Night time snacking.

Well, I have good news and bad news....

The good news is, I am OFF of soda again. 5 days so far, with nothing but water or Crystal Light. And this time I am really going to try to stay off, really.

The bad news is, I am not doing very well sticking to my diet. I can do it all day, ALL DAY. No cheating. But as soon as dinner is over, I am ravenous. I want to eat anything and everything. From 6pm until I go to bed is the worst for me. I try having extra glasses of water, herbal tea, snacking on some baby carrots or nuts, but none of it is satisfying enough to curb that gnawing feeling in my stomach. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, or how to fix it. I am eating plenty of protein and veggies through out the day, but as soon as the night hits...yikes. Any suggestions?

This next week I am going to try to step up my workouts. At least 4 days this week.

I have been pretty off and on with this diet and exercise thing lately, I really want to get back in the groove.

Bah!

Today Jason informed me that he didn't buy our tickets for the Great Aloha Run, nor was he planning to (because surprise surprise, he messed up our monthly budget again). BAH!

After first I was relieved, then upset, back to relived, and now just confused.

I am relieved, because I was probably going to end up walking most of it, which would have taken ALL DAY. I am not doing any better with my running. I can run up to 1/2 a mile, but then I just can't make myself go anymore. (I usually add about another mile or two of walking.) I am upset because this is our last few months in Hawaii, most likely we are never gonna live here again, or even visit for a very long time. I wanted my first race (hopefully first of many) to be in Hawaii. While I am going back and forth, trying to decide on what stance to take... I realize I am just confused... I don't really know what I want. How did I except to run it anyway, when I never keep my goals??? As much as I try/want to make myself BE, I am just not that running athletic girl.

For the past several weeks, I have been telling myself everyday I am going to do this, or that...and yet I never do. It ranges to everything from, cleaning my house and getting caught up on laundry, to taking the kids to the park, to re-starting my diet, to finishing the hundreds of projects I have started...BAH!

I feel like I need some kind of re-boot, or even jump start. A week ALL BY MYSELF, to get caught up, and then start fresh. A good nights sleep, with out having nightmares of little Haitian orphans. A day where I can manage not to drink five too many diet Mt. Dews. A week to have my house clean, go to church, FINISH a book, and slowly try to brainwash my self... (no April, you do not like junk food, April spinach is your best friend, April you can survive on 1000 calories a day, and NO soda, April exercise is for WINNERS and naps are for LOSERS).

So, here I go again. Someday THIS WEEK, I am going to restart my diet and exercise. And I say someday, so that I can't beat myself up when I don't start til Saturday. Bah, why is it so hard...

Starting Over

I am starting over...for reals this time. Seriously.

I am starting the Detox diet tomorrow. Daily work outs. Only one can of soda a day. At least 48-64 ounces of water a day (with my low calorie, sugar free mix-ins). No sugar, or salt. Treats= sugar free gum, my daily soda, or 1 serving of fruit a day. Daily multi-vitamin and plenty of outside time.

Here I go. For real. I am tired of being a fatty. I would like to lose 5 lbs. a month. I would like to work on my running, marathon (or really slow 5k) here I come.

Its not just about the FAT.

This new year I am recommitting myself to my weight loss and health goals.

I am all in, 100%!!

No cheat days this time, no excuses for not working out. I am going to quit being a baby, and I am just going to DO IT!

But, I don't want it all to be about fat. I want to find out more about myself, who I am, and work on my other goals, better everything about my life. I intended this blog to be all about finding me (hopefully a skinnier version of me), not just excising and dieting. I am not sure, right now, how I am going to incorporate the other things...but I am going to.

Here's to (I am toasting you with a nice cool glass of Diet Mt.Dew...my last one this year) a great New Year! I am really really praying that I can do it this time.

Its all in the look.

The other day I had a doctors appointment.  The nurse was taking my vitals and what not, and she asked me, "How much do you weigh?".  To which I replied, "200".  (Which is a little lie, I weight 197...but it is 3 pounds, who is really counting, oh yeah I am.)  Then with her eyes squinted she looked me up and down, and up and down again, and gave me a look that obviously meant... I don't believe you. Gah!

Now, I would like to think that she didn't believe me because I look so trim and fit (ha bloody ha), but I am sure she thought I was fatter, and was lying to save face.  

It was just one look, and yet to me it meant a thousand things.  

It reminded me of all the times when I was younger and thinner, when people would look at me...  I never thought what about they were thinking, it never even crossed my mind.  Maybe I might feel a little flattered, because I knew I looked cute that day, or got an awesome outfit.  (There are no cute outfits for us plumpy girls.)  But now, I am so insecure.  Why are you looking at me?  What are you thinking... Look at the plumpy girl, well at least she has a nice smile,  or I would never let myself get that fat, or why is she eating french fries when she should be eating a salad...

I hate that my weight has caused me to be so insecure, and not the outgoing person that I am.  I hate that I never really feel like myself, even with the dieting I feel like I am being someone else.  Not eating food I normally love, or trying new recipes.  Trying to be this fake healthy girl, who really just wants some fried chicken and Mexican food.  Trying to be this runner, when still after all these months I can't find any enjoyment in it, I have to force myself.  I am not a runner girl or an athletic girl.  I am a plumpy girl (who wishes she was skinny) who likes to curl up on the couch a read all day with snacks, or watch a great tv show with snacks.

I wish I could find a way to be myself, and still lose weight.  Snack and read and be lazy, yet still be a runner. And  a real runner, not the pathetic jogging that I do for ten minutes before I stop (cause I feel like I am gonna die).  I wish I could get secure in my body and not worry about every little look people give me. 

It is such a long road, I know.  I am not giving up, NOT at all.  I am just searching for a happy medium.  Some way to get what I want, without totally changing who I am.

GO! FIGHT! WIN!

Why can't everyday be like yesterday??

Yesterday was so awesome.  I stuck to all my rules, I had an awesome work out (2.5 miles jogging/walking), I ate healthy food in small portions (no cheating!), I even cleaned up my house, it was fantastic.  

Today is another story.  One too many sodas, cheating on my diet, and no work out.  I blame it on a very bad kid day, the stress just makes me forget about all the things I want to do.  I wallow in self pity, pick on myself, and then feel even worse for cheating and not working out (it is a vicious cycle).

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to stick to my plan for more than a few days at a time.  I think that is my biggest hurdle I need to get over.  Although I am thankful that I can start over, on a daily basis if needed.

My sister-in-law wants some support getting of soda, so I am going to do that with her.  God knows I need to get off for good, and quit yo-yoing.  I have tried a few times this year, but maybe this can be my first new year's resolution, get off soda and STAY off!

Weekly Weigh-In

Today I weighed-in at 197lbs.  I gained a little from last week.  I am such a yo-yo, up and down, up and down.  

To be fair (or unfair to me) I have not been sticking to my rules.  I have no will power. :(

SO, this week I am gonna start over (yet again).  Hopefully with a renewed focus, I really am so tired of being plumpy.  

I am going to track my running, by minutes and miles, and try to add a little bit on every week. This week my goal is to get up to 2 miles fast paced walking, and 1 mile jogging.

Rules for this week:

*No eating past 8pm.

*Sticking to my Medi-Fast and Detox Diet

*Some type of workout everyday

*No soda... I will be forever working on this, forever.  But I think for now I really need to get off it.

*Drinking more water

Here I go, again... Meh.

Honolulu Marathon

I am so sad today.  Today was the Honolulu Marathon that I was SUPPOSED to run.  I gave myself all year to train and get ready... and I wasted it.  I am not even any closer this year than I was last year... well maybe a teeny tiny bit closer. 

I am just such a bad runner.  I don't know how to get past that first hurdle.  The longest I have ever run without stopping was .7  of a mile (like 12 minutes).  Sucky.  I want to push myself to go longer, and farther... but I am a big baby I guess.  

Next year, I really want to do it next year.  I really really do.