So, I am mad.

I am mad, tired, frustrated, stuck.  I feel like I have no control.  

I have two kids, two adorable little boys, who only like to eat junk food.  And I am not exaggerarting, I can count the times I have seen them eat a fruit or veggetable.  I have been slowly weeding out all the bad food that they love, and forcing them to make better choices (Jason too).  We got the hot dogs out of the house that Clark used to eat for breakfst lunch and dinner, and NO more Ramen!!!  I let them have fries, but only when we eat out.  So right now they are living on chicken nuggets, crackers, noodles and pretzels (I am slowly working on adding whole wheat noodels to the noodle pot).  

Anyway, it is a work in progress, and I know Jason and I haven't been the best example, but we are trying.  

Lat night I made a healthly dinner, super healthy.  Baked chicken and potatoes, with broccoli, califlower and carrots, all seasonsed with garlic and pepper, one of my favorite meals.  I knew the boys would be hungry, they had no afternoon snacks, and Jason took them to play at the park, so they should've been starving.  I figured, hoped, prayed that if they just tried a bite they would reason that even thought it looks funny, it taste really good.  We sat down to dinner (I love eating at the table as a family, the nights I can convince them to join me) and no one ate anything.  Nothing.  I was so confused, until I got it out of Jason that he took them to McDonalds after the park, and they all had a mini dnner before they came home for the food I worked for the last hour to cook. 

  I was sad.

Sad because it is unfair on a parentling level.  

Jason always gets to be the fun dad and I have to be the mean mom.  

Sad because I finally realized what I was up against...  

I have NO support in my house when I try to make POSITIVE changes.  NONE. I have to do everything by myself.  Jason can go on and on about how much he supports me or wants things to change. But I have to figure out how to do it all by myself, with him and two tiny munchkins fighting me the whole way.

I feel it the mostly with the deit and food stuff in our house, but it is apparent everywhere else as well. Disciplining our kids, trying to get them on better scheldules, budgeting, keeping up the house and yard work.  I am responsible for everything. Yet, at the same time, Jason likes to play the boss.  So I feel no control over what needs to be accomplished, yet all the responsibly to do it.  It is maddening. And it is a fight I can't win.  One we have been having for years.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I try to tell him how I feel, we talk, I yell, I cry, we try to talk again.  I keep trying and there is no win.  He doesn't see that his ideas, plans and strategies to improve are life are not working.  We are not going forward. 

I just want to wake up in the morning and feel like I have some control over my day. That I can decide what we are going to have for dinner, and everyone will be happy I made it and eat it.  That I can go for a walk/jog without worrying that the house is going to be ripped to shreds, with the boys being negelcted while I am gone.  I want to feel like the effort I put into things is working and worth something.  I want some support in my dieting choices.  Is it so hard to just NOT buy icecream and junk every time you go to the store?!

I love my family. I want us to move forward, as a team.  I want some support and control, with my decisions and life.  I want to feel better about my life, instead of wanting to sleep through the day.  I have been so incredibly blessed in my life, I am beyond thankful for everything I have and hold dear.  But is it too much to ask that we NOT be complacent with our life, but strive to be better than we already are. 

Bah-humbug.  Looks like it is time for another LONG walk. 

 I just hope I can get some time to myself today.