Its not just about the FAT.

This new year I am recommitting myself to my weight loss and health goals.

I am all in, 100%!!

No cheat days this time, no excuses for not working out. I am going to quit being a baby, and I am just going to DO IT!

But, I don't want it all to be about fat. I want to find out more about myself, who I am, and work on my other goals, better everything about my life. I intended this blog to be all about finding me (hopefully a skinnier version of me), not just excising and dieting. I am not sure, right now, how I am going to incorporate the other things...but I am going to.

Here's to (I am toasting you with a nice cool glass of Diet Mt.Dew...my last one this year) a great New Year! I am really really praying that I can do it this time.

Its all in the look.

The other day I had a doctors appointment.  The nurse was taking my vitals and what not, and she asked me, "How much do you weigh?".  To which I replied, "200".  (Which is a little lie, I weight 197...but it is 3 pounds, who is really counting, oh yeah I am.)  Then with her eyes squinted she looked me up and down, and up and down again, and gave me a look that obviously meant... I don't believe you. Gah!

Now, I would like to think that she didn't believe me because I look so trim and fit (ha bloody ha), but I am sure she thought I was fatter, and was lying to save face.  

It was just one look, and yet to me it meant a thousand things.  

It reminded me of all the times when I was younger and thinner, when people would look at me...  I never thought what about they were thinking, it never even crossed my mind.  Maybe I might feel a little flattered, because I knew I looked cute that day, or got an awesome outfit.  (There are no cute outfits for us plumpy girls.)  But now, I am so insecure.  Why are you looking at me?  What are you thinking... Look at the plumpy girl, well at least she has a nice smile,  or I would never let myself get that fat, or why is she eating french fries when she should be eating a salad...

I hate that my weight has caused me to be so insecure, and not the outgoing person that I am.  I hate that I never really feel like myself, even with the dieting I feel like I am being someone else.  Not eating food I normally love, or trying new recipes.  Trying to be this fake healthy girl, who really just wants some fried chicken and Mexican food.  Trying to be this runner, when still after all these months I can't find any enjoyment in it, I have to force myself.  I am not a runner girl or an athletic girl.  I am a plumpy girl (who wishes she was skinny) who likes to curl up on the couch a read all day with snacks, or watch a great tv show with snacks.

I wish I could find a way to be myself, and still lose weight.  Snack and read and be lazy, yet still be a runner. And  a real runner, not the pathetic jogging that I do for ten minutes before I stop (cause I feel like I am gonna die).  I wish I could get secure in my body and not worry about every little look people give me. 

It is such a long road, I know.  I am not giving up, NOT at all.  I am just searching for a happy medium.  Some way to get what I want, without totally changing who I am.

GO! FIGHT! WIN!

Why can't everyday be like yesterday??

Yesterday was so awesome.  I stuck to all my rules, I had an awesome work out (2.5 miles jogging/walking), I ate healthy food in small portions (no cheating!), I even cleaned up my house, it was fantastic.  

Today is another story.  One too many sodas, cheating on my diet, and no work out.  I blame it on a very bad kid day, the stress just makes me forget about all the things I want to do.  I wallow in self pity, pick on myself, and then feel even worse for cheating and not working out (it is a vicious cycle).

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to stick to my plan for more than a few days at a time.  I think that is my biggest hurdle I need to get over.  Although I am thankful that I can start over, on a daily basis if needed.

My sister-in-law wants some support getting of soda, so I am going to do that with her.  God knows I need to get off for good, and quit yo-yoing.  I have tried a few times this year, but maybe this can be my first new year's resolution, get off soda and STAY off!

Weekly Weigh-In

Today I weighed-in at 197lbs.  I gained a little from last week.  I am such a yo-yo, up and down, up and down.  

To be fair (or unfair to me) I have not been sticking to my rules.  I have no will power. :(

SO, this week I am gonna start over (yet again).  Hopefully with a renewed focus, I really am so tired of being plumpy.  

I am going to track my running, by minutes and miles, and try to add a little bit on every week. This week my goal is to get up to 2 miles fast paced walking, and 1 mile jogging.

Rules for this week:

*No eating past 8pm.

*Sticking to my Medi-Fast and Detox Diet

*Some type of workout everyday

*No soda... I will be forever working on this, forever.  But I think for now I really need to get off it.

*Drinking more water

Here I go, again... Meh.

Honolulu Marathon

I am so sad today.  Today was the Honolulu Marathon that I was SUPPOSED to run.  I gave myself all year to train and get ready... and I wasted it.  I am not even any closer this year than I was last year... well maybe a teeny tiny bit closer. 

I am just such a bad runner.  I don't know how to get past that first hurdle.  The longest I have ever run without stopping was .7  of a mile (like 12 minutes).  Sucky.  I want to push myself to go longer, and farther... but I am a big baby I guess.  

Next year, I really want to do it next year.  I really really do.

50 in 50!

I saw this guy on the news tonight that had run a marathon in all 50 states.  I want to do that too!  50 marathons, in 50 states!  I am going to try so so so hard to make my first one be next year.

How do you diet when you are sick?

Seriously?  I don't know.  When I don't feel good it is near impossible to eat healthily, let alone exercise.  I have been slacking the past couple days because I caught Clark's cold.  My head is throbbing, my ears are ringing, my throat is sore...and all I want is comfort food.  Right when I get in the swing of things, something always sets me back.  I am so glad I can start over again tomorrow.

Weekly Weigh-In

193LBS!!!

Finally losing some weight again.  Someone at church even told me today that I looked like I was losing weight, it is so nice to feel validated... and just what I needed to hear before I start again this next week.  I am liking this Medi-Fast diet a lot.  It is much easier to stay on top of my calories and food intake when the meals are already planned out and prepared.  I wish I could get another months worth, but it is kinda expensive... so maybe later on down the road.

I haven't been doing well with my exercising at all.  Nothing this last week.  It is so hard to be motivated to work out, when I am concentrating so hard to not cheat... and add in all the other things I have to do, I am already tired before I even walk out the door.  

This next week I am gonna work really hard on not cheating and sticking to my Medi-Fast plan, and adding in 4-5 days of working out.

Maybe...

Clark is sitting next to me eating mini Oreo cookies, and I haven't eaten a single one. Maybe, just maybe I won't be fat forever.

Day by day.

I have been doing the Medi-Fast diet for 4 days now.  Believe it or not, the oatmeal that I eat for breakfast did NOT make me gag today.  The first 3 days were really really hard, but I am really getting used to it.  Most of the prepared meals taste like garbage water, the chicken soup I ate yesterday tasted like old chicken broth.  Even though it is not very tasty, and I am dying for some real food (I dreamed of nachos last night), I am sticking to it for the rest of the month.  I like that I am getting all my daily vitamins and calories, without really thinking about it.  Each packet meal is about 100-150 calories, so I am probably eating about 1000-1200 calories a day.  I also allow myself one diet soda a day, as a treat.  Not too bad.  More do-able than I originally thought.  It was so hard to get back on track, after my Halloween cheat day, and doing this is really helping.  I have 22 more days until Christmas Eve, my next cheat day! 

Now, I just really really really need to work on working out more.