Focus

I feel like I am lacking focus in my life.  I flit from one thing to another.  One day I am obsessed with running a marathon (seriously, someday it is going to happen) so all I do is running things... I read about running, running blogs, running magazines, running shoes, I make lists and plans, I run.  Then my back hurts, or I skip a day, and my focus changes.  The next day it is about reading... I am just not reading enough, and my book blogs suck, and why can't I be a better book blogger- a professional book blogger...in fact why can't I be a better writer period!  The next day it is photography, and why can't I take better pictures, or find an affordable class, or why can't I be as good Ms. Fancypants over there.  Diet, exercise, child care, decorating my house (and my utter lack of craftiness), the list goes on and on.   Always the same routine.  I focus and obsess about things, until I start to make myself feel bad for not being as good as so and so, or not reaching the goals I set for myself, then I go on to something else.  Searching for something to be the best at, to be validated for my hard work and passion.  (And not something lame, like I am super awesome at watching too much tv.)  I feel like a loser sometimes.  I am 30 years old, and haven't really done anything with my life.  I look at all these younger people around me, and the amazing things that they have done...and wonder why did I, DO I still, squander so much of my time and energy.
I want to make some changes in my life, I am going to make some changes.  I am going to focus on 1 or 2 things at a time.  Once I feel like I have succeeded, or made a good habit, then I can move to something else.
First things first, RUNNING.  I have been enjoying the C25K program I started (when I actually do it), and I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just need to stay with it, and push myself a little harder (read- NO more skipping days, or ahem... weeks).  I am not going to obsess about my diet (for now), or losing weight, just running.
Second, ROUTINE.  I have never been very good at having myself, Jason, or my kids on a schedule.  I let the boys eat and sleep whenever they want (which most nights means they are up until 12:30am).  I laze about, playing, reading, doing whatever, letting things pile up around me, then spend a stressful day or two trying to get everything back in order...wash, rinse, repeat.  There is no order in our life, which leads to stress and contention.  Clark and Harry need the structure, especially the older they are getting, and I need to feel like I have some control in my life.
Slowly I hope I can get my life to where I want it, and feel successful.

What is Perfection???

I found this blog this morning.  I was supposed to be checking my email and facebook, real fast, but I clicked this link, and got hooked.  I read for 2 straight hours.   

This post really made think about my own life, and all the expectations I heap upon myself.  

About how much I beat myself up on a daily basis for not meeting these expectations.  

And how I treat my family... I don't ever want them to feel less than the amazingly perfect people they are.  We all have different gifts and talents to offer each other, myself included

 (no matter how hard it is for me to admit). 

I have a messy house, 

and for the life of me I can't seem to decorate it super cute like the ladies in my chruch.  

I am overweight, and rarely floss my teeth. I pick my nose.  I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband.  

I am not perfect, far from it.  

BUT;

 neither is that lady I envied the other day for her perfectly decorated and clean house, 

neither is the tiny little Mom I saw trying on her size 4 jeans, 

neither is Mr. and Mrs. So and So and their seemingly perfect marriage.

I know I am rambling now, but I guess what I am trying to say is... reading this post today really opened my eyes to how I treat myself and others.  I am really going to try to be loving, supportive and tolerant, to everyone around me, and not judge so quickly.  

I am going to be a better friend, mother, wife.

Click the link below, and take a minute to read the post,
it is thought provoking.

ps.  On this same blog, there is an equally important/moving post about bullying, READ IT!

Meh.

Went jogging today.

It sucked.

Someday, I hope and pray that it doesn't suck.

Please, someone tell me that it will get easier.

NOT looking forward to my workout tomorrow.

But, I am going to do it anyway.

I hope.

Weird

I feel so weird lately, well the last 5 days or so.  I am achy and sore...mostly my back.  I am exhausted all the time, which I know mostly has to do with my kids getting up a lot a night, and the stress of trying to get the house running smoothly (with NO help).  I don't feel like I am getting sick.  I just feel odd.  And the past two days I have gotten the worst migraine headaches, which makes doing anything, painful, especially exercise.  I want to get out and resume my C25K program, or at least get some fresh air and go on a walk.  I was actually starting to make some progress, albeit slow, with the jogging.  Meh.  We'll see.  I will give it another day or so.  Harry has had a fever for the past couple days, so maybe we are all coming down with something...

What the WHAT???

So,

I don't know if my scale is broken,

or the scale I was using before was broken,

or the weight loss Gods have finally decided to send me a little love...

But I have somehow magically lost 20 pounds.

I don't know if I believe it, but I am going with it for now.

Wouldn't you :)

I think it is time for a new, digital scale.

I don't feel as if I have lost any weight at all, 

(which only confirms that this is all some kind of cruel prank).

I was hoping 20 pounds would at least make my clothes a little looser. 

We'll see...

C25K

Here is the new thing I am doing...

Couch To 5K

And I am really excited about it!!

I am only about a couple days in, but so far so good.  It didn't think it would be so hard,

60 seconds of running psh, easy.  But I am so incredibly out of shape, that it is kicking my butt.

I take the boys with me when I do my walk/jogs and push them in the double stroller.  I am hoping that this will build up my strength and endurance, so when I do get to run by myself it is much easier.

I am, like always, working towards a marathon (or at the very least a 1/2 marathon) next year.  

But for now, I do have a couple of 5k races lined up in October and November that I hope I can be ready for.

I really want to do this!

Also, I am going to be signing up for a couple classes in the evening next month, a yoga one for sure, and then maybe a spin class.  

Go! Fight! Win!

A New Motivation

I found a new motivation today, 

not that my last one wasn't good enough, 

but the more the merrier, right ;)

I just unpacked 3 boxes of winter clothes, that we had packed away while we lived in Hawaii

(you don't need winter clothes when it is 80 degrees year-round).

None of them fit, NONE!

Operation: Get April Into Her Winter Clothes, starts tomorrow.

I got up this morning, at 5am!, to go for a jog before Jason went to work, but it was still dark.  So, tomorrow morning, after the kids have breakfast, we will start the first of many daily walk/jogs.

I am going to map out a 2/3 mile route tonight.  The plan is to take the kids on a walk (walking for now, working up to jogging) at least 5 days of the week, in addition to the gym membership that I will be getting next month.

I wanna have a baby!

I have decided that I am ready to have another baby! 

Yes, I am serious.

It is not really a big surprise, we haven't exactly kept it a secret that we want a big family, at least 4 kids... maybe 5, 

MAYBE.  

Harry is turning 2 at the end of this month, and well... it's time.

But,

(and its a really BIG butt, cause it's mine!)

I need to lose some weight, get into shape, and just get healthier overall.

With both of my previous pregnancies the doctors made mention of me being over-weight.  One doctor (whom shall remain nameless... just kidding I can't even remember his dumb name) even went as far as to call me OBESE!  I am not joking.  The funny thing about it was I was only 175 lbs, I would be pretty happy if I could get down to that weight again.
We aren't going to start "trying" right away.  We need to get settled in our new area, get things figured out for Clark and Harry (school, doctors, therapists, ect...) and save a little bit of money (or pay down on our credit card).  So, maybe early next year sometime.
(I am really so excited!  A tiny little baby!  A little baby brother or sister for the boys!)
 Which means I have about 4-6 months to get into shape.  I have already started lowering my calorie intake, after the binge fest that was our summer vacation, but need to work on better eating choices.  I am also going to start walking/running again.  The rest of this month (September) I am going to take it easy, while we finish unpacking and sort out our life here.  I don't do well with stress (I have already been having a ton of anxiety) so I don't want to pile too much on my plate.  Come October 1st I will be ready (I hope, I hope) to go all out!  I am even going to try to find a small 5k race to run, give me something to work towards.