Its all in the look.

The other day I had a doctors appointment.  The nurse was taking my vitals and what not, and she asked me, "How much do you weigh?".  To which I replied, "200".  (Which is a little lie, I weight 197...but it is 3 pounds, who is really counting, oh yeah I am.)  Then with her eyes squinted she looked me up and down, and up and down again, and gave me a look that obviously meant... I don't believe you. Gah!

Now, I would like to think that she didn't believe me because I look so trim and fit (ha bloody ha), but I am sure she thought I was fatter, and was lying to save face.  

It was just one look, and yet to me it meant a thousand things.  

It reminded me of all the times when I was younger and thinner, when people would look at me...  I never thought what about they were thinking, it never even crossed my mind.  Maybe I might feel a little flattered, because I knew I looked cute that day, or got an awesome outfit.  (There are no cute outfits for us plumpy girls.)  But now, I am so insecure.  Why are you looking at me?  What are you thinking... Look at the plumpy girl, well at least she has a nice smile,  or I would never let myself get that fat, or why is she eating french fries when she should be eating a salad...

I hate that my weight has caused me to be so insecure, and not the outgoing person that I am.  I hate that I never really feel like myself, even with the dieting I feel like I am being someone else.  Not eating food I normally love, or trying new recipes.  Trying to be this fake healthy girl, who really just wants some fried chicken and Mexican food.  Trying to be this runner, when still after all these months I can't find any enjoyment in it, I have to force myself.  I am not a runner girl or an athletic girl.  I am a plumpy girl (who wishes she was skinny) who likes to curl up on the couch a read all day with snacks, or watch a great tv show with snacks.

I wish I could find a way to be myself, and still lose weight.  Snack and read and be lazy, yet still be a runner. And  a real runner, not the pathetic jogging that I do for ten minutes before I stop (cause I feel like I am gonna die).  I wish I could get secure in my body and not worry about every little look people give me. 

It is such a long road, I know.  I am not giving up, NOT at all.  I am just searching for a happy medium.  Some way to get what I want, without totally changing who I am.

GO! FIGHT! WIN!