Focus

I feel like I am lacking focus in my life.  I flit from one thing to another.  One day I am obsessed with running a marathon (seriously, someday it is going to happen) so all I do is running things... I read about running, running blogs, running magazines, running shoes, I make lists and plans, I run.  Then my back hurts, or I skip a day, and my focus changes.  The next day it is about reading... I am just not reading enough, and my book blogs suck, and why can't I be a better book blogger- a professional book blogger...in fact why can't I be a better writer period!  The next day it is photography, and why can't I take better pictures, or find an affordable class, or why can't I be as good Ms. Fancypants over there.  Diet, exercise, child care, decorating my house (and my utter lack of craftiness), the list goes on and on.   Always the same routine.  I focus and obsess about things, until I start to make myself feel bad for not being as good as so and so, or not reaching the goals I set for myself, then I go on to something else.  Searching for something to be the best at, to be validated for my hard work and passion.  (And not something lame, like I am super awesome at watching too much tv.)  I feel like a loser sometimes.  I am 30 years old, and haven't really done anything with my life.  I look at all these younger people around me, and the amazing things that they have done...and wonder why did I, DO I still, squander so much of my time and energy.
I want to make some changes in my life, I am going to make some changes.  I am going to focus on 1 or 2 things at a time.  Once I feel like I have succeeded, or made a good habit, then I can move to something else.
First things first, RUNNING.  I have been enjoying the C25K program I started (when I actually do it), and I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just need to stay with it, and push myself a little harder (read- NO more skipping days, or ahem... weeks).  I am not going to obsess about my diet (for now), or losing weight, just running.
Second, ROUTINE.  I have never been very good at having myself, Jason, or my kids on a schedule.  I let the boys eat and sleep whenever they want (which most nights means they are up until 12:30am).  I laze about, playing, reading, doing whatever, letting things pile up around me, then spend a stressful day or two trying to get everything back in order...wash, rinse, repeat.  There is no order in our life, which leads to stress and contention.  Clark and Harry need the structure, especially the older they are getting, and I need to feel like I have some control in my life.
Slowly I hope I can get my life to where I want it, and feel successful.