There I said it.

Fat.

Yup.  That is what I am.
And I am tired of it.

I am pretty sure there aren't any other women out there 

depressed at being at their pre-pregnancy weight.

And it really isn't about the numbers this time.  I feel fat. And I feel bad, and unhealthy.

But I have a plan, and its going good.

I am doing the C25K program again.

I'm on Week 1 Day 3.  

My calves and legs have been sore.  But my knees are holding up, and the breathing is getting a little easier.  Hopefully in a couple months I will be able to run 3 miles.

I have been getting up at 6 am to run, which I hate, but it is the only time in the day I have to myself.

And I feel quite proud that I can accomplish something that early in the morning.

I have been eating better lately too.

(Not counting my out of control binging... but I will get to that later.)

I'm not following any sort of plan right now, but I will start one soon.

Just wanted to put it out there....  That I am trying again.

Put it in writing, you know...to give myself more accountability.

I really want to do it this time.  I can't fail.... again.

Cause every time I do, I just get fatter.

And I really want to be a runner, more than anything.

Here's the plan;

Monday, Wednesday, Friday - 6am, C25K

Saturday - 8am,  I do C25K with my friend.

I don't have anything for Tuesday or Thursday yet, I am thinking of a yoga class.
Also looking for my first race to do in March.

Wish me luck.  Send me prayers.  Help a sister out!

Baby is here

Well, little Charlie is here, and after such a long and difficult pregnancy I am happy happy happy!!  She is about 3 weeks, and a couple days old now.  I am feeling great, pretty much back to normal, except a little tired.  Okay, a lot tired.  I am trying to stick with the nursing this time around, and she is doing much better than the boys did.  My body still is not producing very much milk, but I am not giving up yet.
The best thing so far is, I've lost about 10 lbs since I've has her (thanks to the nursing???).  In fact I am down 20 lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight, and I am wearing a size smaller jeans than I did last winter!  Pretty awesome!
I am trying so hard to stay in control of my eating, and in a few weeks I will start walking again (3 miles, 5 days a week) and then start on my training for my 5k.  Who knows, if I can keep it off, and maybe even have another little girl... I might, just maybe, get to my goal weight someday ;)

There is a first time for everything.

All is progressing well with the baby.  I am feeling much better than I was the beginning of this year, and I feel more like myself again.  The whole family is looking forward to bringing home a new little baby sister, it's all Clark can talk about these days.
Yesterday at one of my check ups the doctor was concerned that I wasn't gaining enough weight.

Wait! What???  Are you sure you have the right chart there??

Apparently I have only gained 3 pounds since my first trimester.
I knew I hadn't gained back all the wight I lost when I was sick, and I was thinking that was a good thing since I am so over weight.  And I know that I have gained back more than 3 pounds.  But they only chart since they started seeing me, which was around 13 weeks, and since then it has only been 3 pounds.  And between my last two appointments I even lost a teeny tiny bit of weight.
So... they are "concerned".  And is makes me laugh, a lot.
At one point the doctor asked me, with a completely serious look on his face, if I was starving myself.
HA!  I eat like 6 hamburgers a week.  And I snack all day long, and probably not the healthiest portions.
Starving myself, hahahahaha, as if.

I will never forget when I was pregnant with Clark, and I went in for my first check up, I weighted about 180.  And the doctor told me that I needed to be careful and not gain too much weight, since I was already obese. OBESE!!!!!  Now, I am not gaining enough weight. Please.
It all seems rather ridiculous to me.  They said the baby is still measuring good, so they aren't worried about that.  They just want me to go see a nutritionist to make sure I am eating right. (Like I have all time time in the world to go to another freaking doctors appointment.)  So I will go, like I am told.  And who knows, maybe I can get some good advice on what to do after I have the baby, which is when I normally pack on the pounds. (I didn't gain much weight when I was pregnant with the boys, but afterwards I put on like 20 pounds, each, yikes.)

For the time being, I will enjoy this little twist of irony in my life.  There is a first time for everything. And I am absolutely positive that no one is ever going to tell me again that I am not gaining enough weight. Ha!

Who knew?

Who knew, after all this time, that the diet that would work the best for me would be pregnancy!

Yep, I am pregnant.  About 11 weeks. 

And my baby is trying to kill me.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, most days I can't move.

It is sad.

BUT... I have lost 18 lbs.

I know, I know, not a healthy way to lose weight, and really I would never choose it, 

but it is a small upside to the torture I have been going through.

When I finally get my appetite back, and energy, I plan on doing a very healthy pregnancy diet...

so I don't end up looking like a whale by September.

Wish me luck.  

Walk.

I started my worked out yesterday, a whole week later than I wanted.  Bad April.  

The 7:00 am thing was/is not working for me, at all.  Not only is it nearly impossible for me to drag my self out of bed to do the thing I hate most, my treadmill wakes up the boys, and then all chance for me to workout is gone anyway.  So I am trying to squeeze it in while Clark is at school, which would be an ideal time, except Harry hates it for some reason, and tries to claw at my legs or sit on the treadmill while I am jogging. Ugh.  I can't win.  

I think I am just going to have Jason move it into the garage, so I can get up in the morning, without waking anyone up.  And even though I HATE getting up early, it is so much better than having a workout looming over my head all day.

Anyway, the point of my posting.  I started my new routine yesterday.  And it was a walking day.  It felt so nice to just walk.  Not have to push myself to run, not have to feel like a big fat failure because I can't run.  Just walk.  Walk out the stress and of the past week (and boy oh boy was it a stressful one).  Just walk.  I didn't go as far as I wanted, only a mile and a half, about thirty minutes.  But it felt good, and I felt good for the rest of the day.

I need to be better at making my workouts a priority.  It is all to easy for me to put it off.  Today is already looking bad, I've got 37 loads of laundry to do, and a houseful of kids (I am babysitting for a friend).  Even if I have to do it at 10:00 pm at night, I will.  Maybe.  No, I really will.  Maybe.

I need this scripture today.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. 

Phillippians 4:13 

On another note...

Tomorrow I am starting my new workout routine.

7 am wake-up time.  And in case you don't know me, that is really early, 
really early for me.

I am going to alternate walking 3 miles one day, 
then doing my C25K training for 45 minutes the next day.  
6 days a week, Sundays off.

Wish me luck.  I know me and lazy, fat butt are going to need it.

Resolutions!

Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. 

Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

 ~ Mark Twain

I had a wonderful, wonderful New Years with my family, and friends. I am so blessed to have so many good people in my life.  I am not very proud of myself.  A lot of things (read- most of the things) I wanted to do and accomplish last year, I did not.  Not even close.  I have not lost any weight, in fact I have steadily gained weight.  I am not closer to running a marathon or any race (although, I do have my first one scheduled for March 18, 2011).  Nothing was crossed of my bucket list, in fact I only succeeded in adding things to it.  There is  so much I want to do, and now more than ever I feel ready to do them.  I feel PUMPED and excited, ready for anew.  I am excited for this new year, I am excited for my little family.  And now, without further ado, my obligatory New Year Resolutions.

2011

1.  Run 3 races.*  Size matters not, and at least one of them I have to run the entire time without stopping.  By the end of the year I would really love to be able to run 3-5 miles, without stopping, and without feeling like I am going to DIE.

2. Lose 2-5 pounds every month.*  Which equals out to about 24-60 pounds this whole year.  

3.  Learn to crochet.  I want to make a hat, scarf, ornaments for my Christmas tree next year, and Granny squares so I can make a quilt.

4.  Read my Book of Mormon, cover to cover, at least twice.  I have not done this in YEARS.

5.  Also there are three classes I am interested in taking; yoga, photography and singing.

There ya go.  Something for the body, mind and soul.  None of them too overwhelming, all of them within my grasp.  I can do it, you can do it, WE CAN DO IT!   Happy New Years!!!  2011 is going to ROCK.

**  Also, one of my hopes this year is to add another baby to the Bosko family.  That may make two of my top goals a little harder, but I am confident I can still keep them.  If needs be I can walk my races, and (safely) diet while I am pregnant.  It is possible.

30 Day Challenge

I read a very inspiring blog post the other day,

 from one of my favorite people/bloggers (that I have actually never met).

Walk Before You Run

Did you read it??  See, INSPIRING!

I think that's always my problem with the goals I set out for myself,

I start too big, and then fizzle out.

I want to run 3 miles in one day, when I know I can't even do 1 mile.

Or even get my ass on the treadmill.

We had a little scare not last month.  Not a big deal, but I though I was pregnant.  And that wouldn't be a bad thing, far from it.  I was just scared, cause I realized I haven't done any of the things I wanted -and needed- to do before we have our next baby... like potty training Clark, running a 5K, dropping a few hundred pounds.  I've been doing well on the other little goals I set for myself, a couple months ago.  My family is on a better schedule and on the way to better eating habits (that is taking a bit longer since someone -Dad- is such a big baby and junk food-aholic). 

 I am just not doing well on my running goal.  

I am no where near, where I should be for the end of December.  

We (my friend and I) set the date for our first race!

March 18, 8K, here in Virginia Beach.  

So, I have a little over 3 months to train myself to run 5 miles.  

I know I can do it.  I just have to take baby steps to get there.  

I am not a fan of running, I really hate it.

Like totally 100%

But it is something I want to do with all of my heart.

(I've just got to get my body on board.)

I am going to do a 30 day challenge where I run/jog/walk really fast,

EVERYDAY!

I am allowing myself to take Sundays off, 

but I am jogging all the other six days of the week, 

for the next month, until Janurary1.

I am going to start the new year out right, ahead of a goal, on track!

And maybe this running everyday will help me develop a good habit, 

so that when I start pushing myself longer and harder, 

I will be able to stay on task, instead of just giving up.

I can't wait.  I really really am hoping I can do this!

Poofy

I have been feeling so poofy and bloated lately.
 I think it is because I have started drinking soda again.

Gasp! Shame. I know.

I know it is bad for me.  I know I shouldn't drink it.

But, the caffeiney goodness is just too good to pass up.

Not to mention I feel like a zombie most of the day if I don't have my morning Dew.

But alas, I am not liking this new extra poofy-ness.  

So, I have 9 cans left.  I will be rationing them out for the rest of them week, 

then I am DONE.

Yo, for reals this time.

(Please don't remind me that I have said this a million times before.)

I am gonna need all the help I can get if I am really going to run that 5k early next year.

I will miss you, soda-sody...you are my BFF,
and I really don't know how I am going to get on without you.
 Um... yea, I really don't.  Do ya'll have any suggestions???

Perfectly Inspiring, For All Occasions.

“When a battered, weary swimmer tries valiantly to get back to shore, after having fought strong winds and rough waves which he should never have challenged in the first place, those of us who might have had better judgment, or perhaps just better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him with our oars, and shove his head back underwater.”

~Jeffery R. Holland

Challenge Accepted

My friend asked me if I wanted to run a 5k with her early next year, 

and of course I said YES,

 since I was already kinda training...
and well you know how much I want to.  

We moved my tread mill into my bedroom, so I can't use the "its too cold" excuse to not go running, and I can also watch my shows while I run.  We have it planned to do a practice run in January, and then run a race down here in Virgina Beach in March or April.  I am excited.  

On a related note...

I am still not doing well with the running, my chubby body really really hates it.

But I am going to keep on, keeping on.

Focus

I feel like I am lacking focus in my life.  I flit from one thing to another.  One day I am obsessed with running a marathon (seriously, someday it is going to happen) so all I do is running things... I read about running, running blogs, running magazines, running shoes, I make lists and plans, I run.  Then my back hurts, or I skip a day, and my focus changes.  The next day it is about reading... I am just not reading enough, and my book blogs suck, and why can't I be a better book blogger- a professional book blogger...in fact why can't I be a better writer period!  The next day it is photography, and why can't I take better pictures, or find an affordable class, or why can't I be as good Ms. Fancypants over there.  Diet, exercise, child care, decorating my house (and my utter lack of craftiness), the list goes on and on.   Always the same routine.  I focus and obsess about things, until I start to make myself feel bad for not being as good as so and so, or not reaching the goals I set for myself, then I go on to something else.  Searching for something to be the best at, to be validated for my hard work and passion.  (And not something lame, like I am super awesome at watching too much tv.)  I feel like a loser sometimes.  I am 30 years old, and haven't really done anything with my life.  I look at all these younger people around me, and the amazing things that they have done...and wonder why did I, DO I still, squander so much of my time and energy.
I want to make some changes in my life, I am going to make some changes.  I am going to focus on 1 or 2 things at a time.  Once I feel like I have succeeded, or made a good habit, then I can move to something else.
First things first, RUNNING.  I have been enjoying the C25K program I started (when I actually do it), and I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just need to stay with it, and push myself a little harder (read- NO more skipping days, or ahem... weeks).  I am not going to obsess about my diet (for now), or losing weight, just running.
Second, ROUTINE.  I have never been very good at having myself, Jason, or my kids on a schedule.  I let the boys eat and sleep whenever they want (which most nights means they are up until 12:30am).  I laze about, playing, reading, doing whatever, letting things pile up around me, then spend a stressful day or two trying to get everything back in order...wash, rinse, repeat.  There is no order in our life, which leads to stress and contention.  Clark and Harry need the structure, especially the older they are getting, and I need to feel like I have some control in my life.
Slowly I hope I can get my life to where I want it, and feel successful.

What is Perfection???

I found this blog this morning.  I was supposed to be checking my email and facebook, real fast, but I clicked this link, and got hooked.  I read for 2 straight hours.   

This post really made think about my own life, and all the expectations I heap upon myself.  

About how much I beat myself up on a daily basis for not meeting these expectations.  

And how I treat my family... I don't ever want them to feel less than the amazingly perfect people they are.  We all have different gifts and talents to offer each other, myself included

 (no matter how hard it is for me to admit). 

I have a messy house, 

and for the life of me I can't seem to decorate it super cute like the ladies in my chruch.  

I am overweight, and rarely floss my teeth. I pick my nose.  I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband.  

I am not perfect, far from it.  

BUT;

 neither is that lady I envied the other day for her perfectly decorated and clean house, 

neither is the tiny little Mom I saw trying on her size 4 jeans, 

neither is Mr. and Mrs. So and So and their seemingly perfect marriage.

I know I am rambling now, but I guess what I am trying to say is... reading this post today really opened my eyes to how I treat myself and others.  I am really going to try to be loving, supportive and tolerant, to everyone around me, and not judge so quickly.  

I am going to be a better friend, mother, wife.

Click the link below, and take a minute to read the post,
it is thought provoking.

ps.  On this same blog, there is an equally important/moving post about bullying, READ IT!

Meh.

Went jogging today.

It sucked.

Someday, I hope and pray that it doesn't suck.

Please, someone tell me that it will get easier.

NOT looking forward to my workout tomorrow.

But, I am going to do it anyway.

I hope.

Weird

I feel so weird lately, well the last 5 days or so.  I am achy and sore...mostly my back.  I am exhausted all the time, which I know mostly has to do with my kids getting up a lot a night, and the stress of trying to get the house running smoothly (with NO help).  I don't feel like I am getting sick.  I just feel odd.  And the past two days I have gotten the worst migraine headaches, which makes doing anything, painful, especially exercise.  I want to get out and resume my C25K program, or at least get some fresh air and go on a walk.  I was actually starting to make some progress, albeit slow, with the jogging.  Meh.  We'll see.  I will give it another day or so.  Harry has had a fever for the past couple days, so maybe we are all coming down with something...

What the WHAT???

So,

I don't know if my scale is broken,

or the scale I was using before was broken,

or the weight loss Gods have finally decided to send me a little love...

But I have somehow magically lost 20 pounds.

I don't know if I believe it, but I am going with it for now.

Wouldn't you :)

I think it is time for a new, digital scale.

I don't feel as if I have lost any weight at all, 

(which only confirms that this is all some kind of cruel prank).

I was hoping 20 pounds would at least make my clothes a little looser. 

We'll see...

C25K

Here is the new thing I am doing...

Couch To 5K

And I am really excited about it!!

I am only about a couple days in, but so far so good.  It didn't think it would be so hard,

60 seconds of running psh, easy.  But I am so incredibly out of shape, that it is kicking my butt.

I take the boys with me when I do my walk/jogs and push them in the double stroller.  I am hoping that this will build up my strength and endurance, so when I do get to run by myself it is much easier.

I am, like always, working towards a marathon (or at the very least a 1/2 marathon) next year.  

But for now, I do have a couple of 5k races lined up in October and November that I hope I can be ready for.

I really want to do this!

Also, I am going to be signing up for a couple classes in the evening next month, a yoga one for sure, and then maybe a spin class.  

Go! Fight! Win!

A New Motivation

I found a new motivation today, 

not that my last one wasn't good enough, 

but the more the merrier, right ;)

I just unpacked 3 boxes of winter clothes, that we had packed away while we lived in Hawaii

(you don't need winter clothes when it is 80 degrees year-round).

None of them fit, NONE!

Operation: Get April Into Her Winter Clothes, starts tomorrow.

I got up this morning, at 5am!, to go for a jog before Jason went to work, but it was still dark.  So, tomorrow morning, after the kids have breakfast, we will start the first of many daily walk/jogs.

I am going to map out a 2/3 mile route tonight.  The plan is to take the kids on a walk (walking for now, working up to jogging) at least 5 days of the week, in addition to the gym membership that I will be getting next month.

I wanna have a baby!

I have decided that I am ready to have another baby! 

Yes, I am serious.

It is not really a big surprise, we haven't exactly kept it a secret that we want a big family, at least 4 kids... maybe 5, 

MAYBE.  

Harry is turning 2 at the end of this month, and well... it's time.

But,

(and its a really BIG butt, cause it's mine!)

I need to lose some weight, get into shape, and just get healthier overall.

With both of my previous pregnancies the doctors made mention of me being over-weight.  One doctor (whom shall remain nameless... just kidding I can't even remember his dumb name) even went as far as to call me OBESE!  I am not joking.  The funny thing about it was I was only 175 lbs, I would be pretty happy if I could get down to that weight again.
We aren't going to start "trying" right away.  We need to get settled in our new area, get things figured out for Clark and Harry (school, doctors, therapists, ect...) and save a little bit of money (or pay down on our credit card).  So, maybe early next year sometime.
(I am really so excited!  A tiny little baby!  A little baby brother or sister for the boys!)
 Which means I have about 4-6 months to get into shape.  I have already started lowering my calorie intake, after the binge fest that was our summer vacation, but need to work on better eating choices.  I am also going to start walking/running again.  The rest of this month (September) I am going to take it easy, while we finish unpacking and sort out our life here.  I don't do well with stress (I have already been having a ton of anxiety) so I don't want to pile too much on my plate.  Come October 1st I will be ready (I hope, I hope) to go all out!  I am even going to try to find a small 5k race to run, give me something to work towards.

I am moving to the moon!

I know it has been forever since I last posted. 

We are moving, and on a sort-of vacation...visiting family and slowly heading towards Virginia (our new home).  I can't even begin to describe the amount of stress I've been under, so many little things everyday.  Not being in my own home with my own things, trying to keep the kids happy as we drag them all over the Southwest, not having time to do the things I enjoy... like reading and blogging (they really do help me relax and de-stress).  I am loving every minute of it, honestly I do, I am so thankful that we are able to travel like this and spend time together as a family....but it is also wearing me pretty thin.  Oh! And the junk food, so much junk food!  Soda for our road trips, fast food drive-thrus so we can get in a couple more hours of driving, and of-corse my Momma's and Granny's home cooked food.  

I have been gaining so much weight!  

Sad face.

We went to the Space and Air Museum, in Alamagordo New Mexico yesterday.  

I paid 25¢ to find out that I weighed 226.3 pounds!

Holy freaking cow!

That is too much.

Another sadder face.

I also found out that I would weigh 88.6 pounds on the moon.

I think I am moving to the moon now.