have a plan, and its going good.

I am doing the C25K program again.

I'm on Week 1 Day 3.  

My calves and legs have been sore.  But my knees are holding up, and the breathing is getting a little easier.  Hopefully in a couple months I will be able to run 3 miles.

I have been getting up at 6 am to run, which I hate, but it is the only time in the day I have to myself.

And I feel quite proud that I can accomplish something that early in the morning.

I have been eating better lately too.

(Not counting my out of control binging... but I will get to that later.)

I'm not following any sort of plan right now, but I will start one soon.

Just wanted to put it out there....  That I am trying again.

Put it in writing, you know...to give myself more accountability.

I really want to do it this time.  I can't fail.... again.

Cause every time I do, I just get fatter.

And I really want to be a runner, more than anything.

Here's the plan;

Monday, Wednesday, Friday - 6am, C25K

Saturday - 8am,  I do C25K with my friend.

I don't have anything for Tuesday or Thursday yet, I am thinking of a yoga class.
Also looking for my first race to do in March.

Wish me luck.  Send me prayers.  Help a sister out!

Baby is here

Well, little Charlie is here, and after such a long and difficult pregnancy I am happy happy happy!!  She is about 3 weeks, and a couple days old now.  I am feeling great, pretty much back to normal, except a little tired.  Okay, a lot tired.  I am trying to stick with the nursing this time around, and she is doing much better than the boys did.  My body still is not producing very much milk, but I am not giving up yet.
The best thing so far is, I've lost about 10 lbs since I've has her (thanks to the nursing???).  In fact I am down 20 lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight, and I am wearing a size smaller jeans than I did last winter!  Pretty awesome!
I am trying so hard to stay in control of my eating, and in a few weeks I will start walking again (3 miles, 5 days a week) and then start on my training for my 5k.  Who knows, if I can keep it off, and maybe even have another little girl... I might, just maybe, get to my goal weight someday ;)

There is a first time for everything.

All is progressing well with the baby.  I am feeling much better than I was the beginning of this year, and I feel more like myself again.  The whole family is looking forward to bringing home a new little baby sister, it's all Clark can talk about these days.
Yesterday at one of my check ups the doctor was concerned that I wasn't gaining enough weight.

Wait! What???  Are you sure you have the right chart there??

Apparently I have only gained 3 pounds since my first trimester.
I knew I hadn't gained back all the wight I lost when I was sick, and I was thinking that was a good thing since I am so over weight.  And I know that I have gained back more than 3 pounds.  But they only chart since they started seeing me, which was around 13 weeks, and since then it has only been 3 pounds.  And between my last two appointments I even lost a teeny tiny bit of weight.
So... they are "concerned".  And is makes me laugh, a lot.
At one point the doctor asked me, with a completely serious look on his face, if I was starving myself.
HA!  I eat like 6 hamburgers a week.  And I snack all day long, and probably not the healthiest portions.
Starving myself, hahahahaha, as if.

I will never forget when I was pregnant with Clark, and I went in for my first check up, I weighted about 180.  And the doctor told me that I needed to be careful and not gain too much weight, since I was already obese. OBESE!!!!!  Now, I am not gaining enough weight. Please.
It all seems rather ridiculous to me.  They said the baby is still measuring good, so they aren't worried about that.  They just want me to go see a nutritionist to make sure I am eating right. (Like I have all time time in the world to go to another freaking doctors appointment.)  So I will go, like I am told.  And who knows, maybe I can get some good advice on what to do after I have the baby, which is when I normally pack on the pounds. (I didn't gain much weight when I was pregnant with the boys, but afterwards I put on like 20 pounds, each, yikes.)

For the time being, I will enjoy this little twist of irony in my life.  There is a first time for everything. And I am absolutely positive that no one is ever going to tell me again that I am not gaining enough weight. Ha!

Who knew?

Who knew, after all this time, that the diet that would work the best for me would be pregnancy!

Yep, I am pregnant.  About 11 weeks. 

And my baby is trying to kill me.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, most days I can't move.

It is sad.

BUT... I have lost 18 lbs.

I know, I know, not a healthy way to lose weight, and really I would never choose it, 

but it is a small upside to the torture I have been going through.

When I finally get my appetite back, and energy, I plan on doing a very healthy pregnancy diet...

so I don't end up looking like a whale by September.

Wish me luck.  

Walk.

I started my worked out yesterday, a whole week later than I wanted.  Bad April.  

The 7:00 am thing was/is not working for me, at all.  Not only is it nearly impossible for me to drag my self out of bed to do the thing I hate most, my treadmill wakes up the boys, and then all chance for me to workout is gone anyway.  So I am trying to squeeze it in while Clark is at school, which would be an ideal time, except Harry hates it for some reason, and tries to claw at my legs or sit on the treadmill while I am jogging. Ugh.  I can't win.  

I think I am just going to have Jason move it into the garage, so I can get up in the morning, without waking anyone up.  And even though I HATE getting up early, it is so much better than having a workout looming over my head all day.

Anyway, the point of my posting.  I started my new routine yesterday.  And it was a walking day.  It felt so nice to just walk.  Not have to push myself to run, not have to feel like a big fat failure because I can't run.  Just walk.  Walk out the stress and of the past week (and boy oh boy was it a stressful one).  Just walk.  I didn't go as far as I wanted, only a mile and a half, about thirty minutes.  But it felt good, and I felt good for the rest of the day.

I need to be better at making my workouts a priority.  It is all to easy for me to put it off.  Today is already looking bad, I've got 37 loads of laundry to do, and a houseful of kids (I am babysitting for a friend).  Even if I have to do it at 10:00 pm at night, I will.  Maybe.  No, I really will.  Maybe.

I need this scripture today.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. 

Phillippians 4:13 

On another note...

Tomorrow I am starting my new workout routine.

7 am wake-up time.  And in case you don't know me, that is really early, 
really early for me.

I am going to alternate walking 3 miles one day, 
then doing my C25K training for 45 minutes the next day.  
6 days a week, Sundays off.

Wish me luck.  I know me and lazy, fat butt are going to need it.

Resolutions!

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. 

Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

 ~ Mark Twain

I had a wonderful, wonderful New Years with my family, and friends. I am so blessed to have so many good people in my life.  I am not very proud of myself.  A lot of things (read- most of the things) I wanted to do and accomplish last year, I did not.  Not even close.  I have not lost any weight, in fact I have steadily gained weight.  I am not closer to running a marathon or any race (although, I do have my first one scheduled for March 18, 2011).  Nothing was crossed of my bucket list, in fact I only succeeded in adding things to it.  There is  so much I want to do, and now more than ever I feel ready to do them.  I feel PUMPED and excited, ready for anew.  I am excited for this new year, I am excited for my little family.  And now, without further ado, my obligatory New Year Resolutions.

2011

1.  Run 3 races.*  Size matters not, and at least one of them I have to run the entire time without stopping.  By the end of the year I would really love to be able to run 3-5 miles, without stopping, and without feeling like I am going to DIE.

2. Lose 2-5 pounds every month.*  Which equals out to about 24-60 pounds this whole year.  

3.  Learn to crochet.  I want to make a hat, scarf, ornaments for my Christmas tree next year, and Granny squares so I can make a quilt.

4.  Read my Book of Mormon, cover to cover, at least twice.  I have not done this in YEARS.

5.  Also there are three classes I am interested in taking; yoga, photography and singing.

There ya go.  Something for the body, mind and soul.  None of them too overwhelming, all of them within my grasp.  I can do it, you can do it, WE CAN DO IT!   Happy New Years!!!  2011 is going to ROCK.

**  Also, one of my hopes this year is to add another baby to the Bosko family.  That may make two of my top goals a little harder, but I am confident I can still keep them.  If needs be I can walk my races, and (safely) diet while I am pregnant.  It is possible.

30 Day Challenge

I read a very inspiring blog post the other day,

 from one of my favorite people/bloggers (that I have actually never met).

Walk Before You Run

Did you read it??  See, INSPIRING!

I think that's always my problem with the goals I set out for myself,

I start too big, and then fizzle out.

I want to run 3 miles in one day, when I know I can't even do 1 mile.

Or even get my ass on the treadmill.

We had a little scare not last month.  Not a big deal, but I though I was pregnant.  And that wouldn't be a bad thing, far from it.  I was just scared, cause I realized I haven't done any of the things I wanted -and needed- to do before we have our next baby... like potty training Clark, running a 5K, dropping a few hundred pounds.  I've been doing well on the other little goals I set for myself, a couple months ago.  My family is on a better schedule and on the way to better eating habits (that is taking a bit longer since someone -Dad- is such a big baby and junk food-aholic). 

 I am just not doing well on my running goal.  

I am no where near, where I should be for the end of December.  

We (my friend and I) set the date for our first race!

March 18, 8K, here in Virginia Beach.  

So, I have a little over 3 months to train myself to run 5 miles.  

I know I can do it.  I just have to take baby steps to get there.  

I am not a fan of running, I really hate it.

Like totally 100%

But it is something I want to do with all of my heart.

(I've just got to get my body on board.)

I am going to do a 30 day challenge where I run/jog/walk really fast,

EVERYDAY!

I am allowing myself to take Sundays off, 

but I am jogging all the other six days of the week, 

for the next month, until Janurary1.

I am going to start the new year out right, ahead of a goal, on track!

And maybe this running everyday will help me develop a good habit, 

so that when I start pushing myself longer and harder, 

I will be able to stay on task, instead of just giving up.

I can't wait.  I really really am hoping I can do this!