I think he likes me more....

I think Jason likes me more when I don't diet.  

He is all to willing to by the junk food and fast food.  In fact, he is always buying me things I love to eat (soda, beef jerky, chips, chocolate) in a way to be sweet and nice.  

I hate it.  

I tell him I hate it, but he has a hard time hearing.  I don't know how to explain to him, that yes I love to eat good food (and not so good food), and I know you are just trying to me make me happy, but I would love it more if you supported me on not eating crap food and that would make me twice as happy.

I know I am not going to be able to do this diet thing if I don't have him on my side 100%.

Ugh, just one more thing to add to the list... magically change husband to be supportive and helpful, ha.

Mr. Blog, you are not helping. And, Oy the Stress.

This blog was supposed to be my helper to get healthy, and its not really helping anymore.  I just ignore it until I feel guilty, then I pay a little attention to it, then back to ignoring it. 

 The stress of the move is getting to me.  Getting to me bad.  I have no time to do anything.  Everyday I have a million things to do, and I feel like I have no time to do them.  

For the first time in years, I actually feel the need and want to work out.  Get all that stress and nervous energy out of my body.  And now I have no time to do it, unless I get up at 5 am, and well that is just not going to happen, not in a million years.  Especially when I only get like 6-7 hours of sleep a night.  

(Maybe I need to start making it happen.  Maybe, just maybe.  We will see tomorrow.)

I feel so unhealthy.  I am really trying to eat smaller portions, and healthier things.  But in reality I know I am not doing good enough, and that make me more stressed, and a little sad.

Blah. That is how I feel.  Just blah.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, even when I was pregnant with my kids.

I am embarrassed to go home, for people to look me, and judge me.

Also...

My kids are driving me crazy. CRAZY.  I don't know how I am going to survive this move with them.  I swear at least 60% of my stress is from them.  Harry, and all his new issues.  Clark and he endless amounts of energy, that causes so many messes and problems.  It is exhausting.

I need this move to hurry and be over. 

I want to be settled into my new house, in our new area.

I want to get my life back, and my health back.

ps.  I am back on soda.  It has been the only way I have gotten through the stress of the last couple weeks.  But in exchange for drinking my diet soda, once a day, I gave up cookies, potato chips, most forms of candy. 

Does it get easier?

I have been doing much better with my workouts! I am taking a MUCH NEEDED break from obsessing over what and how much I eat, and trying to concentrate on just the exercise, for now.  So for the past two weeks I have worked in a few walk/jogging sessions (3-4 miles).  Sometimes I take the kids in the stroller, which adds 75 pounds that I am pushing along, great workout.

BUT, I am wondering, when does it start to get easier??  I still don't like to do it.  In fact I hate it.  But I thought that the more I did,  the easier it would get, so I could go faster or longer.  

I am still dreaming of someday running a marathon, someday.  But just for now I would settle for running a mile without feeling like I am going to die.

All the things I can't have.

All this week I have been pumping myself up everyday to start a new diet.  And no matter how much I say I am going to, and how much I WANT to... I just have the hardest time.  I want to do the diet, I have started the beginning phases...but I just can't commit myself all the way.  All I keep thinking about is all the things I can not have anymore.  No more soda (for 6 weeks now, you would think I would be proud of myself...but I am just sad), no more chocolate, no treats, no pasta, no shave ice....nothing interesting.  I KNOW that all the indulging I have done in the past has gotten me to this point, and I REALLY do want to change.  I want to change with all of my heart, somedays it is all I can think about.  I make all these grand plans, diets to try, exercise programs to do...and still I never commit.  I get so angry that I have to make my family dinner, or watch them eat something I enjoy, while I choke down dry chicken and spinach.  I hate when we are on a drive and we stop at 7-11, and the most exciting thing I can get is a bruised apple or banana.  It is so unfair.  I miss drinking soda, or having a little dessert after dinner.  I want to have the will power to make the right choices, to get the body and health that I REALLY want.  BUT I also don't want to feel like I am missing out on everything, and giving up everything I enjoy.  It is such a back and forth battle.  I am wishing I can find something, or someone to give me that push I need, support to just stay on track, and stay focused for the end game.