It's just too hard.

Come on!!!!  Why can't I do this?  I can't even go a day keeping my goals.  I am just too tired and unmotivated.  I keep silently screaming to myself to do something, anything...but yet here I sit making excuse after excuse, trying to remind myself how much I want this.  I am willing to work for it, but why can't I just start.

I am going to make a (yet another) doctors appointment next week.  Hopefully someone will hear what I am saying and give me some relief.  I know that half of my problems with my health and my fatness...come from my depression and anxiety.  Yet, even knowing that does nothing to change it.  It is the worst feeling ever.  It is like old April is back there in my head, being my same old self, trying to get on with things...but a mean, sadder, and moodier April has taken over.  And she doesn't let me do anything I want, she makes me say the most horrible things, and every time I start to make any progress what so ever she pushes me down and kicks me a lot.  She is such a bitch.  

Maybe my first goal needs to be geared more towards mental health.  Find a doctor who will help me, and even someone to talk to.  Find out why I eat so much, and why I am so sad and angry all the time.  Because I don't think I am going to make any progress when I am stuck in the rut.   I am so scared.  I never have any luck with doctors, never.  But I am really not going to give up this time.