30 Day Challenge

I read a very inspiring blog post the other day,

 from one of my favorite people/bloggers (that I have actually never met).

Walk Before You Run

Did you read it??  See, INSPIRING!

I think that's always my problem with the goals I set out for myself,

I start too big, and then fizzle out.

I want to run 3 miles in one day, when I know I can't even do 1 mile.

Or even get my ass on the treadmill.

We had a little scare not last month.  Not a big deal, but I though I was pregnant.  And that wouldn't be a bad thing, far from it.  I was just scared, cause I realized I haven't done any of the things I wanted -and needed- to do before we have our next baby... like potty training Clark, running a 5K, dropping a few hundred pounds.  I've been doing well on the other little goals I set for myself, a couple months ago.  My family is on a better schedule and on the way to better eating habits (that is taking a bit longer since someone -Dad- is such a big baby and junk food-aholic). 

 I am just not doing well on my running goal.  

I am no where near, where I should be for the end of December.  

We (my friend and I) set the date for our first race!

March 18, 8K, here in Virginia Beach.  

So, I have a little over 3 months to train myself to run 5 miles.  

I know I can do it.  I just have to take baby steps to get there.  

I am not a fan of running, I really hate it.

Like totally 100%

But it is something I want to do with all of my heart.

(I've just got to get my body on board.)

I am going to do a 30 day challenge where I run/jog/walk really fast,

EVERYDAY!

I am allowing myself to take Sundays off, 

but I am jogging all the other six days of the week, 

for the next month, until Janurary1.

I am going to start the new year out right, ahead of a goal, on track!

And maybe this running everyday will help me develop a good habit, 

so that when I start pushing myself longer and harder, 

I will be able to stay on task, instead of just giving up.

I can't wait.  I really really am hoping I can do this!

Poofy

I have been feeling so poofy and bloated lately.
 I think it is because I have started drinking soda again.

Gasp! Shame. I know.

I know it is bad for me.  I know I shouldn't drink it.

But, the caffeiney goodness is just too good to pass up.

Not to mention I feel like a zombie most of the day if I don't have my morning Dew.

But alas, I am not liking this new extra poofy-ness.  

So, I have 9 cans left.  I will be rationing them out for the rest of them week, 

then I am DONE.

Yo, for reals this time.

(Please don't remind me that I have said this a million times before.)

I am gonna need all the help I can get if I am really going to run that 5k early next year.

I will miss you, soda-sody...you are my BFF,
and I really don't know how I am going to get on without you.
 Um... yea, I really don't.  Do ya'll have any suggestions???

Perfectly Inspiring, For All Occasions.

“When a battered, weary swimmer tries valiantly to get back to shore, after having fought strong winds and rough waves which he should never have challenged in the first place, those of us who might have had better judgment, or perhaps just better luck, ought not to row out to his side, beat him with our oars, and shove his head back underwater.”

~Jeffery R. Holland

Challenge Accepted

My friend asked me if I wanted to run a 5k with her early next year, 

and of course I said YES,

 since I was already kinda training...
and well you know how much I want to.  

We moved my tread mill into my bedroom, so I can't use the "its too cold" excuse to not go running, and I can also watch my shows while I run.  We have it planned to do a practice run in January, and then run a race down here in Virgina Beach in March or April.  I am excited.  

On a related note...

I am still not doing well with the running, my chubby body really really hates it.

But I am going to keep on, keeping on.

Focus

I feel like I am lacking focus in my life.  I flit from one thing to another.  One day I am obsessed with running a marathon (seriously, someday it is going to happen) so all I do is running things... I read about running, running blogs, running magazines, running shoes, I make lists and plans, I run.  Then my back hurts, or I skip a day, and my focus changes.  The next day it is about reading... I am just not reading enough, and my book blogs suck, and why can't I be a better book blogger- a professional book blogger...in fact why can't I be a better writer period!  The next day it is photography, and why can't I take better pictures, or find an affordable class, or why can't I be as good Ms. Fancypants over there.  Diet, exercise, child care, decorating my house (and my utter lack of craftiness), the list goes on and on.   Always the same routine.  I focus and obsess about things, until I start to make myself feel bad for not being as good as so and so, or not reaching the goals I set for myself, then I go on to something else.  Searching for something to be the best at, to be validated for my hard work and passion.  (And not something lame, like I am super awesome at watching too much tv.)  I feel like a loser sometimes.  I am 30 years old, and haven't really done anything with my life.  I look at all these younger people around me, and the amazing things that they have done...and wonder why did I, DO I still, squander so much of my time and energy.
I want to make some changes in my life, I am going to make some changes.  I am going to focus on 1 or 2 things at a time.  Once I feel like I have succeeded, or made a good habit, then I can move to something else.
First things first, RUNNING.  I have been enjoying the C25K program I started (when I actually do it), and I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I just need to stay with it, and push myself a little harder (read- NO more skipping days, or ahem... weeks).  I am not going to obsess about my diet (for now), or losing weight, just running.
Second, ROUTINE.  I have never been very good at having myself, Jason, or my kids on a schedule.  I let the boys eat and sleep whenever they want (which most nights means they are up until 12:30am).  I laze about, playing, reading, doing whatever, letting things pile up around me, then spend a stressful day or two trying to get everything back in order...wash, rinse, repeat.  There is no order in our life, which leads to stress and contention.  Clark and Harry need the structure, especially the older they are getting, and I need to feel like I have some control in my life.
Slowly I hope I can get my life to where I want it, and feel successful.

What is Perfection???

I found this blog this morning.  I was supposed to be checking my email and facebook, real fast, but I clicked this link, and got hooked.  I read for 2 straight hours.   

This post really made think about my own life, and all the expectations I heap upon myself.  

About how much I beat myself up on a daily basis for not meeting these expectations.  

And how I treat my family... I don't ever want them to feel less than the amazingly perfect people they are.  We all have different gifts and talents to offer each other, myself included

 (no matter how hard it is for me to admit). 

I have a messy house, 

and for the life of me I can't seem to decorate it super cute like the ladies in my chruch.  

I am overweight, and rarely floss my teeth. I pick my nose.  I yell at my kids, I yell at my husband.  

I am not perfect, far from it.  

BUT;

 neither is that lady I envied the other day for her perfectly decorated and clean house, 

neither is the tiny little Mom I saw trying on her size 4 jeans, 

neither is Mr. and Mrs. So and So and their seemingly perfect marriage.

I know I am rambling now, but I guess what I am trying to say is... reading this post today really opened my eyes to how I treat myself and others.  I am really going to try to be loving, supportive and tolerant, to everyone around me, and not judge so quickly.  

I am going to be a better friend, mother, wife.

Click the link below, and take a minute to read the post,
it is thought provoking.

ps.  On this same blog, there is an equally important/moving post about bullying, READ IT!

Meh.

Went jogging today.

It sucked.

Someday, I hope and pray that it doesn't suck.

Please, someone tell me that it will get easier.

NOT looking forward to my workout tomorrow.

But, I am going to do it anyway.

I hope.

Weird

I feel so weird lately, well the last 5 days or so.  I am achy and sore...mostly my back.  I am exhausted all the time, which I know mostly has to do with my kids getting up a lot a night, and the stress of trying to get the house running smoothly (with NO help).  I don't feel like I am getting sick.  I just feel odd.  And the past two days I have gotten the worst migraine headaches, which makes doing anything, painful, especially exercise.  I want to get out and resume my C25K program, or at least get some fresh air and go on a walk.  I was actually starting to make some progress, albeit slow, with the jogging.  Meh.  We'll see.  I will give it another day or so.  Harry has had a fever for the past couple days, so maybe we are all coming down with something...

What the WHAT???

So,

I don't know if my scale is broken,

or the scale I was using before was broken,

or the weight loss Gods have finally decided to send me a little love...

But I have somehow magically lost 20 pounds.

I don't know if I believe it, but I am going with it for now.

Wouldn't you :)

I think it is time for a new, digital scale.

I don't feel as if I have lost any weight at all, 

(which only confirms that this is all some kind of cruel prank).

I was hoping 20 pounds would at least make my clothes a little looser. 

We'll see...

C25K

Here is the new thing I am doing...

Couch To 5K

And I am really excited about it!!

I am only about a couple days in, but so far so good.  It didn't think it would be so hard,

60 seconds of running psh, easy.  But I am so incredibly out of shape, that it is kicking my butt.

I take the boys with me when I do my walk/jogs and push them in the double stroller.  I am hoping that this will build up my strength and endurance, so when I do get to run by myself it is much easier.

I am, like always, working towards a marathon (or at the very least a 1/2 marathon) next year.  

But for now, I do have a couple of 5k races lined up in October and November that I hope I can be ready for.

I really want to do this!

Also, I am going to be signing up for a couple classes in the evening next month, a yoga one for sure, and then maybe a spin class.  

Go! Fight! Win!

A New Motivation

I found a new motivation today, 

not that my last one wasn't good enough, 

but the more the merrier, right ;)

I just unpacked 3 boxes of winter clothes, that we had packed away while we lived in Hawaii

(you don't need winter clothes when it is 80 degrees year-round).

None of them fit, NONE!

Operation: Get April Into Her Winter Clothes, starts tomorrow.

I got up this morning, at 5am!, to go for a jog before Jason went to work, but it was still dark.  So, tomorrow morning, after the kids have breakfast, we will start the first of many daily walk/jogs.

I am going to map out a 2/3 mile route tonight.  The plan is to take the kids on a walk (walking for now, working up to jogging) at least 5 days of the week, in addition to the gym membership that I will be getting next month.

I wanna have a baby!

I have decided that I am ready to have another baby! 

Yes, I am serious.

It is not really a big surprise, we haven't exactly kept it a secret that we want a big family, at least 4 kids... maybe 5, 

MAYBE.  

Harry is turning 2 at the end of this month, and well... it's time.

But,

(and its a really BIG butt, cause it's mine!)

I need to lose some weight, get into shape, and just get healthier overall.

With both of my previous pregnancies the doctors made mention of me being over-weight.  One doctor (whom shall remain nameless... just kidding I can't even remember his dumb name) even went as far as to call me OBESE!  I am not joking.  The funny thing about it was I was only 175 lbs, I would be pretty happy if I could get down to that weight again.
We aren't going to start "trying" right away.  We need to get settled in our new area, get things figured out for Clark and Harry (school, doctors, therapists, ect...) and save a little bit of money (or pay down on our credit card).  So, maybe early next year sometime.
(I am really so excited!  A tiny little baby!  A little baby brother or sister for the boys!)
 Which means I have about 4-6 months to get into shape.  I have already started lowering my calorie intake, after the binge fest that was our summer vacation, but need to work on better eating choices.  I am also going to start walking/running again.  The rest of this month (September) I am going to take it easy, while we finish unpacking and sort out our life here.  I don't do well with stress (I have already been having a ton of anxiety) so I don't want to pile too much on my plate.  Come October 1st I will be ready (I hope, I hope) to go all out!  I am even going to try to find a small 5k race to run, give me something to work towards.

I am moving to the moon!

I know it has been forever since I last posted. 

We are moving, and on a sort-of vacation...visiting family and slowly heading towards Virginia (our new home).  I can't even begin to describe the amount of stress I've been under, so many little things everyday.  Not being in my own home with my own things, trying to keep the kids happy as we drag them all over the Southwest, not having time to do the things I enjoy... like reading and blogging (they really do help me relax and de-stress).  I am loving every minute of it, honestly I do, I am so thankful that we are able to travel like this and spend time together as a family....but it is also wearing me pretty thin.  Oh! And the junk food, so much junk food!  Soda for our road trips, fast food drive-thrus so we can get in a couple more hours of driving, and of-corse my Momma's and Granny's home cooked food.  

I have been gaining so much weight!  

Sad face.

We went to the Space and Air Museum, in Alamagordo New Mexico yesterday.  

I paid 25¢ to find out that I weighed 226.3 pounds!

Holy freaking cow!

That is too much.

Another sadder face.

I also found out that I would weigh 88.6 pounds on the moon.

I think I am moving to the moon now.

I think he likes me more....

I think Jason likes me more when I don't diet.  

He is all to willing to by the junk food and fast food.  In fact, he is always buying me things I love to eat (soda, beef jerky, chips, chocolate) in a way to be sweet and nice.  

I hate it.  

I tell him I hate it, but he has a hard time hearing.  I don't know how to explain to him, that yes I love to eat good food (and not so good food), and I know you are just trying to me make me happy, but I would love it more if you supported me on not eating crap food and that would make me twice as happy.

I know I am not going to be able to do this diet thing if I don't have him on my side 100%.

Ugh, just one more thing to add to the list... magically change husband to be supportive and helpful, ha.

Mr. Blog, you are not helping. And, Oy the Stress.

This blog was supposed to be my helper to get healthy, and its not really helping anymore.  I just ignore it until I feel guilty, then I pay a little attention to it, then back to ignoring it. 

 The stress of the move is getting to me.  Getting to me bad.  I have no time to do anything.  Everyday I have a million things to do, and I feel like I have no time to do them.  

For the first time in years, I actually feel the need and want to work out.  Get all that stress and nervous energy out of my body.  And now I have no time to do it, unless I get up at 5 am, and well that is just not going to happen, not in a million years.  Especially when I only get like 6-7 hours of sleep a night.  

(Maybe I need to start making it happen.  Maybe, just maybe.  We will see tomorrow.)

I feel so unhealthy.  I am really trying to eat smaller portions, and healthier things.  But in reality I know I am not doing good enough, and that make me more stressed, and a little sad.

Blah. That is how I feel.  Just blah.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, even when I was pregnant with my kids.

I am embarrassed to go home, for people to look me, and judge me.

Also...

My kids are driving me crazy. CRAZY.  I don't know how I am going to survive this move with them.  I swear at least 60% of my stress is from them.  Harry, and all his new issues.  Clark and he endless amounts of energy, that causes so many messes and problems.  It is exhausting.

I need this move to hurry and be over. 

I want to be settled into my new house, in our new area.

I want to get my life back, and my health back.

ps.  I am back on soda.  It has been the only way I have gotten through the stress of the last couple weeks.  But in exchange for drinking my diet soda, once a day, I gave up cookies, potato chips, most forms of candy. 

Does it get easier?

I have been doing much better with my workouts! I am taking a MUCH NEEDED break from obsessing over what and how much I eat, and trying to concentrate on just the exercise, for now.  So for the past two weeks I have worked in a few walk/jogging sessions (3-4 miles).  Sometimes I take the kids in the stroller, which adds 75 pounds that I am pushing along, great workout.

BUT, I am wondering, when does it start to get easier??  I still don't like to do it.  In fact I hate it.  But I thought that the more I did,  the easier it would get, so I could go faster or longer.  

I am still dreaming of someday running a marathon, someday.  But just for now I would settle for running a mile without feeling like I am going to die.

All the things I can't have.

All this week I have been pumping myself up everyday to start a new diet.  And no matter how much I say I am going to, and how much I WANT to... I just have the hardest time.  I want to do the diet, I have started the beginning phases...but I just can't commit myself all the way.  All I keep thinking about is all the things I can not have anymore.  No more soda (for 6 weeks now, you would think I would be proud of myself...but I am just sad), no more chocolate, no treats, no pasta, no shave ice....nothing interesting.  I KNOW that all the indulging I have done in the past has gotten me to this point, and I REALLY do want to change.  I want to change with all of my heart, somedays it is all I can think about.  I make all these grand plans, diets to try, exercise programs to do...and still I never commit.  I get so angry that I have to make my family dinner, or watch them eat something I enjoy, while I choke down dry chicken and spinach.  I hate when we are on a drive and we stop at 7-11, and the most exciting thing I can get is a bruised apple or banana.  It is so unfair.  I miss drinking soda, or having a little dessert after dinner.  I want to have the will power to make the right choices, to get the body and health that I REALLY want.  BUT I also don't want to feel like I am missing out on everything, and giving up everything I enjoy.  It is such a back and forth battle.  I am wishing I can find something, or someone to give me that push I need, support to just stay on track, and stay focused for the end game.

Clean up on aisle 4!

Over the weekend I HAD to go clothes shopping. 

Now, I am not a shooper.  I will spend hours in a book store, or at a swap meet.  I can shop for shoes, jewelry, and even kid clothes.  But I HATE shopping for clothes!  It has never been easy or fun for me.  Even when I was younger, when I wasn't so plumpy, I was still bigger than girls my age.  I was beyond curvy and I could never find things that were appropriate to wear.  So, I would just find something that wasn't hideous and I felt comfortable in, and I would wear that over and over until it was barely holding together, then go try to find somethings else.

The last time I did some major shopping was when I was pregnant with Harry.  I got a few outfits and wore them through out my entire pregnancy, and well I just kept on wearing them, thats how much I hate shopping (oh, and also how poor we are).  My shorts were fraying everywhere and well...they didn't even fit me anymore, and not in the good way.  They were too tight.  I don't think there is any worse feeling, knowing that you are so fat that the clothes you wore when you were 9 months pregnant don't fit anymore. 

Worse. Feeling. Ever.

So, I HAD to go shopping.
I moved up a size in my shorts and shirts... 

XXL and size 20!  

OMG, I can't believe I just put that out there, for everyone to see, size 20...you know that is in the plus size section.
I am in the PLUS SIZE section.  

HEART. BROKEN. 

 I knew my old size didn't fit me, but that didn't keep me from trying it when I got to the store, and sobbing hysterically when they didn't magically fit me.

Hopefully, this will be the wake up call I need, to stop draggin' my feet and get to work.  As much as it feels nice to wear clothes that fit, and I don't look like a rag-a-muffin any more... I just wish that I could be writing about going a size or two down.
This is going to be the summer of slimmin' down!  No more making crazy plans and half-way keeping them.  No more being lazy.  I want to do it, for reals this time!
For. Real.
It is not going to be easy, especially since we moving this summer.  A big move, and a big road trip.  But I am determined.

So, I am mad.

I am mad, tired, frustrated, stuck.  I feel like I have no control.  

I have two kids, two adorable little boys, who only like to eat junk food.  And I am not exaggerarting, I can count the times I have seen them eat a fruit or veggetable.  I have been slowly weeding out all the bad food that they love, and forcing them to make better choices (Jason too).  We got the hot dogs out of the house that Clark used to eat for breakfst lunch and dinner, and NO more Ramen!!!  I let them have fries, but only when we eat out.  So right now they are living on chicken nuggets, crackers, noodles and pretzels (I am slowly working on adding whole wheat noodels to the noodle pot).  

Anyway, it is a work in progress, and I know Jason and I haven't been the best example, but we are trying.  

Lat night I made a healthly dinner, super healthy.  Baked chicken and potatoes, with broccoli, califlower and carrots, all seasonsed with garlic and pepper, one of my favorite meals.  I knew the boys would be hungry, they had no afternoon snacks, and Jason took them to play at the park, so they should've been starving.  I figured, hoped, prayed that if they just tried a bite they would reason that even thought it looks funny, it taste really good.  We sat down to dinner (I love eating at the table as a family, the nights I can convince them to join me) and no one ate anything.  Nothing.  I was so confused, until I got it out of Jason that he took them to McDonalds after the park, and they all had a mini dnner before they came home for the food I worked for the last hour to cook. 

  I was sad.

Sad because it is unfair on a parentling level.  

Jason always gets to be the fun dad and I have to be the mean mom.  

Sad because I finally realized what I was up against...  

I have NO support in my house when I try to make POSITIVE changes.  NONE. I have to do everything by myself.  Jason can go on and on about how much he supports me or wants things to change. But I have to figure out how to do it all by myself, with him and two tiny munchkins fighting me the whole way.

I feel it the mostly with the deit and food stuff in our house, but it is apparent everywhere else as well. Disciplining our kids, trying to get them on better scheldules, budgeting, keeping up the house and yard work.  I am responsible for everything. Yet, at the same time, Jason likes to play the boss.  So I feel no control over what needs to be accomplished, yet all the responsibly to do it.  It is maddening. And it is a fight I can't win.  One we have been having for years.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I try to tell him how I feel, we talk, I yell, I cry, we try to talk again.  I keep trying and there is no win.  He doesn't see that his ideas, plans and strategies to improve are life are not working.  We are not going forward. 

I just want to wake up in the morning and feel like I have some control over my day. That I can decide what we are going to have for dinner, and everyone will be happy I made it and eat it.  That I can go for a walk/jog without worrying that the house is going to be ripped to shreds, with the boys being negelcted while I am gone.  I want to feel like the effort I put into things is working and worth something.  I want some support in my dieting choices.  Is it so hard to just NOT buy icecream and junk every time you go to the store?!

I love my family. I want us to move forward, as a team.  I want some support and control, with my decisions and life.  I want to feel better about my life, instead of wanting to sleep through the day.  I have been so incredibly blessed in my life, I am beyond thankful for everything I have and hold dear.  But is it too much to ask that we NOT be complacent with our life, but strive to be better than we already are. 

Bah-humbug.  Looks like it is time for another LONG walk. 

 I just hope I can get some time to myself today.

I would walk a 500 miles...

NOT!

I would not not not!

I went on a 3 mile walk today, hardly anything if you ask me.

And I hated it, every step of it.

The whole time I was trying to convince myself I was doing good, and working out like I was supposed to.  BUT all I wanted was to go home and watch tv, or clean my house (yea, clean my house, go figure). Everyday I try to brainwash myself that I love to workout, that I am good at it, and that someday I will wake up and my body will be like "yo April, I feel like a run".

Fat chance.

You know how 'they' say that it only takes a few weeks of regular workouts for you body to adjust, and it will be easier.

Well, I think that is a myth.  A BIG FAT lie, that skinny people tell us fat people to fool us into working out.

It never gets easier, it never gets fun.  It is always boring, hard, sweaty, achey, and hurty (yea, I know that is not a word).

I hate doing it, and yet I know I must. 

I must, I must, I must.

Sorry, just trying to convince myself again.

Weekly Weigh-In and Goals

Weekly Weigh-In

215 lbs.

Still!!  Geez, I wasn't expecting much, but at least a pound or two.

Goals Kept This Week:

Still of soda, almost 3 weeks so far. Longest I've stayed off in a while (without cheating).

I kept to my diet about 50% of the time.  I haven't been too strict, but I also haven't been cheating too much.

I did not do any walking this week, ONLY because it was so so rainy.

I also did my 30 day Shred workout for 3 days.  It is such an intense workout, I was mega sore for most of the weak.  Like so sore I could barely sit on the toilet, or pick up Harry without wincing in pain.

So, overall...I didn't do too bad.  

But still need to do way better.

Next Weeks Goals:

1. Walk 3 miles (or more) per day, at least 5 days out of the week.

2. Do my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video, at least 4 days out of the week.

Also, work on my stamina and endurance during my workouts.  No quitting and being a baby!

3. I am just going to concentrate on making healthier eating decisions and smaller portions, no specific diet (for now).

4. Stay OFF of soda and sugary all beverages, except Crystal Light.

5. Drink LOTS of water.

This last week was really hard on me.  I am having a hard time with my depression and anxiety...and I have been beyond moody.  I find that I have a much harder time keeping my goals when things are not going as planned...and well with two kids and Jason that is almost always.  I want to focus more on exercising, to help release some of the stress that I have, and also work on my endurance.  I have such a hard time pushing myself during a workout, when I get tired or bored I just stop, instead of pushing myself to finish.  

Really hoping that I can do better this week...

Its too hard.

Well, it is Day 2.
Yesterday I did NOT keep to my diet or do any working out.  Boo. (I did however stay off soda, so that is good).
Today... so far so good.  I am staying on track as far as my diet goes.  And I even attempted my Jillian Michaels workout video, which by the way was total HELL.  It is 20 minutes of intense strength training, cardio, and ab workouts.  She has you do multiple moves at once, like squats with bicep curls.  Nice in theory, not awesome when you have to do it.  I couldn't even finish the whole workout, I felt like throwing up.  I knew I was out of shape, but didn't realize how bad it was.  It is way bad.  I don't know how I am going to do this everyday.  I feel sick and weak, like a giant wobbly jelly roll (which by the way, makes me think of jelly rolls and now I am hungry). Just thinking of having to do it again tomorrow makes me want to cry.  I though exercising was supposed to give you more energy, I feel like I can hardly move, and I am so drained.
I am determined.  I really am.  I am going to keep the goals I made, don't ask me how. I just wish that I didn't feel like it was so impossible.

Weekly Weigh-In and Goals

Weekly Weigh-In

215 lbs.

How is it possible that I gained 3 pounds, especially since I cut out soda and half the junk that I eat.  Boo!

I really wish I had a more accurate, digital scale.

Goals Kept This Week:

I spent all week getting off of soda...

DONE!

Next Weeks Goal:

1. Walk 3 miles (or more) per day, at least 5 days out of the week.

2. Do my Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video, at least 6 days out of the week.

3. Do my detox diet (link on the side bar). No cheating!

4. Stay OFF of soda and sugary all beverages, except Crystal Light.

5. Drink LOTS of water.

Alright, here I go.

Just like an alcoholic.

So, it took ALL week, and I am still feeling the PAIN, but I am OFF caffeine!  

AGAIN.  

And this time, just like an alcoholic, I am not going back, not even for one sip.  It is too hard getting off, the headaches, and irritability, and sadness... I am so sad without my daily Diet Mt. Dew.  I know it is a step in the right direction, and hopefully I am going to start feeling the positive effects of not "drinking" any more.  

That was this week.

Next week, I am going to re-start the detox diet I tried late last year (the one I got from my Dad).  I am not looking forward to the massive amount of veggies, with NO salt.  But I did have success last time, so I am just going to keep reminding myself of that.

Jason also bought me this double jogging stroller!!  I am going to walk to Clark's school (1.5 miles away, so 3 miles round-trip) to pick him up everyday...and maybe some days, when I am feeling ambitious I am going to take him to school too.

I also got this workout video, it looks hardcore!  I am excited to try it.  I am going to start with just a  couple days a week, and then work up to everyday.

That is the plan.  I am good at making plans, too good.

Not so good at keeping said plans...

I know I have said this SO MANY TIMES, but I am just sick and tired of the WIEGHT.  It is weighing me down, and making me depressed. 

I just have to keep reminding myself, one step at a time...

and DON'T GIVE UP.

Uninspired...and then maybe a little inspired.

I have been so UNINSPIRED lately.  I don't feel like doing anything.  Everything is a chore, everything.  I don't want to read.  I don't want to blog.  I don't want to take pictures.  Last, but not least...I don't want to work out.  Unfortunately, I do want to eat...and sleep.
I take Zoloft for my depression.  I HATE taking it, but it does help, a lot.  I have recently ran out of my last prescription, and I know my body is just adjusting.  I have decided to not take anything for awhile.  I want to fight this the old fashion way... working out, being active and productive and eating better (Tom Cruise would be so proud).  I am going to start working out twice a day.  It might involve walking Clark to and from school, my workout video, or just hoofin' it on the treadmill...but I will be doing it twice a day.

Over the weekend I watched this new show, Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution.  I am all about eating fresh, home cooked meals.  I nag Jason almost constantly about how much processed food, and take out we eat and feed the boys, and how much I HATE it. I only managed to get Jason to watch half of the show with me...BUT I did convince him to let me redo our dinner menus and limit our eating out to twice a month.  Also, no more soda in the house, no more chicken nuggets and ramen for the boys, or cookies, hotdogs or mac and cheese.  I am going to cook all our meals from scratch.  They are not going to be happy, especially Clark, who likes to have Ramen for breakfast...but it is SO important that we do this as a family.

So, here I am hopelessly uninspired.  Trying little by little to get inspired. I need to do something.  Anything.  I am getting plumpier and chubbier.  Seriously, I went to the doctor over the weekend and I weigh...212 lbs!  I want to be healthy again and fit.  I want to run and have energy.  I want to change myself, better myself and maybe, just maybe inspire someone else.

The one where I tell you I am going to start over on my diet (really this time), but only after Clark's birthday cake is all gone.

Ugh. Meh. Blah. Gah. Bitch. Moan.

I need to get my butt back in gear. I have gained more wieght. 208lbs!

Yikes.

It makes me so sad... but I guess not sad enough to actually do anything about it. I hate being fat, I hate it. I am so embarrassed all the time, and I don't ever feel like MYSELF.

I am really wanting to start over this coming week. I am so tired of telling myself I am going to, and then not. So, this Monday I am going to do it. I know I will feel so much better, whether I have success or not, as long as I am trying.

I also want to plan to run a 5k this summer. I am not sure which one yet, cause we will be in the process of moving. But I am going to find one tomorrow (so stayed tuned).

My new workout/running routine will be:

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1/2 mile-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 mile-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 1 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

Walk 1/2 mile, then run 2 miles-for 3 weeks.

Walk 1/2, then run for 2 1/2 miles-for 2 weeks.

As so on until I get up to 5 miles. After that I will re-evaluate my training, and maybe find a longer race... half marathon??!!

Ok, here I go...AGAIN.

I am so tired of starting over, and quitting.

Night time snacking.

Well, I have good news and bad news....

The good news is, I am OFF of soda again. 5 days so far, with nothing but water or Crystal Light. And this time I am really going to try to stay off, really.

The bad news is, I am not doing very well sticking to my diet. I can do it all day, ALL DAY. No cheating. But as soon as dinner is over, I am ravenous. I want to eat anything and everything. From 6pm until I go to bed is the worst for me. I try having extra glasses of water, herbal tea, snacking on some baby carrots or nuts, but none of it is satisfying enough to curb that gnawing feeling in my stomach. I am not sure what I am doing wrong, or how to fix it. I am eating plenty of protein and veggies through out the day, but as soon as the night hits...yikes. Any suggestions?

This next week I am going to try to step up my workouts. At least 4 days this week.

I have been pretty off and on with this diet and exercise thing lately, I really want to get back in the groove.

Bah!

Today Jason informed me that he didn't buy our tickets for the Great Aloha Run, nor was he planning to (because surprise surprise, he messed up our monthly budget again). BAH!

After first I was relieved, then upset, back to relived, and now just confused.

I am relieved, because I was probably going to end up walking most of it, which would have taken ALL DAY. I am not doing any better with my running. I can run up to 1/2 a mile, but then I just can't make myself go anymore. (I usually add about another mile or two of walking.) I am upset because this is our last few months in Hawaii, most likely we are never gonna live here again, or even visit for a very long time. I wanted my first race (hopefully first of many) to be in Hawaii. While I am going back and forth, trying to decide on what stance to take... I realize I am just confused... I don't really know what I want. How did I except to run it anyway, when I never keep my goals??? As much as I try/want to make myself BE, I am just not that running athletic girl.

For the past several weeks, I have been telling myself everyday I am going to do this, or that...and yet I never do. It ranges to everything from, cleaning my house and getting caught up on laundry, to taking the kids to the park, to re-starting my diet, to finishing the hundreds of projects I have started...BAH!

I feel like I need some kind of re-boot, or even jump start. A week ALL BY MYSELF, to get caught up, and then start fresh. A good nights sleep, with out having nightmares of little Haitian orphans. A day where I can manage not to drink five too many diet Mt. Dews. A week to have my house clean, go to church, FINISH a book, and slowly try to brainwash my self... (no April, you do not like junk food, April spinach is your best friend, April you can survive on 1000 calories a day, and NO soda, April exercise is for WINNERS and naps are for LOSERS).

So, here I go again. Someday THIS WEEK, I am going to restart my diet and exercise. And I say someday, so that I can't beat myself up when I don't start til Saturday. Bah, why is it so hard...

Starting Over

I am starting over...for reals this time. Seriously.

I am starting the Detox diet tomorrow. Daily work outs. Only one can of soda a day. At least 48-64 ounces of water a day (with my low calorie, sugar free mix-ins). No sugar, or salt. Treats= sugar free gum, my daily soda, or 1 serving of fruit a day. Daily multi-vitamin and plenty of outside time.

Here I go. For real. I am tired of being a fatty. I would like to lose 5 lbs. a month. I would like to work on my running, marathon (or really slow 5k) here I come.