Before...

My before pictures.

July 19, 2009

204 lbs.  (Yikes!)

I wanted a side view picture too.

I finally weighed myself today, after putting it off for almost two weeks.  Two weeks of cheating and convincing myself not to work out.  I am finally back on track!  (Not even a little tempted to eat that delicious chocolate cake in the fridge, ok ok a little tempted to have it for breakfast tomorrow, but I am going to hold fast.)  Jay and I cleaned out our bedroom and made room for our treadmill, which has been living in the boys' closet for the past 1 1/2 years, so now I have NO excuse not to work out every single day.  

Back to the weigh in, my grand total is...204 pounds, the absolute heaviest I have ever been.  Even when I was pregnant with both my babies, I never got above 200.  I thought it would be harder for me...to see those numbers on the scale, I never wanted to be above 200, EVER, it was like one of those milestones I hoped I would NEVER reach.  But for some reason I am fine with it.  I got myself here, ALL by myself...and I know I am on the right track to get it off...slowly but surely.  

I am hoping by next year, on my birthday to be down 50 lbs.  I know that is a huge amount to try for, and not even my goal weight...but if I am going to do it, I want to do it right.

Square One

I feel like I am all the way back at square one again.  I had a great week last week...not very much working out, but otherwise keeping on track.  Then came the weekend, and my birthday, and now I am officially off the wagon (and enjoying a lovely plate of french fries and chicken nuggets while I am at it).  Why when I cheat, or over indulge do I take so long to get back to the plan?  I know life it gonna be full of slip-ups and starting over....but does it really need to be this daunting for me.  Geez, it was just a day...ok mostly the whole weekend, but I really didn't go overboard as much as I could have.  

I am still not doing well with the working out.  Nothing!  Combine my hatred for anything not involving sitting on the couch, or at the beach, and my lack of free time...I have plenty of two kids hanging all over me time, or chores up my butt time, I just have NO free time.  Does vacuuming twice a day count as  exercise...cause most days that is what I have to do, and I do work up a sweat.  

So, once again back to square one.  And hoping to stay on the wagon for more than a week this time.

Stay tuned for my before pictures and weight...oh yea, I am gonna get on a scale, let's all pray it doesn't break.

Left over birthday cake....

Need I say more???

It is gonna be a long day.

Breakfast of Champions

I am not a big breakfast eater, in fact I don't even like breakfast foods....unless it is a giant sticky bun loaded with nuts, or a chilly can of diet coke (and my last goal says I can't have that anymore) I am just not interested.  I know how important eating a good meal at the start of the day is, it jumps starts your metabolism, and sets you up for success or failure for the rest of the day.  So I have been searching for something healthy that I could eat every morning.  I tried yogurt, but I really just hate it.  I don't like the texture or the smell and I would gag every time I would try to eat it, and besides it wasn't filling enough to get me through the morning.  I tried healthy cereals, but unless they are coated in sugar I just have no interest.  I was going crazy and hungry...

Then I found these little whole wheat tortillas at the store, high in fiber, low in carbs and only 50 calories.  Delicious!  So, for the past few mornings I have been making me this very tasty and healthy breakfast burrito.  It goes like this;

1 scrambled egg with pepper and salt

1 small handful of black beans

1 even smaller handful of left over veggies (onions, peppers, tomatoes...anything left over from the night before)

1 sprinkle of fat free cheddar cheese

1 tbsp of salsa

All piled on top my little whole wheat tortilla, yum-o!

You know what they say about having a healthy well rounded breakfast...that it will keep you full longer through out the morning, that it will help you reduce you snacking through out the day, and give you more energy...well guess what, IT'S TRUE.  I have been converted, this breakfast skipper is now a full blown breakfast eater.  Now, I just have to get off my bum and work out!

Day 1

No caffeine or soda.

I have done this before, many times, and last time I even made it like 6 months...but Jason loves to buy soda and always gets me hooked again.  It is going to be a particularly hard weekend to start, with birthday my festivities coming up.  But today is always a better day to start than tomorrow.

Reading and waiting.

I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot.  Weight loss sites and blogs, food recipes and blogs, running blogs...on and on.  And I have come to the conclusion that I need to pick a diet plan.  And more importantly I need to keep a daily food journal.  I need something with rules and structure, and results.  I should probably buy a scale and weigh myself too...maybe that would get my butt in gear.

I am not really doing good on my little goals right now, not good at all.  

I feel hungry all the time.  I fill myself up on salad, and veggies, getting all the food groups in...and within the next hour I am already thinking of what I can eat next.  I made a delicious batch of oatmeal cookies the other day, and even though I eat only one at a time, I eat them 20 times a day (I have grounded myself from making any cookies for a while).  So, I figure keeping a food journal will shame me into eating better.  I can't find a minute to get out of the house, or prepare a healthy meal.  I recorded like 5 hours of different exercise shows, but Clark screams anytime I turn something on that was not made by Pixar.  I even got up this morning at 5:00 am to go workout, only to find out Jay had to go in early and was leaving in 10 minutes (why he didn't tell me the night before, or while I was getting dress I will never know).  

It seems like everything is against me, road block after road block.  It makes me so angry that I can't just say...this is what I want to do, and then do it.  I always have to wait...wait for the kids to go to bed (and they never do), wait for Jason to come home, wait until we have some extra money (and we NEVER do), wait until we move...always waiting.  Waiting for something to happen, that will change things.  Even though I know I am the only one who can change things.

I need something to kick start me into gear.  Something to push me over the edge.  Cause even though I want these things, and changes....and just can't commit and start doing them.

It's all in the name.

So, I changed my name...of the blog. 

 I liked 'Fat People Suck' at first cause I thought it was edgy and funny.  But then I realized that I'm not edgy (not even a little) and it was maybe a little funny but mostly mean.  I don't discriminate yo, I love all sorts of people...and I am just not a hater.  I like my new name, it better describes what this blog is all about....my chubby life.

Stay tuned for My Super Hot Model Life ;)

April Downer

Okay, okay.  It has come to my attention that I have been being quiet the downer.  I don't mean to come across as so depressed and tragic.  I have just been trying to be more honest with myself.  I have always kept that side of myself private.  I don't like to be a burden to people, or sit and complain and complain...that is not me.  But I have learned that if I keep going on like everything is good and happy, then my life is never going to make the positive changes that I want.  

Over the past few years my life has gone through some major changes, moving too far from home, becoming a mother of two, going from a two income household to a very small one income house hold, and a husband that expends any reserve a patience I might have (seriously, if you want to find the root of most of my problems and stress it is Jason...and yet despite it all, I love him).  I welcomed all these changes, and I love them...but I did not deal with them well.  It was a little too much for me.  And I kept it all inside, trying to be the hippy happy April that I always was.  That is not working anymore.  I want to make some changes in my life, good changes, and it is gonna be a little rough and salty at first.  But just wait!  In a year when I am skinny and beautiful and more famous than Stephanie Meyer, you will be happy you made this journey with me.  All the ups and downs will be worth it, and you will know me all the better because of it.

So, to review.  I am ok, I am not going to kill myself.  I love my chubby life, despite all the ups and downs...I have been truly blessed.  But I am not who I want to be right now, I have so much more potential and I am gonna find it. 

Love ya all.

It's just too hard.

Come on!!!!  Why can't I do this?  I can't even go a day keeping my goals.  I am just too tired and unmotivated.  I keep silently screaming to myself to do something, anything...but yet here I sit making excuse after excuse, trying to remind myself how much I want this.  I am willing to work for it, but why can't I just start.

I am going to make a (yet another) doctors appointment next week.  Hopefully someone will hear what I am saying and give me some relief.  I know that half of my problems with my health and my fatness...come from my depression and anxiety.  Yet, even knowing that does nothing to change it.  It is the worst feeling ever.  It is like old April is back there in my head, being my same old self, trying to get on with things...but a mean, sadder, and moodier April has taken over.  And she doesn't let me do anything I want, she makes me say the most horrible things, and every time I start to make any progress what so ever she pushes me down and kicks me a lot.  She is such a bitch.  

Maybe my first goal needs to be geared more towards mental health.  Find a doctor who will help me, and even someone to talk to.  Find out why I eat so much, and why I am so sad and angry all the time.  Because I don't think I am going to make any progress when I am stuck in the rut.   I am so scared.  I never have any luck with doctors, never.  But I am really not going to give up this time.

Where to start?

I feel like I am standing at the bottom of an incredibly tall and rocky mountain.  It is a little cloudy and dark so I can't even see the top, but I know it is high and steep.  It's one of those mountains that takes your breath away with just thought of having to climb it.  I can see a couple trails, but they look too daunting, long and curvy, steep and just impossible.  I don't know where to start, where to put that first step.  I know it is NOT going to be a short journey, it is gonna take me forever and I know I am going to have to start over a million times (just like I already did this morning, when I had Pepsi and Cheetos for breakfast).  But where do I start?

I need to start small, little goals.  Something not too impossible for me to keep.  Day by day seems too tedious...and besides I don't have enough time to log on everyday and chart my progress (and not even I want to read about everything I ate for the day-blah).  A friend once told me that losing weight is 80% what you eat and only 20% exercise.  Which is kinda good news, cause I loathe to exercise...but I am really gonna need to work on what and HOW MUCH I eat.

So, I think my first two goals will be:

First, to limit the amount of food I eat.  Smaller meals, six times a day (unlike my smaller meals 10-12 times a day that I manage to eat now).  I am not going to worry too much about what I do eat (for now) but will try to keep it all fresh and the least amount of sugar as possible.  My biggest problem when it comes to food is I like to eat too much.  I love to cook these huge meals, huge, and I pile my plate.  Nothing makes me happier and content than a warm full stomach.  I need to find someway to be content with less, smaller portions.  So for the next couple weeks, I will work on having smaller portions.  I will also do some research on calorie counting.  I know how to count calories if I get my food from the box, but not really if I make my food from scratch (which I like to do).  I will also figure out how many calories I am going to eat a day.  I am not sure if I am gonna try a certain diet or what.  I have never really had any luck with diets...but certain things will have to go.

Second, walking.  I hate to exercise, I HATE it.  I never feel better when I do, I only feel tired and hot and sweaty.  I can think of a million other things I would rather be doing.  But nothing is ever going to be accomplished (least of all my dream to run a marathon) if I don't get off my butt sooner or later.   I am gonna start with 3-5 miles, 4 days a week, and only walking for now (later I will add running...I actually have a routine worked out -for the marathon- but it is gonna take a while to get there).  One of the hard things in my house is WHEN can I even find the time to exercise.  Jason gets home so late, right when it is time to start cooking dinner an winding down for the night.  I would love to be able to go out during the day, but we live in a dangerous traffic neighborhood, with no sidewalks, and I can't imagine a worse place to try walking with a double stroller.  So evenings it must be, and I am going to start today.

Well, those are my little goals, my baby steps.  Just for the next couple weeks, until (hopefully) they become habits.  Habits I can slowly build upon, until I reach the top of this impossible mountain.

Write it down, make it happen.

In the hopes of making my dreams and goals reality, I am writing them down, and committing to them.  There is so much I would love to do, some as easy as getting up off the couch and just doing , and others requiring years of saving and preparation.  So without further ado my bucket list;

Travel Europe...Scotland, Germany, Italy, England.

Sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir...like join it, you know.

Learn to knit, and make my family matching hats and scarves.

Run a marathon.  I would like my first one to be the Honolulu Marathon, but I am not that picky.  I just want to be a runner.

Write a book.

Make quilts, I want to be a quilter.

Swim with the sharks. 

Own a home...our own home.

Learn to speak another language...Spanish, French, I am not to sure yet?

Write a book that doesn't suck.

Go sky diving.

Get a Masters Degree in anything.

Go to Africa.

Be debt free, and financially secure

Have a big family...maybe 4 or 5 kids.  Ahh, did I just say that out loud!?

Be a guest judge on the Iron Chef America.

Road Trip across America.

Well, that is a start.  I got a lot of planning and working to do.  I am so over new year's resolutions...they never work out for me.  I think from now on I am just going to have my own birthday resolutions, keep track of my year to year progress.  My birthday is coming up, and as I think about turning 29 this year... I also start thinking of all I want to do before I turn 30.  I feel as if I haven't accomplished much with my 29 years, aside from my gorgeous family.  And I really want to do and be so much more.  Now, what first on my list, hmmmm.

My First Fatty Blog

I am fat.  I am unhealthy and uncomfortable in my own body.  I hate it every morning when I get up, and everynight as I fall asleep.  My clothes are tight, I tire easily and my body aches.  I need to do something...anything.  

So, since I like to blog (and I am working on my writing) I wanted to start my OWN blog.  Only about ME...not my kids, not my family...just me.  My journey through my fat world to and healthier and skinnier world.  I need a little accountability to keep me focused and on track.  No more lounging about dreaming of that size 6, and running that marathon...I am actually gonna do it.  Small goals at first, do-able goals.  

I need a plan of action...and I haven't really thought it all out yet.  This is a work in progress.  So that is my first goal, make a plan.  Eating plan, excersing plan...

I am really gonna do it this time.  Work on ME!  Fix me!  Get healthy, happy, skinny and free.