Its too hard.

Well, it is Day 2.
Yesterday I did NOT keep to my diet or do any working out.  Boo. (I did however stay off soda, so that is good).
Today... so far so good.  I am staying on track as far as my diet goes.  And I even attempted my Jillian Michaels workout video, which by the way was total HELL.  It is 20 minutes of intense strength training, cardio, and ab workouts.  She has you do multiple moves at once, like squats with bicep curls.  Nice in theory, not awesome when you have to do it.  I couldn't even finish the whole workout, I felt like throwing up.  I knew I was out of shape, but didn't realize how bad it was.  It is way bad.  I don't know how I am going to do this everyday.  I feel sick and weak, like a giant wobbly jelly roll (which by the way, makes me think of jelly rolls and now I am hungry). Just thinking of having to do it again tomorrow makes me want to cry.  I though exercising was supposed to give you more energy, I feel like I can hardly move, and I am so drained.
I am determined.  I really am.  I am going to keep the goals I made, don't ask me how. I just wish that I didn't feel like it was so impossible.

Weekly Weigh-In and Goals

Weekly Weigh-In

215 lbs.

How is it possible that I gained 3 pounds, especially since I cut out soda and half the junk that I eat.  Boo!

I really wish I had a more accurate, digital scale.

Goals Kept This Week:

I spent all week getting off of soda...

DONE!

Next Weeks Goal:

1. Walk 3 miles (or more) per day, at least 5 days out of the week.

2. Do my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video, at least 6 days out of the week.

3. Do my detox diet (link on the side bar). No cheating!

4. Stay OFF of soda and sugary all beverages, except Crystal Light.

5. Drink LOTS of water.

Alright, here I go.

Just like an alcoholic.

So, it took ALL week, and I am still feeling the PAIN, but I am OFF caffeine!  

AGAIN.  

And this time, just like an alcoholic, I am not going back, not even for one sip.  It is too hard getting off, the headaches, and irritability, and sadness... I am so sad without my daily Diet Mt. Dew.  I know it is a step in the right direction, and hopefully I am going to start feeling the positive effects of not "drinking" any more.  

That was this week.

Next week, I am going to re-start the detox diet I tried late last year (the one I got from my Dad).  I am not looking forward to the massive amount of veggies, with NO salt.  But I did have success last time, so I am just going to keep reminding myself of that.

Jason also bought me this double jogging stroller!!  I am going to walk to Clark's school (1.5 miles away, so 3 miles round-trip) to pick him up everyday...and maybe some days, when I am feeling ambitious I am going to take him to school too.

I also got this workout video, it looks hardcore!  I am excited to try it.  I am going to start with just a  couple days a week, and then work up to everyday.

That is the plan.  I am good at making plans, too good.

Not so good at keeping said plans...

I know I have said this SO MANY TIMES, but I am just sick and tired of the WIEGHT.  It is weighing me down, and making me depressed. 

I just have to keep reminding myself, one step at a time...

and DON'T GIVE UP.

Uninspired...and then maybe a little inspired.

I have been so UNINSPIRED lately.  I don't feel like doing anything.  Everything is a chore, everything.  I don't want to read.  I don't want to blog.  I don't want to take pictures.  Last, but not least...I don't want to work out.  Unfortunately, I do want to eat...and sleep.
I take Zoloft for my depression.  I HATE taking it, but it does help, a lot.  I have recently ran out of my last prescription, and I know my body is just adjusting.  I have decided to not take anything for awhile.  I want to fight this the old fashion way... working out, being active and productive and eating better (Tom Cruise would be so proud).  I am going to start working out twice a day.  It might involve walking Clark to and from school, my workout video, or just hoofin' it on the treadmill...but I will be doing it twice a day.

Over the weekend I watched this new show, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.  I am all about eating fresh, home cooked meals.  I nag Jason almost constantly about how much processed food, and take out we eat and feed the boys, and how much I HATE it. I only managed to get Jason to watch half of the show with me...BUT I did convince him to let me redo our dinner menus and limit our eating out to twice a month.  Also, no more soda in the house, no more chicken nuggets and ramen for the boys, or cookies, hotdogs or mac and cheese.  I am going to cook all our meals from scratch.  They are not going to be happy, especially Clark, who likes to have Ramen for breakfast...but it is SO important that we do this as a family.

So, here I am hopelessly uninspired.  Trying little by little to get inspired. I need to do something.  Anything.  I am getting plumpier and chubbier.  Seriously, I went to the doctor over the weekend and I weigh...212 lbs!  I want to be healthy again and fit.  I want to run and have energy.  I want to change myself, better myself and maybe, just maybe inspire someone else.

The one where I tell you I am going to start over on my diet (really this time), but only after Clark's birthday cake is all gone.

Ugh. Meh. Blah. Gah. Bitch. Moan.

I need to get my butt back in gear. I have gained more wieght. 208lbs!

Yikes.

It makes me so sad... but I guess not sad enough to actually do anything about it. I hate being fat, I hate it. I am so embarrassed all the time, and I don't ever feel like MYSELF.

I am really wanting to start over this coming week. I am so tired of telling myself I am going to, and then not. So, this Monday I am going to do it. I know I will feel so much better, whether I have success or not, as long as I am trying.

I also want to plan to run a 5k this summer. I am not sure which one yet, cause we will be in the process of moving. But I am going to find one tomorrow (so stayed tuned).

My new workout/running routine will be:

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1/2 mile-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 mile-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 2 miles-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2, then run for 2 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

As so on until I get up to 5 miles. After that I will re-evaluate my training, and maybe find a longer race... half marathon??!!

Ok, here I go...AGAIN.

I am so tired of starting over, and quitting.

Night time snacking.

Well, I have good news and bad news....

The good news is, I am OFF of soda again. 5 days so far, with nothing but water or Crystal Light. And this time I am really going to try to stay off, really.

The bad news is, I am not doing very well sticking to my diet. I can do it all day, ALL DAY. No cheating. But as soon as dinner is over, I am ravenous. I want to eat anything and everything. From 6pm until I go to bed is the worst for me. I try having extra glasses of water, herbal tea, snacking on some baby carrots or nuts, but none of it is satisfying enough to curb that gnawing feeling in my stomach. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, or how to fix it. I am eating plenty of protein and veggies through out the day, but as soon as the night hits...yikes. Any suggestions?

This next week I am going to try to step up my workouts. At least 4 days this week.

I have been pretty off and on with this diet and exercise thing lately, I really want to get back in the groove.

Bah!

Today Jason informed me that he didn't buy our tickets for the Great Aloha Run, nor was he planning to (because surprise surprise, he messed up our monthly budget again). BAH!

After first I was relieved, then upset, back to relived, and now just confused.

I am relieved, because I was probably going to end up walking most of it, which would have taken ALL DAY. I am not doing any better with my running. I can run up to 1/2 a mile, but then I just can't make myself go anymore. (I usually add about another mile or two of walking.) I am upset because this is our last few months in Hawaii, most likely we are never gonna live here again, or even visit for a very long time. I wanted my first race (hopefully first of many) to be in Hawaii. While I am going back and forth, trying to decide on what stance to take... I realize I am just confused... I don't really know what I want. How did I except to run it anyway, when I never keep my goals??? As much as I try/want to make myself BE, I am just not that running athletic girl.

For the past several weeks, I have been telling myself everyday I am going to do this, or that...and yet I never do. It ranges to everything from, cleaning my house and getting caught up on laundry, to taking the kids to the park, to re-starting my diet, to finishing the hundreds of projects I have started...BAH!

I feel like I need some kind of re-boot, or even jump start. A week ALL BY MYSELF, to get caught up, and then start fresh. A good nights sleep, with out having nightmares of little Haitian orphans. A day where I can manage not to drink five too many diet Mt. Dews. A week to have my house clean, go to church, FINISH a book, and slowly try to brainwash my self... (no April, you do not like junk food, April spinach is your best friend, April you can survive on 1000 calories a day, and NO soda, April exercise is for WINNERS and naps are for LOSERS).

So, here I go again. Someday THIS WEEK, I am going to restart my diet and exercise. And I say someday, so that I can't beat myself up when I don't start til Saturday. Bah, why is it so hard...

Starting Over

I am starting over...for reals this time. Seriously.

I am starting the Detox diet tomorrow. Daily work outs. Only one can of soda a day. At least 48-64 ounces of water a day (with my low calorie, sugar free mix-ins). No sugar, or salt. Treats= sugar free gum, my daily soda, or 1 serving of fruit a day. Daily multi-vitamin and plenty of outside time.

Here I go. For real. I am tired of being a fatty. I would like to lose 5 lbs. a month. I would like to work on my running, marathon (or really slow 5k) here I come.