Perfectly Inspiring, For All Occasions.

“When a battered, weary swimmer tries valiantly to get back to shore, after having fought strong winds and rough waves which he should never have challenged in the first place, those of us who might have had better judgment, or perhaps just better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him with our oars, and shove his head back underwater.”

~Jeffery R. Holland

A New Motivation

I found a new motivation today, 

not that my last one wasn't good enough, 

but the more the merrier, right ;)

I just unpacked 3 boxes of winter clothes, that we had packed away while we lived in Hawaii

(you don't need winter clothes when it is 80 degrees year-round).

None of them fit, NONE!

Operation: Get April Into Her Winter Clothes, starts tomorrow.

I got up this morning, at 5am!, to go for a jog before Jason went to work, but it was still dark.  So, tomorrow morning, after the kids have breakfast, we will start the first of many daily walk/jogs.

I am going to map out a 2/3 mile route tonight.  The plan is to take the kids on a walk (walking for now, working up to jogging) at least 5 days of the week, in addition to the gym membership that I will be getting next month.

Mr. Blog, you are not helping. And, Oy the Stress.

This blog was supposed to be my helper to get healthy, and its not really helping anymore.  I just ignore it until I feel guilty, then I pay a little attention to it, then back to ignoring it. 

 The stress of the move is getting to me.  Getting to me bad.  I have no time to do anything.  Everyday I have a million things to do, and I feel like I have no time to do them.  

For the first time in years, I actually feel the need and want to work out.  Get all that stress and nervous energy out of my body.  And now I have no time to do it, unless I get up at 5 am, and well that is just not going to happen, not in a million years.  Especially when I only get like 6-7 hours of sleep a night.  

(Maybe I need to start making it happen.  Maybe, just maybe.  We will see tomorrow.)

I feel so unhealthy.  I am really trying to eat smaller portions, and healthier things.  But in reality I know I am not doing good enough, and that make me more stressed, and a little sad.

Blah. That is how I feel.  Just blah.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, even when I was pregnant with my kids.

I am embarrassed to go home, for people to look me, and judge me.

Also...

My kids are driving me crazy. CRAZY.  I don't know how I am going to survive this move with them.  I swear at least 60% of my stress is from them.  Harry, and all his new issues.  Clark and he endless amounts of energy, that causes so many messes and problems.  It is exhausting.

I need this move to hurry and be over. 

I want to be settled into my new house, in our new area.

I want to get my life back, and my health back.

ps.  I am back on soda.  It has been the only way I have gotten through the stress of the last couple weeks.  But in exchange for drinking my diet soda, once a day, I gave up cookies, potato chips, most forms of candy. 

So, I am mad.

I am mad, tired, frustrated, stuck.  I feel like I have no control.  

I have two kids, two adorable little boys, who only like to eat junk food.  And I am not exaggerarting, I can count the times I have seen them eat a fruit or veggetable.  I have been slowly weeding out all the bad food that they love, and forcing them to make better choices (Jason too).  We got the hot dogs out of the house that Clark used to eat for breakfst lunch and dinner, and NO more Ramen!!!  I let them have fries, but only when we eat out.  So right now they are living on chicken nuggets, crackers, noodles and pretzels (I am slowly working on adding whole wheat noodels to the noodle pot).  

Anyway, it is a work in progress, and I know Jason and I haven't been the best example, but we are trying.  

Lat night I made a healthly dinner, super healthy.  Baked chicken and potatoes, with broccoli, califlower and carrots, all seasonsed with garlic and pepper, one of my favorite meals.  I knew the boys would be hungry, they had no afternoon snacks, and Jason took them to play at the park, so they should've been starving.  I figured, hoped, prayed that if they just tried a bite they would reason that even thought it looks funny, it taste really good.  We sat down to dinner (I love eating at the table as a family, the nights I can convince them to join me) and no one ate anything.  Nothing.  I was so confused, until I got it out of Jason that he took them to McDonalds after the park, and they all had a mini dnner before they came home for the food I worked for the last hour to cook. 

  I was sad.

Sad because it is unfair on a parentling level.  

Jason always gets to be the fun dad and I have to be the mean mom.  

Sad because I finally realized what I was up against...  

I have NO support in my house when I try to make POSITIVE changes.  NONE. I have to do everything by myself.  Jason can go on and on about how much he supports me or wants things to change. But I have to figure out how to do it all by myself, with him and two tiny munchkins fighting me the whole way.

I feel it the mostly with the deit and food stuff in our house, but it is apparent everywhere else as well. Disciplining our kids, trying to get them on better scheldules, budgeting, keeping up the house and yard work.  I am responsible for everything. Yet, at the same time, Jason likes to play the boss.  So I feel no control over what needs to be accomplished, yet all the responsibly to do it.  It is maddening. And it is a fight I can't win.  One we have been having for years.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I try to tell him how I feel, we talk, I yell, I cry, we try to talk again.  I keep trying and there is no win.  He doesn't see that his ideas, plans and strategies to improve are life are not working.  We are not going forward. 

I just want to wake up in the morning and feel like I have some control over my day. That I can decide what we are going to have for dinner, and everyone will be happy I made it and eat it.  That I can go for a walk/jog without worrying that the house is going to be ripped to shreds, with the boys being negelcted while I am gone.  I want to feel like the effort I put into things is working and worth something.  I want some support in my dieting choices.  Is it so hard to just NOT buy icecream and junk every time you go to the store?!

I love my family. I want us to move forward, as a team.  I want some support and control, with my decisions and life.  I want to feel better about my life, instead of wanting to sleep through the day.  I have been so incredibly blessed in my life, I am beyond thankful for everything I have and hold dear.  But is it too much to ask that we NOT be complacent with our life, but strive to be better than we already are. 

Bah-humbug.  Looks like it is time for another LONG walk. 

 I just hope I can get some time to myself today.

Uninspired...and then maybe a little inspired.

I have been so UNINSPIRED lately.  I don't feel like doing anything.  Everything is a chore, everything.  I don't want to read.  I don't want to blog.  I don't want to take pictures.  Last, but not least...I don't want to work out.  Unfortunately, I do want to eat...and sleep.
I take Zoloft for my depression.  I HATE taking it, but it does help, a lot.  I have recently ran out of my last prescription, and I know my body is just adjusting.  I have decided to not take anything for awhile.  I want to fight this the old fashion way... working out, being active and productive and eating better (Tom Cruise would be so proud).  I am going to start working out twice a day.  It might involve walking Clark to and from school, my workout video, or just hoofin' it on the treadmill...but I will be doing it twice a day.

Over the weekend I watched this new show, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.  I am all about eating fresh, home cooked meals.  I nag Jason almost constantly about how much processed food, and take out we eat and feed the boys, and how much I HATE it. I only managed to get Jason to watch half of the show with me...BUT I did convince him to let me redo our dinner menus and limit our eating out to twice a month.  Also, no more soda in the house, no more chicken nuggets and ramen for the boys, or cookies, hotdogs or mac and cheese.  I am going to cook all our meals from scratch.  They are not going to be happy, especially Clark, who likes to have Ramen for breakfast...but it is SO important that we do this as a family.

So, here I am hopelessly uninspired.  Trying little by little to get inspired. I need to do something.  Anything.  I am getting plumpier and chubbier.  Seriously, I went to the doctor over the weekend and I weigh...212 lbs!  I want to be healthy again and fit.  I want to run and have energy.  I want to change myself, better myself and maybe, just maybe inspire someone else.

Bah!

Today Jason informed me that he didn't buy our tickets for the Great Aloha Run, nor was he planning to (because surprise surprise, he messed up our monthly budget again). BAH!

After first I was relieved, then upset, back to relived, and now just confused.

I am relieved, because I was probably going to end up walking most of it, which would have taken ALL DAY. I am not doing any better with my running. I can run up to 1/2 a mile, but then I just can't make myself go anymore. (I usually add about another mile or two of walking.) I am upset because this is our last few months in Hawaii, most likely we are never gonna live here again, or even visit for a very long time. I wanted my first race (hopefully first of many) to be in Hawaii. While I am going back and forth, trying to decide on what stance to take... I realize I am just confused... I don't really know what I want. How did I except to run it anyway, when I never keep my goals??? As much as I try/want to make myself BE, I am just not that running athletic girl.

For the past several weeks, I have been telling myself everyday I am going to do this, or that...and yet I never do. It ranges to everything from, cleaning my house and getting caught up on laundry, to taking the kids to the park, to re-starting my diet, to finishing the hundreds of projects I have started...BAH!

I feel like I need some kind of re-boot, or even jump start. A week ALL BY MYSELF, to get caught up, and then start fresh. A good nights sleep, with out having nightmares of little Haitian orphans. A day where I can manage not to drink five too many diet Mt. Dews. A week to have my house clean, go to church, FINISH a book, and slowly try to brainwash my self... (no April, you do not like junk food, April spinach is your best friend, April you can survive on 1000 calories a day, and NO soda, April exercise is for WINNERS and naps are for LOSERS).

So, here I go again. Someday THIS WEEK, I am going to restart my diet and exercise. And I say someday, so that I can't beat myself up when I don't start til Saturday. Bah, why is it so hard...

How do you diet when you are sick?

Seriously?  I don't know.  When I don't feel good it is near impossible to eat healthily, let alone exercise.  I have been slacking the past couple days because I caught Clark's cold.  My head is throbbing, my ears are ringing, my throat is sore...and all I want is comfort food.  Right when I get in the swing of things, something always sets me back.  I am so glad I can start over again tomorrow.

Maybe...

Clark is sitting next to me eating mini Oreo cookies, and I haven't eaten a single one. Maybe, just maybe I won't be fat forever.

Why me???

I am really sucking at this diet, lifestyle change, thing lately.  I wake up in the morning all ready to go, then I see the cookies Jason left on the counter, or cook some toast for Harry...and then I am off, screwed for the rest of the day.  I have lost all my motivation.  I am blaming Jason for the most part, he really does make it so hard for me to stay on task.

BUT, it is a new week and I am having a go at it again, that is after I finish the cookies and milk I am having for breakfast.

My weigh-in yesterday was 200lbs!!!  Almost back to where I started from, it makes me sick and angry.  All that work for nothing.  Arg!

I did do well working out last week:

3 days of 1.5 miles or about 28 minutes walking/jogging.

I know I can do better than that, and I need to up my jogging time/distance so I can get ready for the race in February.

I also started a sort of Fat Club with my sister in-laws...winner get a prize at the end of a few months.  I think the extra support and competition will really help keep me focused...or at least that is what I am hoping,

That is all for now.  I got work to do, and cookies NOT to eat.

Baby Steps or Starting Over...again

I overwhelm myself too easily.  Way too easily.  I am not happy with things being just okay, I want it to be awesome, perfect...the best I can do.  Which does sound REALLY weird saying, because I am not a perfectionist at all (not even close), I just want to be able to do it all, and do it well.

Lately, I have been piling up everything on my plate, way too much...without even thinking about how I would be able to do any of it.  

I have been working tirelessly trying to stay on top of the wretched sugar ants that have taken over my kitchen, and all the other household chores I have to do (freaking laundry in the bane of my existence).  I have been trying to find time to motivate myself to work out, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep.  I want to read, I want to sew, I want to watch re-runs of Criminal Minds ALL DAY LONG, and I really want a diet coke and slice of pizza, with extra pepperoni.  I want, I want, I want.

So, in a effort to lessen the amount of THINGS on my plate, I am starting over.  I am not going to count my calories and obsess over every type of food I eat, I am just going to try eat smaller portions.  I am going to be OKAY with just working out for 15-20 minutes, as long as I do it everyday....okay every other day.  I am giving up my caffeine and soda, yet again (but this time for GOOD, I am serious).  

I am just going to start small.  Do one thing at a time, and not worry about all the things I am not doing.  I am going to take baby steps...baby steps to that spin class, baby steps to no more sugar (and pepperoni pizza), baby steps to running three miles, baby steps.  And I am not going to beat my self up when I can't do it all in one week, or even one month.  I think my new mantra needs to be something like...Rome wasn't built in a day, or all great things take time.  

I can, and will do it. (I am still trying to convince myself.)

ps. This is day 2 of no soda for me, and day 3 of working out everyday.

PUSH

I don't push myself, not nearly enough. 

Last night I was working out on our treadmill, when I was tired I got off, stretched and finished watching my shows.  Only later when I was putting away the treadmill (we fold it up out of the way) did I see how long I actually worked out for.  15 MINUTES!  

That's it, only 15 minutes...that's nothing.  It is pathetic.  I did not even consciously think about,  just got off when I wanted, when I was bored.  

I need to start pushing my self more, not pamper myself so much.  Stop eating whatever I want, whenever I want.  I need to keep telling myself, that I is ok to be a little less full, and a little more sore and tired (from working out).  I am entirely to easy on myself.

The rest of this week I am going to concentrate on PUSHING myself a little harder, not too much cause I am a BIG baby, but more than I am used to.  

Going through the motions...or complaining how unfair my life is.

Jason has a fitness test coming up that he has to pass, so the time set aside in the evening when I normally workout, has now been taken over by Jason. (Not fair!)  I give up drinking soda completely, and I am hating every minute of it...with no results.  Jason switches to diet soda and still drinks like a fish and losses weight?!?  (Not fair!)  While I can barley run for 15 minutes without getting out of breath, Jason all the sudden decides he wants to be a runner and jumps on the treadmill running 4 miles like it's no big deal. (Not fair!)  I am starving trying to eat my pathetic little chicken salad, while Jason is stuffing his hole with a tasty sausage hot dog and french fries...NOT FAIR!!  I swear if I hear another person ask Jason if he's lost weight, or tell him how good he looks...I will freak out! (So, not fair!)  He is such a pain in my side right now, always saying how much he supports me and wants to help out...Yet, getting junk for dinner, filing our freezer with ice cream I have to convince my self not to eat, and fighting me on every change I want to make.   Arg!

I am just not doing very well on my goals, any goals. 

It seems all I can manage to do, is what I need to do...take care of the boys, clean up after the boys, laundry (ALWAYS so much laundry), making sure the house is in order, you know the basics. I can never find the energy or time to do the extra things I want to do.  When I do find few minutes to do something extra, the entire house and family falls down around me. It is so frustrating. I just don't know how to do it.  

Motivation

I am thinking of joining a gym.  

I need more structure and accountability (which keeping this blog was supposed to give me, but I need a little more help).  It is so hard to jog on the treadmill at home, the boys are always destroying something or Jay needs me to make dinner, tons of reasons (or excuses I guess).  

I like the thought of going to different classes every evening (spin classes, yoga, Pilate's, kick boxing...so many options), and getting OUT of the house would be a HUGE plus, and maybe even getting a professional trainer to give me real tips.

$30 a month isn't that bad, and I think it will be really good for me.  A head start.

Let's all cross our fingers that I can convince Jay...

*UPDATE*  Jay said YES!  Woo-hoo!

My favorite...

My absolute favorite song to run to right now, and I can make it through the song twice (without stopping)! 

Wake Up by Arcade Fire...just a little bit of heaven to my ears.

I really need to lose some weight...

she says, as she eats Oreo cookies and sips a nice frosty one (diet Coke that is).

I am missing that thing, that key ingredient most people have and use to accomplish their goals...I think it is called stick-to-itiveness.

Needless to say, I am having a hard time staying on track for longer than a day or two at the most.  Yesterday was great, I even ralked (oh, that is my word for running and walking) on the treadmill.  But today has been a total disaster.  I don't know what keeps me from making the wise food choices I should be making.  No impulse control, maybe some emotional eating (I eat when I am bored or happy...it is a REALLY good thing I don't like to eat when I am mad or frustrated, a really good thing) or Jason always buying junk food even when I beg him not too.  Who knows...but I really need to lose some weight.  

Square One

I feel like I am all the way back at square one again.  I had a great week last week...not very much working out, but otherwise keeping on track.  Then came the weekend, and my birthday, and now I am officially off the wagon (and enjoying a lovely plate of french fries and chicken nuggets while I am at it).  Why when I cheat, or over indulge do I take so long to get back to the plan?  I know life it gonna be full of slip-ups and starting over....but does it really need to be this daunting for me.  Geez, it was just a day...ok mostly the whole weekend, but I really didn't go overboard as much as I could have.  

I am still not doing well with the working out.  Nothing!  Combine my hatred for anything not involving sitting on the couch, or at the beach, and my lack of free time...I have plenty of two kids hanging all over me time, or chores up my butt time, I just have NO free time.  Does vacuuming twice a day count as  exercise...cause most days that is what I have to do, and I do work up a sweat.  

So, once again back to square one.  And hoping to stay on the wagon for more than a week this time.

Stay tuned for my before pictures and weight...oh yea, I am gonna get on a scale, let's all pray it doesn't break.

Left over birthday cake....

Need I say more???

It is gonna be a long day.

Reading and waiting.

I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot.  Weight loss sites and blogs, food recipes and blogs, running blogs...on and on.  And I have come to the conclusion that I need to pick a diet plan.  And more importantly I need to keep a daily food journal.  I need something with rules and structure, and results.  I should probably buy a scale and weigh myself too...maybe that would get my butt in gear.

I am not really doing good on my little goals right now, not good at all.  

I feel hungry all the time.  I fill myself up on salad, and veggies, getting all the food groups in...and within the next hour I am already thinking of what I can eat next.  I made a delicious batch of oatmeal cookies the other day, and even though I eat only one at a time, I eat them 20 times a day (I have grounded myself from making any cookies for a while).  So, I figure keeping a food journal will shame me into eating better.  I can't find a minute to get out of the house, or prepare a healthy meal.  I recorded like 5 hours of different exercise shows, but Clark screams anytime I turn something on that was not made by Pixar.  I even got up this morning at 5:00 am to go workout, only to find out Jay had to go in early and was leaving in 10 minutes (why he didn't tell me the night before, or while I was getting dress I will never know).  

It seems like everything is against me, road block after road block.  It makes me so angry that I can't just say...this is what I want to do, and then do it.  I always have to wait...wait for the kids to go to bed (and they never do), wait for Jason to come home, wait until we have some extra money (and we NEVER do), wait until we move...always waiting.  Waiting for something to happen, that will change things.  Even though I know I am the only one who can change things.

I need something to kick start me into gear.  Something to push me over the edge.  Cause even though I want these things, and changes....and just can't commit and start doing them.

April Downer

Okay, okay.  It has come to my attention that I have been being quiet the downer.  I don't mean to come across as so depressed and tragic.  I have just been trying to be more honest with myself.  I have always kept that side of myself private.  I don't like to be a burden to people, or sit and complain and complain...that is not me.  But I have learned that if I keep going on like everything is good and happy, then my life is never going to make the positive changes that I want.  

Over the past few years my life has gone through some major changes, moving too far from home, becoming a mother of two, going from a two income household to a very small one income house hold, and a husband that expends any reserve a patience I might have (seriously, if you want to find the root of most of my problems and stress it is Jason...and yet despite it all, I love him).  I welcomed all these changes, and I love them...but I did not deal with them well.  It was a little too much for me.  And I kept it all inside, trying to be the hippy happy April that I always was.  That is not working anymore.  I want to make some changes in my life, good changes, and it is gonna be a little rough and salty at first.  But just wait!  In a year when I am skinny and beautiful and more famous than Stephanie Meyer, you will be happy you made this journey with me.  All the ups and downs will be worth it, and you will know me all the better because of it.

So, to review.  I am ok, I am not going to kill myself.  I love my chubby life, despite all the ups and downs...I have been truly blessed.  But I am not who I want to be right now, I have so much more potential and I am gonna find it. 

Love ya all.

It's just too hard.

Come on!!!!  Why can't I do this?  I can't even go a day keeping my goals.  I am just too tired and unmotivated.  I keep silently screaming to myself to do something, anything...but yet here I sit making excuse after excuse, trying to remind myself how much I want this.  I am willing to work for it, but why can't I just start.

I am going to make a (yet another) doctors appointment next week.  Hopefully someone will hear what I am saying and give me some relief.  I know that half of my problems with my health and my fatness...come from my depression and anxiety.  Yet, even knowing that does nothing to change it.  It is the worst feeling ever.  It is like old April is back there in my head, being my same old self, trying to get on with things...but a mean, sadder, and moodier April has taken over.  And she doesn't let me do anything I want, she makes me say the most horrible things, and every time I start to make any progress what so ever she pushes me down and kicks me a lot.  She is such a bitch.  

Maybe my first goal needs to be geared more towards mental health.  Find a doctor who will help me, and even someone to talk to.  Find out why I eat so much, and why I am so sad and angry all the time.  Because I don't think I am going to make any progress when I am stuck in the rut.   I am so scared.  I never have any luck with doctors, never.  But I am really not going to give up this time.